I think dd hurt the dog

[BrightonBelleCat]

This morning DD was downstairs with the dog who gave several hurt 'yips', I ran downstairs to see what was happening and couldn't see anything wrong with him except dd was sitting there.

I asked her what happened and she said I don't know he just started crying. I said well something must have happened for him
To make that noise. She then started shouting at me that I was accusing her of hurting him.

Dd has asd, she isn't keen on the dog but loves the cat. She thinks liking the dog is a 'betrayal' of the cats affections. She is 13.

I can't accuse her but I think she may have hurt him. What do I do? He is fine now by the way I can't see what's wrong with him.

I had this exact issue at home.

You need to take this very seriously. Hurting an animal is a sign of a lot of other mental issues and can lead to further issues if not checked.

When I know a child is crying but, has already lied about it I don't ask anymore I say that, ' I know you have hurt the dog. Why did you do that?'

You know she has hurt the dog so, remove the option of a get our clause and say directly you know this has happened and you want an explanation. If she is denying it she knows it's wrong and she may deny it until she is blue in the face but, go along with a punishment regardless of a confession.

This both teaches the child what they did is unacceptable and lying to their mother is also unacceptable.

when i know a child is lying*

Couldn't he have been stung by a mosquito or wasp or something? Why suspect your DD? If she had yelped would you instantly have suspected the dog of hurting her?

If she thinks you love the dog too much/ more than her and the cat (not saying you do, but if she thinks that) then if she accidentally stripped over the dog or stood on his foot she might deny it thinking you'd be cross...

I have seen numerous get out clauses given to children who have simply denied it too parents.

This is the wrong thing to do. If you know they have done something wrong you tackle it directly and act quickly to either teach them it's wrong or if its a reoccurring issue, punish.

*tripped not stripped obviously

So you just unilaterally decree that your child has lied and done something they deny because of a feeling, and show them clearly that the dog ranks securely above them in your priorities funky ? Way to ensure issue free children.

To be honest, it could be anything and might not be linked to your DD at all. My DDog yips when he jumps off the sofa funny sometimes, nothing wrong with him, or if you trip over him, or whatever, he's just a proper wimp HOWEVER you know your DD and your DDog best. I'd leave it for now to be honest but keep an eye out if you're worried.

@5moreminutes I am saying that if she is sure the child has hurt the dog. Like if the dog was lying on the floor. There are times I know a child has done something even though I wasn't there.

You know your dog and you know your child you will know who is lying.

I wasn't accusing her but when I went downstairs she got so defensive.

She is funny around him, she loves the cat so much. She plays really nicely with the dog then its like she remembers she prefers the cat.

She is very unemotional and almost robotic at times I worry so much about her mental health.

You know your daughter and if you feel that she hurt the dog have a word and say that sometimes accidents happen and it's not right to hurt animals even if we aren't fond of them and that if she is ever seen or thought to have hurt an animal there will be trouble.

Word it along those lines.

If I were you and I knew for sure she did it I would create a consequence now because I know people may think it's only an animal but, hurting animals is a number one sign of a deeper issue that may lead to hurting other children. I think it's too important not to jump on now.

I'm sure your daughter is fine mentally she obviously has a mother who is very much concerned about her. She will be okay. It's just children being children and learning life lessons can be a rocky road.

You know your daughter and if you feel that she hurt the dog have a word and say that sometimes accidents happen and it's not right to hurt animals even if we aren't fond of them and that if she is ever seen or thought to have hurt an animal there will be trouble.

Word it along those lines.

If I were you and I knew for sure she did it I would create a consequence now because I know people may think it's only an animal but, hurting animals is a number one sign of a deeper issue that may lead to hurting other children. I think it's too important not to jump on now.

I'm sure your daughter is fine mentally she obviously has a mother who is very much concerned about her. She will be okay. It's just children being children and learning life lessons can be a rocky road.

Your dog could have been stung or something similar, not necessarily hurt by your DD. But you know them both best. If you do believe she has hurt him then you do need to come down hard.

