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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 15yr old daughter and her boyfriend.

41 replies

Chloo · 08/07/2017 10:27

So basically my daughter who is 15 and 16 in December has had a boyfriend for nearly a year and a half, we like him and he's got really good manners. But we are scared boys only want one things, however I know my daughter is open with me so I know she would tell me anything she is worried about, she wants her boyfriend round today in her room, she does go to his house on a Friday and Saturday night and I'm fine with this. What do I do? Should I let them?

OP posts:

16middlenames · 08/07/2017 17:40

They'll be having sex. She's been with him a year and a half, it's not like it's someone she doesn't know. It's not just about boys "only wanting one thing" believe it or not girls want to have sex too. I rarely share the age I lost my virginity - young - because people tend to judge, but I wasn't pressured into it, I was an early bloomer and I felt I was ready. I wouldn't go back and change it with hindsight either. Horny teenager stereotypes fit both genders! Just make sure she knows to use contraception.

AdalindSchade · 08/07/2017 17:41

You don't know for a fact she will tell you before she has sex. Not at all.

Crabbo · 08/07/2017 17:45

When I was a teenager most of my friends were allowed their boyfriends to stay over at their houses. And yes everyone had sex, in the privacy and safety of their rooms. One friend had very strict parents who wouldn't let her boyfriend stay over/ door had to be open all the time etc. She had sex with him at the bottom of the garden (big garden!), under the pier at the beach, in the bench shelters at the seafront... Stopping him staying over won't stop it happening, so at least let them have somewhere safe to do it!

Wheelycote · 08/07/2017 18:22

It's a tricky age...

Tell them to leave door open and do the annoying parent thing of randomly having to go up and downstairs.

Have that conversation about protection again and again

When she's 16...everything changes and you've got to give them freedom

I'm the meantime be the cringey parent....it's your absolute duty befriend the stents and go over for drinks and food on the front/sat....that will be e en cringier for them 😀

An whatever you do trust that you have raised a level headed human being and relax....it's a tricky age....were damned if we do and damned if we don't at this stage in a teenagers life. On a plus note you like him!!!!!!!!! That's a bonus!!!

leonardthelemming · 08/07/2017 18:25

AndNowItIsSeven that's hilarious. What is the very good reason for sex being fine on someone's 16th birthday and not the day before?

I was going to ask this too. It crops up on MN quite often and I'm pretty sure the people who make this statement think the reason is something different from what it actually is.

But TeenageRomance makes a good point. Not all teenagers want to rush into sex. Many are quite prepared to wait. But the decision - to have sex or not to have sex - rests with the people involved. Parents can't make that choice for them.

Restawhile · 08/07/2017 18:32

I would keep an open dialogue and ask her to tell you if she wants to organise contraception , but it needs to be her decision when it feels right. I would ignore the magic 16 figure but talk about it being on her terms and when it feels right for her. Girls like sex just as much as boys .

Teenageromance · 08/07/2017 22:12

My dd has told me that at 16 she is very in love with her boyfriend but doesn't feel ready for a sexual relationship. Now I know many of you will scoff and say they are at it but I am going to honour what she says and put boundaries in place which support her decision. So that means for now I am not allowing sleepovers or boyfriends in rooms. Her boyfriend, who is nearly 18, has told her he doesn't want a sexual relationship if she is not ready for it. I'm saying all this to say sometimes we need to support our teenagers in decisions they have made themselves and not be ready to jump into accommodating things because "all the other parents do it". I still maintain that at this age we have the greater experience and wisdom. And can therefore guide choices. I know not everyone agrees with this but I thing casual sex is not helpful at this age and I'm not completely sure all parties are aware of the changes in relationships it will bring.

demirose87 · 09/07/2017 11:48

I think being ready for sex goes on a lot more than age, some 17 year olds and older aren't ready for it. If she's 15 and wants to do it and feels ready for it, then they most likely find a way to do it. However, the law is 16 to protect children. I think at 15, I would allow him to be in her room, no over night sleep overs and make sure she knows about contraception and the emotional side of sex. I'd say anything younger is questionable and I wouldn't allow, unless the door was kept open.

NoLoveofMine · 09/07/2017 11:58

What is the very good reason for sex being fine on someone's 16th birthday and not the day before?

Do you not think there should be an age of consent then?

I agree with Teenageromance and demirose87 that it's not inevitable they'll be having sex; there are plenty of teenagers who don't. By the sounds of it, though, they're in a strong relationship, care for one another's feelings and if they feel they want to and are ready then good for them.

ShinyGirl · 09/07/2017 11:58

That horse has bolted OP.

They'll be at it like rabbits.

ladybee28 · 09/07/2017 13:04

NoLoveofMine – not necessarily – I was more responding to the statement that the law says 16 'for very good reason'.

The legal age of consent worldwide ranges from 11 - 20, and people's emotional, physical and logical development vary wildly, too.

I absolutely think it's important to have legal guidelines protecting minors, and therefore the pin has to be stuck in the donkey somewhere, but I just don't think that 16 is a magical age at which an individual is suddenly capable of giving informed consent.

NoLoveofMine · 09/07/2017 13:15

I just don't think that 16 is a magical age at which an individual is suddenly capable of giving informed consent.

I concur with this but there has to be a "line" somewhere, so the issue will be similar whatever the age. I definitely don't think it should be any lower than 16.

IHaveBrilloHair · 09/07/2017 13:28

I allow my 15yr old and her bf to be alone in her room, I know what they are doing and I know they are being responsible, I like him too.
They'd do it anyway and I'd rather they were safe here.

ladybee28 · 09/07/2017 13:46

I concur with this but there has to be a "line" somewhere, so the issue will be similar whatever the age. I definitely don't think it should be any lower than 16.

Sure – not disagreeing with you at all.

silkpyjamasallday · 09/07/2017 18:26

I lost my virginity just after turning 15, I fed my mum loads of lines about how I wasn't ready, I wanted to wait etc etc by the time I was 16 and told her I was going to go and get the pill I had slept with two people. I wasn't allowed boys in my room at home so I ended up doing it in parks/cars/a hollow tree... best to just leave them to it, don't insist on the door being open, that will just drive them out of the house to do it.

CaptainCanary · 11/07/2017 13:42

In all honesty they're probably already having sex at his house OP. I wouldn't expect that it's something she'll want to talk to you about so I'd raise the topic with her, not asking outright but just making sure she knows where she can get contraception and that she's able to talk to you if she ever wants to or has any concerns.

My DS1 and his gf are also 15, I sat him down and had 'the talk' about condoms etc pretty early on and made sure he had some and knew he could always ask me to buy more if he was embarrassed to get them himself, no judgement and no questions asked. We seem to have a deal that he doesn't like to ask in person so will text, I buy them and put them in the cupboard, he helps himself when he needs them. I know they have sex when gf comes over but it doesn't really matter what I think about it, they've started and won't stop just because I ask them to so I'd rather they were safe and did it here than sneaking around who knows where!

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