Toxic relationship with son

[seething1234]

I can only describe my relationship with my son as Toxic. It's really really awful. He's 16. He's cruel, says awful stuff to me in front of my younger children and hands up I get so fed up of his behaviour I can be quite cruel back.

I have no contact with my parents but he spends all his spare time with them where he is spoiled by them and has no chores to do. He is quite disrespectful to them and they laugh it off and then comes back to our house he gets pulled up on how he speaks to us and then flys off the handle. I get told to "f -off" "shut up you stupid btch" all in front of my little ones.

I'm at the stage where I either want him to sod off and go live with his grandparents where I can see him just doing nothing and sponging off them (they have a tendency to enable lazy spongers) or I am having visions of walking out on my family and moving away. I'm so miserable.

Has anyone come out the other side from a relationship like this?

Hi @seething1234, I understand how you are feeling as I went through an extremely turbulent relationship with my DS of the same age. The fact that you are trying to find ways to deal with the situation, means you are a good parent

I would suggest initially sitting down with your DS to have a conversation away from the family.
Ask him questions such as:

1. how he feels about you
2. himself
3. the family overall
4. What annoys him most within the household
5. School/college etc, etc And genuinely listen to his answers to those questions and discuss his responses including how he would suggest resolving disagreements. Try not to invalidate his feelings, acknowledge them even if you think he is wrong. For instance, so "DS I understand why asking you to wash up when you are in the middle of watching xxxx can make you feel upset, let's agree on a set time from now on. What time do you think is reasonable?" Probably a silly example but was trying to demonstrate a way of opening communication in a less confrontational way which will hopefully help tackle the disagreement over things and get your communication with him back to a level where he is discussing his concerns instead of shouting at you and vice versa. There may be issues going on with him that you are not aware of and he will never reveal due to the current state of communication between you.

The change with my DS didn't happen overnight but ime by continuously engaging and asking him his opinions and feelings over issues his disagreed with made him also focus on whether his reactions to situations were appropriate and explore better ways of dealing with situations that are not going his way. Gradually DS saw his own reactions were not mature and changed his behaviour.

I hope that helps xx

Very good advice from a PP but you also must look closer to home.

Teenagers do not spout off language like that without being exposed to it themselves by a parent or other caregiver in their lives.

Does he have a father a step father? Who is his role models?

What punishments does he get for talking like that ?

I can understand you snapping back at him but that is not ok on regular occasions - he should feel safe, nurtured and respected - if he doesn't then he is not going to be able to develop a good sense of self

Teenagers do not spout off language like that without being exposed to it themselves by a parent or other caregiver in their lives.

Seriously?

Have you any experience of teens/teen culture?

The situation sounds heartbreaking Op. I agree with the pp who suggested talking but talk person to person not parent to child IUKWIM.

Thanks for taking time to reply @Aquathest very interested to see you had similar experience. It feels a bit of a viscous circle at times. I wake up thinking I'm going to be positive and upbeat and he comes down shouting and roaring over something or gets rude if he has to be reminded to tidy up after his breakfast.

We did a parenting course about 3 years ago and when we took the sitting down approach and tried to get his opinion on things he just sneered at us - about having "family meetings".

Seething - I'm sorry your previous attempts have not worked.
Without being patronising- can I ask if you have tried talking 1-2-1 rather than a family talk at first?

My DS did not respond to the collective talks at first either but was better when I started with 121s. What struck me was that underneath the angry shouty teenager, through our 121s, he revealed more of his insecurities and I think it would have been much harder for him to do that in a talk with my DH and all DC included all the time.

I do also know what you mean about waking up positive and that going out the window when DS emerges from his room. I took to saying to my DS 'when you're ready to talk to me calmly and with the respect I deserve, I'll be ready to listen' and walk off.

@Aquathest thank you for the great advice. I really hope it's not too late for us. Something has to change here.

@seething1234 I really hope you can get through this with your DS. Do post again if you need to. I am sure there are more posters who can give lots of advice.

Best of luck - all of your family deserve to be happy in their own home too.

Teenagers do not spout off language like that without being exposed to it themselves by a parent or other caregiver in their lives.
That's absolutely not true.