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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Useless parent

26 replies

Shally33 · 25/07/2017 15:12

Hi. I have a 14 year old daughter. Who was one of the nicest sweetest kids around. However this past year has been an absolute nightmare. Gone is my hard working child who had never been in trouble. I have been left with a rude nasty kid that after 4 exclusions has been asked to leave the school permantly. Her choice of friends this past year has been shocking but can she see this... No she can't. She has made me I'll with stress and worry. Nothing I do or say makes a difference. Someone please tell me does this get any better I'm pulling my hair out so much so I agreed to let her go live with her dad. Something I deffinetly didn't want to do. I then find myself pandering to her to avoid a kick off. I feel that I am such a bad parent I seriously don't know where I have gone so wrong. Will this dark cloud of a daughter ever lift.

OP posts:
misshelena · 26/07/2017 05:01

Sorry to hear this OP. I think she is hanging out with the wrong crowd. Are those friends still in her life now that she is kicked out of her school? Now might be a great time to talk to her about why those are not good friends for her. She is 14, you should be able to reason with her. Can you explain why are you shocked by her choice of friends?

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 09:41

Hi 3 of the friends have also been kicked out of school. Since going to her dad's she has not seen them as we live over an hour away. But she does have contact via social media which her dad says he will sort. The parents if the friends it seems allow them to do as they wish. They certainly don't have my concerns that they are 14 not 24. I've tried to reason with her but you just can not do this with out a kick off she can't and won't have anyone slate these friends. The respect that she once had has vanished. She seems to think the world revolves around her. I am guilty of giving to much I know that. I over compensated for her dad. She will be going into a new school after the holidays and I'm already worried that she might behave just like she did with me. She has consumed my days with her moods. I've tried councilling for her been to gp got her into young minds I've tried everything and she will not accept any advice.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/07/2017 09:44

Are you the OP Kath?Confused

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 11:29

Yes I am Hmm

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/07/2017 11:38

Does she have any hobbies? Anything to boost her self esteem ?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/07/2017 11:40

Actually at 14 if she's hanging around / in contact with 3 kids who have been excluded I'd be coming down on her like a ton of bricks and there would be no phones/ laptops / devices to contact them with. She's just young enough to clamp down hard,it needs nipping on the bus.

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 11:51

I have done the banning of phones I pads and internet. Bought her a cheap £10 phone which mortified her. I refused to give her any of her luxuries back. However her father gave her the lot back. It's so stressful to try and keep her in check. No hobbies as such I've tried to encourage her to take up dancing again as she used to love doing this and still does. She has a very strange way of looking at herself. She sees herself as far and ugly when in truth she is a healthy size 10 and a lovely looking young girl. She does say she knows I care but I don't give her any privacy which she is 14 and I don't see she needs. This seriously can't be normal life.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/07/2017 12:03

What privacy does she think you don't give her?

Her dad sounds like the issue!

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 12:31

Her dad to be fair has not been a major part of her life until now. He moves from women to women. She has got a relationship with her step father who has been here since she was 4 however he does not stand for her talking to me like crap.

misshelena · 26/07/2017 12:53

OP, you need to get dd's dad on your side asap! Surely you can reason with him! He needs to support you. I agree with Dame, you need to come down on DD like a ton of bricks. Do it now before she starts at the new school! She is 14, it's not too late.
We went through a rough period with DD1 (just turned 17) when she was 13yo. She was hanging out with mean girls who were nasty towards each other and were consumed with climbing the middle school social totem pole (DD was just as bad as any of them). After repeated talking (and screaming, I am not proud), we were able to convince DD that those friends were no good for her. But she couldn't figure out on her own how to disengage from them. In the end, we put her into a competitive sports team that required 2 hrs of practice every day and that effectively ended her friendship with those girls as she had no time to hang out with them.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/07/2017 13:17

In what way does her step father but stand for the way she talks to you?

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 13:56

Step father does a lot of shouting and tells her how it is. Equally he is the 1st to praise her when she does something good. Her father well god knows I have tried to tell him over and over again. He agreed with me then does sod all. I have found out this week that he ok with her smoking wtf. I knows he loves her but he tries to be her friend than a parent so matter what I'm always in the wrong. She is with me this week and we had a kick off yesterday as I cut the internet from her devices last night. Had a talk with her today and she says the right things to me. But never follows through. Ended up telling her it's only words and actions speak louder. She claims I put to much pressure in her. She has labelled herself as a problem child seems to be in in thing if you have issues. Explained she is no problem child the problem is her attitude.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/07/2017 14:36

What privacy does she want?

Do you put a lot of pressure on her? Is she rebelling because of it do you think?

I have to say her Step father shouting doesn't sound great even if he does praise her.