You need to be careful, though in accusing someone of lying if they have a condition such as ASD, where they are likely to be telling the truth but from a different viewpoint.

E.g. 'I didn't hurt the dog, I just turned it's paw over to see what it trod in.' That would be a perfectly plausible explanation for why the dog had got hurt, but also why someone might not see that they had (intentionally) hurt the animal. So a different approach is needed, which recognises that intent and consequence don't always align, and animals can get hurt by our innocent intentions.

The above example, I should have said, could explain why a dog yelped because it's paw had been twisted.

If she was sitting right there she would have known why the dog was helping in pain, she would have seen what was happening and responded to you accordingly.

So yes, I'd trust your instincts. But as others said, hurting animals is a really big red flag, especially a family pet. Other than trust your instincts and be careful, I'm really not sure what to advise. 💐

How was the dog round her afterwards? Did he act scared or shy away from her?

She has autism, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her mental health. Sounding robotic isn't the same as feeling robotic, it's more a difference in communication and understanding.

Instead of trying to figure out if she's to blame your best bet on the spot is to just come in and make a big fuss of the dog. "Oh dear, poor dog, I heard you crying, what happened to you? (pat, stroke, fuss, sympathy, inspect for hurt bits.) Jane, did you see anything? Let's see, have you got a sore paw? No? Oh good." etc. etc Keep the emphasis on making the dog better. Praise DD for any help she gives you (putting the light on so you can see better, getting a dog treat), tell her how kind she is being. This is part of teaching her how to react to a hurt creature (even one she doesn't like) with kindness and empathy.

if she is ever seen or thought to have hurt an animal there will be trouble.

It might work for you but I would not say that to a teen with autism. It is a vague threat not a concrete consequence, it expects her to guess what might be going on in someone else's head, and she may struggle to connect that to her own behaviour. In which case it will raise her anxiety around the dog and make her like the dog even less. Instead you could create a "social story" around how to treat the dog (kindly) in general, and talk it through with her. Short, sweet and concrete.

I can see how ASD thinking could link liking the dog as a betrayal of the cat's affections, but I don't think that makes a leap to deliberately hurting the dog.

Has she hurt animals previously?

She does have anxiety and mental health issues she is under camhs as has threatened suicide in the past. She has not hurt an animal before as far as I know.

Dog seems fine now and was ok afterwards.

People with anxiety can very easily get defensive about something they haven't done, because their anxiety tells them that they're going to get into trouble. It's exactly the kind of reaction my dd would have. When she was little I often had not way of knowing if she had done something or not because she would wind herself up into such a state anyway and sometimes even convince herself that she had done something which I then found she either couldn't have done or that little brother (all sweetness and innocence) had done instead.

And even I, who have very mild anxiety, remember getting into a horrible state when my uncle sent me to do some shopping for him and then came upon me as I was eating a bar of chocolate: I had paid for it with my own money but somehow was convinced he would think I had been using his. It's not rational but a perfectly plausible scenario for someone who is anxious.

Of course she may have hurt the dog. But equally well she may not. And if she does have anxiety, being unjustly accused and punished will make her more anxious next time.

I think making a fuss of the dog would have been the right way to go. And keeping an eye, but very discreetly.

Well, anxiety would account for her defensiveness.

If her behaviour is generally OK with the dog and the problem is one of loyalty then you might talk to her about having multiple circles of relationships - some closer than others? The cat might be her "closest (animal) friend" but the dog is a "friend" too, and that's OK. It's a useful thing to understand in human relationships too, some kids with ASCs can try to overwhelm their "best friends" and be too exclusive.

Her behaviour is ok with him she can be a bit rough and eases off when told to calm down. I've told her it's ok to love the dog as well as the cat, but she just says I don't love the dog I love the cat.

I would try to avoid putting any pressure on her re loving the dog, even by discussing it uninvited. Just make it clear there are certain rules about how you behave around animals, but that there are no rules about how you feel about something.

My dog sometimes yelps when no one is near her. She catches a claw on the carpet or gets a knot in her fur, for example. It is quite possible your DD didn't do anything to the dog to make it yelp.