At what point can I say I can't do this anymore

[WhenTheDragonsCame]

DD1 was on her phone and woke me up talking at around 2 this morning. I asked her to stop but she kept doing it. I have now turned the internet off.

She has been stood in my doorway for the last hour and a half asking me to put it back on. She will not leave me alone. I have to be at work for 8 and she won't leave. Just keeps repeating fix it. She has made so much noise that she has woken DD3.

I can't do this anymore. I hate my life right now and have no power to change it.

Can I say to social services that I need a break from her?

Yes, you can, but don't be shocked when they do bugger all.

What's the consequence going to be for this? Internet off for the next twenty four hours, removal of phone? What? Because Christ this isn't acceptable.

How old is she?
Who pays for the phone?

Who is she talking to?

She is 15. She doesn't have a phone at the moment so she is using an iPod. I pay for the internet.

I don't plan on putting the internet back on again. She is talking to a male but she never tells me who it is. From what I can gather he lives in London (we don't). She is fine as long as she is getting her own way. As soon as something happens that she doesn't like she is like this.

She has left my room and is now downstairs trying to fix the internet herself.

I can't live with the anxiety of never knowing what is going to happen next.

Hide the (fucking) iPod while she's trying to fix the internet, she wants to behave like a spoiled child then treat her like one.

She has gone to bed crying because I don't understand. My alarm is going to go off in about 45 minutes and I have had about 3 hours sleep.

Thank you for the replies. I am going to phone social services and the doctors tomorrow.

The fact that she is talking to an unknown male would be enough for me to seek advice from any or all of the following:
School
SS
Police
NSPCC.
She could well be being groomed.
Does she have any SEN?
Can you lock up the router?

Take the wifi router with you to work. Take her ipod too. It's about time you laid down the law with her. No privileges until she respects you.

You need to speak to SS, school and NSPCC at the very least. This sounds very concerning.

Also. Change the wifi password and don't tell her what it is. Try to see if there's a way for you to put a curfew on it, or manually kick her off the internet at x y and z time in future if there is not ensure YOU input the wifi code and when you want the wifi to go off take her iPod and "forget" the wifi network(on the iPod, don't literally forget it!). So she cannot reconnect.
This won't work if it's one of the routers you can connect to via pressing the button on the router.
for you

OP I really feel for you. We had massive problems with ds1 as a teenager. He wouldn't sleep, wouldn't go to college, ended up without A levels, was hell to live with - argued, ,shouted, on the computer til all hours (we also switched off the wifi). He was aggressive although never physically hurt us but did break stuff, damage his room, throw things at walls etc

I also felt that I couldn't go on with it at times. Dh has the patience of a saint but even he was at stretched to his limit. However, we hung in there and ds gradually came round. What really made a difference for him was leaving sixth form and getting a job - he grew up very fast then.

He is now working hard in a responsible job and is delightful to be with. He recently moved out to live independently and we really miss him. If you'd told me 3 years ago that it would be like this and come good I wouldn't have believed you as it was so horrible at the time, and had been for the previous 3 years.

What I did find was that trying to reason or negotiate with ds was futile and just stressed me out. He didn't respond to reasoning and although he appeared to be able to negotiate, he never kept his side of he agreement. Looking back, I should habe picked my battles but the arguments used to ratchet up really quickly and even simple stuff would escalate into full blown rows.

So, I have no advice apart from "hang on in there". We were lucky I suppose in that ds never went out (didn't feel lucky at the time!) So we didn't have to worry about where he was or if he was getting into trouble. If you think your dd is speaking to strangers on the Internet who might be grooming her, I would speak to school or NSPCC for advice.

Good luck OP. I really hope she grows out of it shortly.

SS are involved but haven't heard anything for a while. School also helping but she obviously isn't there at the moment.

I have an app that I use to remove her internet whenever I want. She doesn't know the password to the internet, and I broke the router last night anyway.

All the people she is in contact with have either SENs or mental health problems. If fact I don't know of a single one of her friends who doesn't.

DD1 doesn't have a diagnosis of anything but assessments at school have shown she has processing difficulties and an assessment by a SALT a few years ago indicated that she has low cognitive ability. I have also been asked in the past if she is on the autistic spectrum and she is considered to be a vulnerable teenager.

