14 year old ds abusive towards me DH very unsupportive

[jennyt19]

At my wits end. I have a 14 year old ds who is becoming increasingly violent towards me. He's often thrown things at me and called me names but a few months ago he threw a remote control at the TV and broke it. I was insistent that we did not immediately replace the TV and that we made sure there were consequences. My dh to my absolute frustration replaced it the very next day. Three months later exactly the same thing happened. I managed to convince my dh that we did not replace it but made sure that he earns it back. That lasted 2 weeks before he replaced it. Again no consequences.

He's now becoming violent towards me and he's always violent when my husband is out of the house. My DH says that my ds is not violent towards him therefore I must be doing something wrong. My ds always comes up with some sob story which my DH believes so again he plonks the blame on me. Because my DH does nothing, or worse, he supports my ds I said I'd call the police next time. On Tuesday last week my DS took my glasses of my head, broke them and threw them across the room. This is because I tried to encourage him to brush his teeth (he hasn't brushed his teeth for about a month). I was so angry with him. I told him that he was paying for those glasses and he said he doesn't care. So I just lost it with him. He then sat on me and punched me 3 times in the head. I called the police. Whilst waiting for the police I stood in the kitchen and my ds was wondering around. He looked like he was psyching himself up to apologise but no; he was looking for his iPad.

The police were really good but my DS told them that I'd tried to strangle him. They took statements from both of us and it became apparent to them that the real problem in the house was my DH, although my DH wasn't around. I told them how he tends to support my DS each and every time there's an episode like this. I also told them a few other incidents and they spoke to him on the phone.

Since this incident my DH has been telling everyone that I'm subject to a criminal investigation because I tried to strangle DS which is totally not true. He's even told his 94 year old father who was livid with me. He immediately called my father (who's 90) and told him how disgusted he was with me. He's told all our friends. Meanwhile my DS is sitting pretty. Having been able to turn the tables on me. It has become so unbearable I've had to move out.

We're going through a divorce at the moment and this is really going against me.

So worried that I'm going to lose my DS. My DS has a really good side. He can be totally lovely when he wants to be. It's such a shame. This has become a game for him.

You were in danger and to make yourself safe you have moved out.

Your DS IS lost to you, at the moment.

I'm so sorry.

So sorry OP that's terrible 😔. You have 100% done the right thing, call the police every time, how dare he treat you like that. Yes your DH is to blame BUT your son is equally to blame and needs to learn that. My DD has additional needs and behaviour difficulties even with someone else egging her on she would know that hitting your mother is plain wrong. Your son is being an abusive bully and your DH is condoning it.

I was puzzled all the way through this until I read you are getting divorced.

Your DH is supporting your DS behaviour because it is allowing him (DH) to bully you by proxy, iyswim. It suits him to have DS hurting you, which is of course absolutely horrendous on so many levels.

The immediate problem is that you are in physical danger: a punch to the head can kill. So you need to get yourself to a place of safety. I would also involve SS (yep, really) to start to look at family counselling to put you and DS's relationship back together, but that can't happen while you are at risk of violence.

I'm glad you called the police - until you can move out, do that every time.

Honestly, this is a DH problem rather than a DS problem at heart, but you can't solve the problem until you're safe.

you did the right thing calling the police and you must do this every time he attacks you.
your DH sounds like an arsehole and is clearly influencing this behavior from your DS.
it might be worth taking legal advise on the fabricated lies that your thankfully soon to be ex is sharing-possibly make the police aware of this too
I also think you should speak with SS-make them aware of full history and flag your concerns about the fact that your DH is adding fuel to the fire with your DS. Make it clear to them that you have nothing to hide as you have done nothing wrong

Jenny, I was understand your situation so, so well.
A few years ago when my son was 16, he turned on me and got me in a head lock and smashed a mirror. I sat terrified while he ranted and raged. I was so upset I could hardly breath, I was shaking and in shock. My dh reaction when he returned home?
What had I said to upset him?
He then asked him to play cards with him and dh friends. I sat in my bedroom while my ds could be heard laughing down stairs.
I too threatened to move out unless he showed me more support.
I really feel for you - I turned to mumsnet for much needed support .
My Dh eventually discovered what it is like to be on the receiving end of my ds anger. And finally saw what I was talking about.
In my experience, some teen boys go through a ' transition ' mine was a nightmare.
He's 19 now and can be good company.
Don't stress too much about your relationship with your ds, as you are not living with him, it should be your dh who will get the brunt of his outbursts. Your sons is old enough to know what he has done to you. You could keep it in contact by offering him lifts ( if you drive). In my experience, this will please your ds ( they can become incredibly selfish at this age) . It will show him you care ( it's important to keep that door open) . But more importantly you need support, don't be afraid to ask for help.
Your dh sounds nasty, I hope you've put his dad straight about his son.
Don't feel people will judge you or not believe you, close friends are invaluable.
Hang in their it's a horrible time but it will get better. Xxxx

Thank you everyone for your response. It's hearing what you have to say that gives me strength. Today I learned that my DH has booked a double doctors appointment for my DS without consulting me. We can all guess what it was about!! My DH has also requested a meeting with the school. He's obviously ramping up the pressure. I drafted an email to the school thinking I want to get in there first. I had input from my sister and brother and brother in-law. Once I sent it I regretted it so I recalled it but I'm not sure I recalled in time. Now I'm feeling really horrible. Not sure what to do. I'm afraid I will lose DS. Although, strangely I had a text from my DH asking when I wanted to have DS over summer!!!

You need to regain some control of the situation here. Regarding the allegations he is making about you speak with the police who came when you called them. If it states in the police report that your ds alleged you hurt him but they could see no evidence then that's pretty clear. Also surely they would have arrested you if they suspected you had assaulted him good s he is a child. I think it's worth you calling the school and arranging to speak to the head so you can clarify what happened. For the school it will be tough as it's one word against another but they surely have to listen to both sides

Why is every one assuming it's the fault of the op husband ? Maybe the op is violent to her son, are posters assuming that because she is a woman she must be blameless

Northernparent - I'm 5'0" and DS is 5'8". He's much stronger than me and knows it. It is not physically possible for me to be abusive towards him. MY DH on the other hand is very intimidating. He scares both of us. When he asks my DS to do something he just does it without question.

Actually joey size has relatively little to do with domestic violence, most abused men are stronger than their partners, it does nt stop them being victims.

Where is your DS getting all this from? Is your DH violent towards you?

Northern we can only ever go on what the OP tells us, of course.

This op tells us her son is violent and has punched her in the head, and that her husband diminishes this behaviour and is trying to set up a paper trail to make this situation the OP's fault.

If you don't believe her, report. Don't troll hunt on the thread please.

Why is every one assuming it's the fault of the op husband ? Maybe the op is violent to her son, are posters assuming that because she is a woman she must be blameless

Because we can only go on what the OP posts. Feel free to advise the woman on "alternative facts" but it seems a bit of a waste of time to me. Why not reply to a post where you actually believe the OP instead.