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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

"you don't have to think someone is FIT to flirt with them! Everything you say is SO '25 years ago' mum!!!"

17 replies

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 28/03/2007 15:06

From the mouth of 14 year old DS- last night during conversation in which I made mistake of suggesting he chats to me (like he used to!) about what is going on in his life/who he like/who like him etc!

It deteroriated into the classic "what's the point... you don't understand anything!" convo.. how did it come to this??

Have to rush off on school run now.. but have been meaning to start a thread with other parents of teens about this non-commication issue (quite sudden as well seeing as the puberty thing has been going on a couple of years now) for some time. It worries me that he closes off to me so much of time. I don't expect to know his every private thought or anything, it's just that e are so similar in many ways.. I CAN see the issues he is going through but he thinks everything I have to say is null and void because it's "his mother" saying it!

Would welcome experiences/input!

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zippitippitoes · 28/03/2007 15:11

I don't think you can approach it head on with teens they spy what you arre doing and and either clam up and pretend to have an urgent appointment or they rooll their eyes

so any attempts have to be very subtle

I rate the car quite highly as they are trapped and you are probably giving them a lift somewhere so they have to be responsive

and just accept that they won't be telling you stuff

they will start talking again eventually!

Original poster

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 28/03/2007 16:25

This WAS in the car!! That's the ONLY chance I get to make him talk to me.. (we have a lot of car journeys "fortunately") and then that's what I get!

He thinks I am "anicent and out of touch".. and I never really imagine this being that much of a problem because I was pregnant with him at nineteen and had him at 20! How much younger does he want me to be I wonder!

OP posts:

Original poster

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 28/03/2007 16:26

And "25 years ago" I was barely 10! A fact which I pointed out but was clearly lost to him..

He thinks I am a crap driver too.. never ceases to point out my every mistake.. like he can do better, age 14!

OP posts:

Original poster

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 28/03/2007 21:29

Anyone else with stroppy teens for input for me??

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Pimmpom · 29/03/2007 14:39

Do you know Shiny, I never thought my dd (14) would be so secretive. We used to go shopping together and chat all the time. Now I daren't even ask how school was!

Everyone tells me they come back to you later on!

Think Zippi is right - you just have to accept they won't be telling you stuff. I personally found it very hard as she used to tell me everything.

fizzbuzz · 29/03/2007 20:08

Well Shiney, my ds who used to be gorgeous sunny, wanting to please little boy, now answers any of my request with a straight NO.
Haven't worked out how to deal with this yet.

Also told me, I was very sad to be a Goth, and it is too embarrassing, although he likes "Gothy" type music.

I could go on.........and on................and on.......

Original poster

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 30/03/2007 00:06

Thank you

DS thinks goths are shocking and is horrfied and uncertain how to reaction in that his friend from up the road (as was) has become one, complete with long black fringe that he can barely see through, eye liner and black nail varnish! (A couple of years ago they were a pair of boys larking about on the trampoline together with not an attitude in sight!) The friend still says hello (well.. "'right" as they say!) to him and DS looks as if he wants to run away that someone so freakish is speaking to him!! He's not really that shallow though.. he quite a thoughful, sensitive soul; it weird to see him adopting this attitude and wrestling with all these "issues" he won't talk about..

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nowornever · 30/03/2007 22:39

not only do they not talk to you, their loving and caring mother (who has soooo much useful advice for them) but then you find out that they DO talk to their friends' mums, their friends big brother, their dad (so what does HE know!!!!).

The only way I can get anything out of mine is to first spend what feels like an eternity listening to them blather on about some hideous tedious football match/computer game/'hysterical' event in the classroom until they are so relaxed they inadvertently let slip something interesting, and then NOT to ask any questions or offer any opinions. Not very satisfying at all.

nowornever · 31/03/2007 19:04

aargh just read Times T2 from Wednesday, about menopause but sidebar about teenagers and talk. Says testosterone 'marinades their brains' and suppresses the desire to talk. 'their reluctance to talk ...comes out of thinking that grown ups will ...know that the subject of sex has taken them over mind body and soul'.

So a) it's normal but b) they ARE obsessed with sex. Worse than I thought.

saffy202 · 31/03/2007 19:28

DS1 (13) tends to to do what nowornever says, talks about trivial stuff then drops in the serious, mind-bothering stuff. I think he builds it up but then feels so much better for getting it off his chest.

This week has been a nightmare - he has been an emotional wreck, so I'm hoping the two week holiday will help him chill out.

RustyBear · 31/03/2007 19:36

There is hope.... DS is 19 now & has started communicating again - he was never actualy hostile, just rather patronising, and makng it clear that he realised that the poor old dear couldn't really help being old-fashioned, fussy, embarrassing etc.

DD on the other hand never really stopped communicating, but then it would pretty much kill her to stop talking, even to someone as old as me. Ironically, she dumped her last bf because he talked too much.

Original poster

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 04/04/2007 00:19

Nowornever - I'm going to try that one!

No DS isn't exactly hostile.. more a mixture of irritated/patronisingly-sympathic towards me.. like I am extremely stupid and beneath him and even more so for thinking I have what it takes to a. meaningfully commuicate with him and b. (worse!) tell him something he doesn't already know!

It would be laughable if it wasn't so frustrating!

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Freckle · 04/04/2007 08:01

DS1 (13) has morphed over the last few months from a very loving, open child into a complete and utter grump. He is still loving in that he comes and gives me kisses and cuddles and is forever telling me how much he loves me, but any request to move his arse and help me turn him into the scowly grumpmaster from grumptown.

I do, however, occasionally get asked to "come and talk to me in my room, Mum", so I know there is serious stuff to talk about - as in is his penis small compared with his mates'. Like I'd know!!

Original poster

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 04/04/2007 10:37

Freckle, this is the stage that comes before the one my DS is at now. By the time he is 14 he will be horrfied at himself that he ever questioned you about penis size (not least because it will have grown by then and caught up with the "other bits" that grow first! ) and will NEVER invite you into his room... you will only get in when he is out.. in order to fight your way through the dirty washing in an effort to make the carpet visible again.. and occasionally when he is in, to forcibly prise him off his play station because he "didn't hear" the 12 times you have called him for dinner.

Of course, your son MAY not follow that path..

Mine also actually puts his arms around me sometimes and tells me he loves me.. and also, on days when he has deliberately chosen to be offended, or has snapped my head off at everything I've said him, will say, "Mum I'm sorry.. can we start again?" (bless!) so I know my boy is still in there someone, hidden beneath an everymore hairy, gruff-voiced and muscley exterior (he has a six pack FGS!)..

I am hoping that his fifteenth birthday in July will not herald an era where all remaining nice characteristics disappear as well!

(I caught him playing with one remaining action figure the other day(small discreet batman!) that he "forgot" to give away with the rest a couple of years ago. Complete with arm waving and sounds effects.. he was mortfied and denies he was doing it!! )

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TooTicky · 04/04/2007 10:43

You are all scaring me. I'm leaving the computer now to spend time with my children before they become teenagers.

Original poster

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 04/04/2007 10:58

Good plan TT..

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RGPargy · 30/04/2007 20:42

LMAO @ Shiny's DS playing with batman!!

My son has been grunty at times, but now he's 16 and is at the stage where he doesn't tell me too much. I'll ask him where he's going and he'll say "Out". So my reply is "Well it's obvious you're going out, but where abouts are you going?!!" Most of the time i used to get a "i dunno, just out" but now that i've explained to him that i was just making conversation and wasn't going to come and spy on him, he now answers with "meeting up with the others and then just hanging around". A much better answer than a grunt of "dunno"

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