I sympathise with you. I know how hard it is to deal with a difficult teenager. I know this sounds easy, but as mentioned in a previous response, please pick your battles. It will enable you to remain sane and in control. (Many parents go through similar battles - the age of technology - really difficult to control) If she has learning difficulties and is on the autistic spectrum does she get additional support at school, because she should, although as you said it's summer break. You must also push now to get an official diagnoses, this will help to provide clarity and you should also receive much more help with her because of it. It is much much harder to get help as an adult, so whatever health professionals you can get involved at this stage the better. It will also help her to understand her own behaviours and not just be labelled as a naughty child. Also if she is autistic etc she will have a tendency to become fixated on particular things, so you need to develop distraction techniques and as you said get rid of the internet. She may also seem to have a meltdown in particular situations that other youngsters wouldn't. Try and talk to her when she is calm. It may seem like you are not getting through to her but if you back up what you tell her with consequences even small consequences she will realise that certain behaviours are unacceptable. Also reward good behaviour even in a very small way. Sometimes you also have to show yourself to be more stubborn than she is and hold your ground. Also try and engage her in other activities that she likes and which can provide her with a release from pressure and a distraction from the boy she has been talking to etc. Sporting activities, music anything!!

TrueLady thank you for your post. DD1 gets a lot of support at school. They have developed a new timetable for her and another couple of girls that means she will be taught in with the regular class for lessons she engages in and separately for the lessons where she struggles. They are also looking at getting her a qualification in retail along with her GCSEs.

I have a doctors appointment for myself in a few weeks. I am so tired at the moment and all three of my DDs are quite trying at the moment. I will mention DD1 then and see what the doctor says. She has been seen by camhs who thought the issues were emotional rather than autistic. The school think she may have an attachment type disorder.

I feel like I am failing her completely but I don't feel I have the ability to do what is needed.

WTDC I understand that you must be worn out. It is very draining. It is a very good idea to get your own health checked out as you are doing. Despite what is going on you must look after yourself. I have experience of young people with autism,Asperger's, ADHD and other mental/emotional issues. A specialist psychiatrist will be able to properly diagnose her condition - push for whatever help/diagnoses you can and don't be fobbed off..You mentioned she has a low cognitive ability ..this is similar to attention deficit, you also mention attachment disorder - that is also in line with autism traits. Its important to understand what your DD1 is doing that is just teenage stuff and what is actually related to a mental/emotional condition. This will help you to put strategies in place on a daily basis rather than be reactive or just responding because you are at the end of your tether. Make a note of behaviours, trigger points, anxieties, meltdowns etc - you may see a pattern. You have not failed her - yours is the lament of every parent who faces challenges with their children. She may not respond in the way other young people respond ie she may be more "unreasonable" as she was by keeping you awake and demanding the internet. Try and pre-empt behaviours before they occur. Sometimes you do also need to give in to her if required. For example it might have been easier to just leave the internet on that night and then just take it away the next day. You would have had a good night sleep etc. It does not mean you are giving in to her it just means that you are picking your battles and thinking more strategically. Whatever happens be kind to yourself - you are doing your best.xx

I have noticed there is a noticeable difference in her behaviour around the time of her period. More aggressive (not physical) in her responses if that makes sense.

When she is behaving she is brilliant. Helps look after her sisters when I need to pop out and will do jobs if I ask her to.

She also takes food and then hides the wrappers. I cleaned the living room carpet and there was a load of crisp wrappers shoved behind and yesterday I found a couple of mini milk type wrappers on top of the fridge freezer. It would be less obvious if she just put them in the bin so I don't know why she hides them.

She hasn't been out much this week and then that worries me as I think she is becoming isolated! I don't think I will ever not worry about her!

Oh that all sounds so difficult. I think you could very well be on to something with the hormonal connection. Some women (unfortunately) do really struggle with hormonal changes during the menstrual cycle; it can hugely affect mood, and also things like appetite. Is the food hoarding/ bingeing cyclical?

I am saying this as someone who is a lifelong sufferer from depression which is hugely aggravated by hormones (PND, PMT, ugh) BUT who has been helped enormously by antidepressants.

Obviously we can't diagnose over the internet, but perhaps it is not a coincidence that lots of her friends have mental health issues. Lots of my friends do too. It's not a coincidence.

I totally feel for you. I have had same issues with my 14 year dd. People said to me pick your battles but everything I say is a battle. I got everyone I could involved. As a result end up on happy pills and not a great relationship with her. I'd deffo keep internet off. I did and removed every device she had for 8 weeks. Worth a try.

My daughter was like this.. horrendous. I am sad to say I don't have much help to offer only to say that you are not alone. I would be worried about taking the router away in case she becomes destructive or disappears while you are at work.. I really hope things work out for you x

I had one like this too. Made me ill with stress. Nothing worked and we had a few horrid years. Only thing that helped was them moving out at 18.