Relate family therapy- any experience? divorce fallout & difficult teens!

[greenberet]

I have also posted in relationships but may get more advice here

Has anyone tried the relate family counselling - i am running out of resilience to deal with constant battles with twin DC age 16.
I know the underlying issue is an extremely acrimonious divorce where the upshot is the kids are having to change schools and leave behind their friends and move from the family home. This has all been manipulated by the X in his attempt to destroy me but the end result is it is destroying the kids.

I get the full brunt of their anger as X will not discuss anything with me or them other than basic requirements. The kids are caught in the middle despite my best attempts for this not to happen because the X continually undermines my parenting with game playing )I have seen the evidence of this on my DDs phone) and refuses to acknowledge that the "divorce" is having any detrimental impact on the kids despite my DS talking about hating his life and sometimes "wishing" he were dead.

I have a huge back story - too long to post here - but have been a frequent poster.

I am currently having counselling for my own support as I suffer with long term depression (which was significantly minimised by the judge and X in the court hearing despite evidence from MH) and the kids are now using this against me when i try and enforce boundaries - saying I am unreasonable and unstable and not normal like other parents.

i know a lot of this is general teenage issues but my DS was punching the wall last night in anger/frustration.

My only option when I run out of ability to cope is to send them to stay with their DF - he does not instigate having a fair split of contact during the holidays and so this comes across as "punishment" but it is me being desperate for a break.

My kids are good kids - they have made me so proud in how they have got through their GSCEs - they are now having to face huge consequences which is so unfair on them. ( im blubbing now)

I need some help to get through this next bit before we tear each other apart and I end up in a looney bin (no offence meant here) because i can no longer do this on my own.

We used them for our DSs. We had one joint family session then the DSs were given their own counselors. One had a very good counselor, the other not so much. When we first applied we were seen quite quickly. The DSs were seen for quite a few sessions and stopped when they felt ready. Both wanted to go back some time later. DS1 was never offered any more sessions as there didn't seem to be anyone available at the time. DS2 went back to the person he'd originally seen until she left the service.

We used Relate at the time because CAMHS didn't come through for us. All in all we were quite satisfied with their service.

Hi Greenberet - I can so relate to your post. I'm going through exactly the same thing as you. We are divorcing and ex is playing mind-games. We have a 14 DS who is struggling a lot.

I've tried Relate as we were thinking of family counselling. I've had a couple of sessions but they said they would see me and my ds but not ex because he has subjected me to domestic violence on a number of occasions. I had hoped it could be used as a forum where we could discuss co-parenting my ds. There view was that if the discussions were to revolve around an uncomfortable truth my ds would take it out on me outside the meeting.

They have an off-shoot for children called Relating that they would be sending my ds to. The trouble is ds is having counselling via the school and I think there was a concern that he should not have 2 lots of counselling.

thanks for the replies megirl and joey - ds has been referred to CAMHS and was accepted but wouldn't agree to go - he was also offered counselling through school but again would not go -
the difficulty i have is that the X totally dismissed my depression in divorce and i think he blames "everything" on me - the kids never saw me loose it until I found out about his affair and somehow he has managed to influence them that i am unstable and i think uses this to justify why he left and his affair - he/they do not get that my anger was justified

i am going to try relate - even if i have to go first.

joey- i wouldn't bother trying to "co -parent" - the courts insist on this but i dont think they can have any idea what it is like to co parent with someone that has no respect for you - i have constantly emailed the x all the way through about the kids- mostly he ignores everything unless he can use it against me - he has not the slightest concern that his behaviour is in anyway contributory even though he is still having counselling himself - christ knows what he is being told! no doubt that he is well out of a dodgy marriage!