Am I a bad mum?

[user1499604508]

17 yo DD has gone to live with her dad after she says I'm "unfair to her" and I "don't let her lead a teenage life". I always try to be fair and let her have friends round and give her spending money but it's the issues with the 29 yo BF I have, I've tried everything to help her and make her understand I'm trying to shelter her from getting hurt but the cracks in our relationship are starting to show!

I would have thought having to navigate around her dad every time the 29yo Boyf. wants to see her might put the 29yo boyf. off the relationship far better than you can, anyway.

Sounds like you're really taking this to heart. Did you never get annoyed with your parents?

lljkk, would you not take it to heart if you were trying to protect your child and they said you were unfair? OP, your child obviously doesn't understand the issue of the age gap between her and her boyfriend. In my experience, teenage relationships with such an age gap don't last anyway- my 16yr old DD had a 24yr old BF and I just waited it out until they broke up 3 months later!! I'm sure your daughter will snap out of it eventually and realise that you're right to be concerned.

Well depends - does she think dad will give her everything she wants? Will he let her do what she wants?

I would embrace the time apart and wait till she wants to come back

Teenagers always say their parents are being unfair.
Heck little kids say that, a lot.
"Unfair" is the motto of teenagers since time immemorial.
Or maybe that's just true in my universe.
I couldn't take it seriously.

Is this more of a rivalry thing with the other parent, for the child's affections? I don't identify with that either, but I know it's common. My mother was horrific for being jealous of me getting along better with my dad, & you read a lot on MN where folk are unhappy that their child seems to prefer the other parent.

I have a great relationship with my DDs father, we get along well and support our child regardless of our split, the issue I have is the older boyfriend and the way my DD sees me as being unfair. The father does not approve of it either so I'm wondering why she decides to move?

I also suspect that the older boyfriend may be into drugs or sell them but nothing too serious, me and DD have smoked weed before together as I believe it help someone strengthen our connection but I wouldn't want her doing this with anyone else!

I completely relate to your recent comment, OP! I let my DD smoke weed around me so she doesn't have to do it in some random bus shelter! Maybe if you invite her back home and calmly voice your concerns about her BF and his possible drug-use/selling then she may understand and come back with you- but we all know how stubborn teenagers can be!! I would just make sure the father is taking good care of her and keeping a close eye on her

hahaha, good one OP. You had us going there.

Well, if you worry that Despicable Me will be too strong for her, then I think her complaints are valid.

I expect her DDad will be able to deal with the BF just as well as you can, and perhaps he won't expose her to mind-altering situations.

You can't stop a 16 yo choosing which parent to live with.

If you stop attempts at excessive sheltering, perhaps your relationship will improve.