My son is 17.5. I divorced from his father 7 years ago. It was instigated by me. My ex husband was ultimately a good man but I had met him very young and basically did not love him as I should have. I do not regret divorcing him (although obviously regret the upset and hurt it caused). I moved out as my ex refused to but rented in the first place. Our son has always spent about 4 nights a week with me and 3 with dad and this has seemed to work.
Just prior to the divorce I also lost my dad from a terminal illness and his death came after many very stressful and upsetting months. Looking back, I admit that some weekends my ex and I would go out sometimes and have a drink - I think it was just our way to relax at such a stressful time. I also admit that on about 3 occasions these accumulated into rows at home - our son was in bed but I cannot say he did not hear it.
Fast forward to now. I bought my own house five years ago and my ex bought his own house. We both have decent jobs and our son continues to cohabit with both of us. Three years ago I met a man and after a few months he moved in with us. We took it slowly and my son gets on with him. My ex has had a few girlfriends but has yet to settle. Our son is at college and doing reasonably well. He has a little group of friends and a part time job. I would describe him as pretty relaxed (sometimes a bit too relaxed!!) and perhaps naive about the big wide world although there is plenty of time for him to grow up.
He is certainly not spoilt but neither does he particularly want for anything and my life is very much based around his in the way that parents do.. For example, I work full time but we always have an evening meal together, I run him around to friends etc, like most parents would. We often have a laugh together, I ask about college etc etc and we continued to holiday each year up until last year.
Anyway, today I jokingly said he was privileged compared to my upbringing. I meant how we didn't have a car/telephone when I was young. He suddenly started talking about how he thought his life was quite tough compared to some of friends at college. We ended up talking for ages and he said things that really surprised me. He said he thought it was at his 'expense' that me and his dad split up and although he did not blame me, he thought it was 'inconvenient'. He said that he could remember some 'drunken rows'. He then said he hated living in the area (which is rural and safe but admittedly a bit boring) but it was the way that he said it, as though he was hard done by. He went on to say that one of his friends had been depressed recently and his friend had said that he couldn't understand why he was because my son's life was 'harder' than his.
He then went on to talk about our extended family (which is rather big) and how it upset him how two people in his family had died linked to depression and alcohol. One was my father who actually died of cancer (he was a whiskey drinker and I think my son has put two and two together and got five) and the other is his uncle who did die in his fifties due to drug taking years earlier. Again, I can understand him being upset but he said it as though his life has been one full of hardships.
The irony is that our divorce and the bereavements were all several years ago. In fact, for many months now, I felt that life had been really stable, almost routine compared to those months seven years ago. I asked my son if he wanted to talk more or if he wanted to change arrangements at his dads and he said no to both. I'm not sure what I'm asking - just wondered if anybody had any experience/advice talking to teenage boys about their emotions. Was I being naive to think he wouldn't ever throw my divorce back in his face? I feel like I have missed out on some of his strongest emotions.