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 15:46

All I have ever asked of her is to do her best. She not an academic child. But have always said as long as she does her best nothing else matters. So I don't think I do put a lot of pressure on her unless saying behave at school counts. Her step father and I have very diff ways he has 2 kids in there 20's so I get I've been there and done that quite a lot. She thinks I shouldn't go on her fb but quite frankly she'll add anyone so I monitor it. Step father says I'm to soft in some respects I totally have been and this has been my failure

Katiekatie37 · 26/07/2017 16:05

What's the plan for September school wise?

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 17:07

She will be starting school in her dad's area. This has totally broken me but I think in the long run it the right thing to do. I see everyday these other kids are getting into bother all the time and posting it on fb like it's something to be proud of. I just want to try and keep on her on a steady path.

Katiekatie37 · 26/07/2017 17:15

Have they accepted her? Usually if they have been excluded it's a managed move. My DD was excluded in year 9 I was devastated , but it turned out to be the best thing that happened to her. She was managed moved to a specialist school with 20 children and more staff than children, did wonders for her all round.

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 17:59

She was going to be in a managed move however the descision was made to go to her dad's. The school did tell me that 2 schools had accepted her in my area but unfortunately slot further away and straight in the path of the then excluded kids. I'm truly devastated that she had been excluded so many times. Even the school couldn't believe how much she had changed from the year before.

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 18:00

Everyone keeps telling me this will be the making if her. I'm so stressed and worried I can only live in hope

Hercules12 · 26/07/2017 18:07

Op - sounds really difficult. Can you look back and see if there were any triggers in her change of behaviour?

Kath36 · 26/07/2017 18:17

Believe me I have tried. She was a great student in year 8. Pretty shy small group of friends. Then within 4 weeks of year 9 new friends happened. Within another 4 weeks came the 1st exclusion. I was devasted. There was a common person involved in all of them the so called best friend. The school even noted this and kept telling me they knew this other person was a problem. In class she was a good kid as they removed her from the friend group but break times was always when she was in trouble. By the time they expelled said person it was to late for my dd. The change was unbelievable. She says she wants to concentrate on school now but I have that fear she will find the next set of trouble makers. She is very easily led by others. However she knows right from wrong so all of this has been because of her actions.

Iluvthe80s · 27/07/2017 09:34

Hi OP sorry to hear you and your daughter are having a difficult time. We have had challenges with our DS, who has also been excluded, but we are also getting lots of support from various external sources....because we were desperate and asked.

When times are really tough, I sometimes have to remind myself that it is so much worse for him, as we know under all the swearing and crap, he is a good lad. just made some poor choices around friendships.

We also talk about consequences rather than punishments now, as this enables him to think about choices he makes and what could happen as a result. Punishments just don;t seem to work with him (he has ADHD and suffers anxiety too). As he'll be 16 next year we also have to prepare him has he moves towards adulthood

I always tell him I love him and thank him whenever he does something which is considerate of our feelings eg running late so contacts us to let us know he is ok, or gets in earlier than curfew.

You are doing the best you can. just make sure she knows you and her other family members will be there for her, to help her through this sticky stage

misshelena · 27/07/2017 12:36

OP, do you think your dd cares about your feelings? If she does, you should tell her how you feel. And tell her how encouraged you are that she is determined to do her best, and to stay away from bad influences at her new school. Yes, put the pressure on her to stay in the straight and narrow.
I have found that many teens don't think very highly of themselves and they won't make much of an effort to improve their own lives. However, for the right person, they'll put in the effort. Question is, OP, are you the "right" person? Or maybe it's a younger sibling? Someone else whose feelings dd cares about?

Kath36 · 27/07/2017 17:12

She tells me she cares what I think but then does what she wants anyway as she knows better. She is a loving kind and sweet girl when she wants to be then she turns into a monster. I have no other kids but her dad has gone on to have others. She adores the kids I'm friends with the ex's ex and she is looking out for her while she is staying with her dad and trying to be a positive influence on her. To be fair family and friends have tried talking to her but it all seems to fall on deaf ears. I just wish she would listen to me. I'm quite embarrassed to admit that with all the stress this year my gp has put me on the happy pills and I still feel no better. Surely this can't last forever.

misshelena · 27/07/2017 18:05

Aww hugs OP. It's tough. Hang in there, it won't be forever. Why are you embarrassed?? SOOO many people are on happy pills! I used to work at a big pharma and we used to jock that they should just put our co's brand of happy pill in our city's drinking water! Would save everyone the trouble of having to remember to take it! Takes at least 3 months to kick in. Give it time.

I have two suggestions based on what you said:

  • When dd is in her "loving kind and sweet" mood, hug her and tell her that you love her like that. That you wish she were always like that, the way she used to be.
  • Ask ex's ex to help you. Ask her to tell dd that her kids love and look up to their big sister. They want to grow up to be just like dd. That she is happy that dd has left those nasty "friends" behind and will soon get an opportunity to reinvent herself. Because she (ex's ex)wants dd to set a good example for her little siblings.