16 yo DS.... wwyd... think I'm too soft!

[Hotwaterbottle1]

My 16 year old is a really good lad. No bother, decent grades, great school reports. Lovely lad. Elpful in house when asked.

ExH & I split last year and he moved out in April. We both have new partners. Just for background so you know he has been dealing with a lot of change.

He has, like most 16 yo been having a few drinks with friends. Drunk incident at new year & one other time but nothing different than any other kid.

This weekend he was supposed to be at his Dads who lives 20 miles away (15 mins by train, 15 mins walk to station). Friday he turned up at door at 11.30pm with friend saying his other friend could no longer give him a lift so could he stay. I was asleep & got right fright hearing him at door. Saturday night, same but at 10.30pm.

Last night went to friends instead of Dads & came home at 4am with friend. I feel awful as had not realised he not home.

What would you do? Ground him? Curfew? I spoke to him after the weekend. I just think I'm too soft.

Help!

And his Dad hadn't called you to let you know DS hadn't turned up when expected?
You need to set some ground rules with them both. Much more responsible behaviour is required from them.

My ds nearly 16 knows to text me his plans and when he is in the house - whatever that time is. .
Expecting manners is acceptable regardless of age. .
Tell him it's not fair you worry and need approximate details of his whereabouts also. .

That's maturity or you can always treat him like a dc with a 10 o'clock curfew. . .

I think I would want to know why he is choosing to not go to his Dad's. And why Dad isn't aware that his own son isn't under his roof.

Two separate things here. I think you need to set basic ground rules and let ds1 know that if the same thing happens again, he will be grounded, or whatever you/Dad think is appropriate.

First, you/his dad need to know where he is at night. At 16 he might change his mind about where he's staying as between the two of you - I think that should be fine as long as you are both in the loop. It's just a quick call or text.

Coming home at 4am. Too late I think - but it's your call. I don't know what a suitable curfew for a 16 yo is, or whether there should be one. But either way, it comes down to him keeping you in touch with what he's doing. For me I guess the limit would be guided by what I thought of the people he's out with and what they're up to. So I'd say e.g. 'no later than 1am on a Fri/Sat or grounded' or 'text me at midnight if it's going to be a late one'.

Interested to see what others think. My parents lived about 10 miles apart at that age and I was reasonably able to pick and choose where I was staying (there was a school bus going to both villages).

Two things going on:

1. Staying at his dad's. He needs to be clear when he's going and when he's returning. Dad also needs to ring him and you if ds doesn't show when expected. That's common curtesy from ds and the same checking you'd do for a flat mate (so not babying him).

1. Curfew. You need to agree a time. Ds also needs to tell you his plans. Roaming around at 4am isn't safe especially if no one knows where he if. Again, this is the same keeping in touch you'd do with a flat mate so everyone knows everyone is safe.

What nosey said.

It's lovely that you get on well, he sounds a nice kid, but you need to have a calm chat

I will read & reply later, can't have phone at work right now!