Am I too strict?

[mumofamudmagnet]

Please help!

My oldest DS is 13 years old. Over the last month or so I've noticed him starting to tell little lies sometimes about where he is. Unbeknown to him I have installed a tracking app on his mobile phone, so know straight away when he is not being truthful. Before I get slated for invading his privacy, I do this because there are very serious DV safeguarding issues with regard to his Dad and the police and other agencies have legal orders in place to enforce no contact, so it's really important that I know where he is and that he's safe at all times. I am fully aware that I am a little over protective of him because we've not had the easiest of times but have always tried not to allow this to stop him being allowed to do things or go places that others his age do.
Anyway, the lies he started telling me were quite small eg saying he was at the park, when in actual fact he wasn't. He's always been a good kid on the whole, but last night he asked if he could camp out with a friend, in a field in the middle of a housing estate, in what I swear was torrential rain! No adults close by, no where to go if they needed help. I said no but agreed to let him stay at his friends house. I checked his tracker before I went to bed and he wasn't where he said he was going to be!! I called his friends parent and It turns out that he and his friend had pulled a fast one and said that they were stopping at each other's houses, when in actual fact they were staying at a girls house with 3 other boys and another girl so I sent my partner down to collect him straight away. Apparently, his friend was still allowed to stay as long as he wasn't in the middle of a field somewhere.
Now I know that at this age, this is pretty standard behaviour. We all did it right?! God knows I did it loads!! But he says that he lied because he knew I wouldn't let him stay at the girls house because I don't know who she is or who are parents are (I'm pretty strict with this), plus I think it's a bit inappropriate. He says I'm far too strict and that his other friends are allowed to do things like this. He's well aware of the whole DV thing and says that he understands why I'm so protective but feels like he should be allowed to do things like this then he wouldn't have to lie, but truth be told I'd not have allowed him to stay over but would have agreed to collect him at a later time so he could stay and join in a bit.
AIBU? Am I being too strict?

If he's aware of the DV and the need for you to know where he is then why can't you be honest with him about the need to track him?

Teenagers are always going to push the boundaries....it's what they do. He is facing a lot of peer pressure at this age. Obviously he needs to be allowed a little freedom or else he won't learn about staying safe and risk taking. The tracking device is great but once he knows it's installed on his phone he will surely turn his phone off or just 'forget' to take it with him. Try to set up an adultish dialogue with him whereby he can listen to your concerns but whereby you listen to his point of view and try to negotiate a good outcome for both parties. Of course he is going to lie about where he is at times....haven't we all as teenagers.? However, you do have to tell him that every time you find out that he is lying it will make you less trusting of him. I certainly wouldn't let my kids have a sleepover with people I didn't know and was unsure about adult supervision. Can you arrange to have some sleep overs with friends that you already know?
Try not to treat him like, or talk to him like, a child. Let him have some power and control over his life as much as possible. It's critical to try to keep the lines of communication open now. Tell him the consequences of not complying to rules you have agreed together beforehand and ensure that you stick to them. Also give him a little bit more leeway or rewards when you see that he is being responsible. The teenage years are extremely difficult years. Try to make it as much of a partnership with honest, open dialogue as possible rather than a battle ground. No mean feat.

Bc he's 13 and I don't want him to feel like he has no freedom at all, but to be honest that isn't what I was asking for help with. It may seem a bit extreme to some, but Obviously, the DV has had a significant impact on me too (it was serious enough for police to enforce no contact with both of us) and I do what I feel is necessary to keep myself and my boy safe. Whether it be right or wrong that I have the tracker is not the issue here. The last thing I need right now is to be judged. I just would like to know if people think that IBU/ overprotective or not by not allowing him to stay out like this??

Thank you heyday! Some helpful advice.

I allow him to stay at friends if I know who they are, where they live and am sure a responsible adult is present. I allow any of his friends to stay at our house because then they're under my roof and I know they're safe. I make an effort to meet parents of new friends he makes so he can stay out there if he wants too.

Parenting teenagers is hard work, but even more difficult given the DV history!

I know all teenagers tell their parents 'but all my friends are allowed too' and try to pull the wool over our eyes, but on this occasion I questioned if they actually might be allowed and I'm being too strict?

My children aren't as old as yours yet, but I don't think you are being too strict.
I also think saying you're at the park when you aren't is a big lie, not a small one.

I'm not quite sure where you go from here though. I hope someone else has better advice.

It sounds to me that you are in a situation where it isn't so much the going somewhere as the unknown place that is causing you concern -as it would with a lot of parents. I think at 13 he is old enough to understand why it is so important for him in particular to be honest with his whereabouts.

If you remove his percieved need to lie eg he feels that you will automatically say he can't go then he may be less inclined to lie about it. So instead of saying no you can't go because you don't know the parents ask for their contact details and offer to drop him off - that way you know the parents are there and he is expected and at the same time appear to be really helpful. You get what you need - him being where he says he is and he gets a parent who is able to trust his judgement.

I'm not trying to criticise, what I am trying to say is that you need to be more open and transparent with regards to his safety. Now he's old enough to show some autonomy and potentially tell lies and sneak around, he needs to know the importance of looking out for his own safety and how important that is to you. Rather than track him secretly and worry he's sneaking off, talk to him about exactly how and why he needs to go about being safe, and about why he shouldn't or isn't allowed to do certain things.

Agree with Fenella. I don't think you can discuss the individual decision without discussing your overall system of decision-making and involving him in decision-making: he is getting to an age where these things need to go hand in hand. He needs to feel that his freedom is directly related to his trustworthiness, and that the more grown-up and capable he shows himself to be, the happier you will feel about trusting him.