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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

ARGH. Over 18 and have no authority...

24 replies

WilfSell · 04/07/2017 13:16

Doing the usual banging head at my adult teen...

He won't get out of bed, won't get a part-time/temp job (he's doing a BTEC, has 4 days a week to work in, and finished college for the summer some weeks ago), does SOD ALL around the house and now that his sporting season has ended he is not doing his usual coaching volunteer job either.

He's either lying in bed everyday till 4pm, or on (his) Xbox in the dining room. When he's not doing that he's in his kingsize bed with his girlfriend, at her house or out on the town. In between, he usually complains about the food we buy, and cooks himself something to eat round about 5pm, not bothering with the rest of the family, and leaves everything all over the kitchen in a tip.

He does no housework, unless we demand/cajole. Now he's 18 and pissed off, he suggest we need to pay him to do it if we ask.

Now I'm quite chilled about young adults having downtime when they're studying/working/volunteering AND they're contributing around the house. But this has got ridiculous.

Yes, please berate me for what a shit parent I must be, especially if you have perfect toddlers who you know won't behave like this when they're 18 but please do it in your head, and meanwhile, tell me one thing... Before you get there, also please note I've changed the wifi password, cut off his allowance and stopped paying his mobile phone contract. He turned 18 recently, so he has PISSED away all the huge sum of money he was given on Dominos pizza deliveries, alcohol, smoking and shit, instead of buying a car and having lessons; and he's now about to piss away the small 'you're an adult now' fund his dad and I saved for him on his lifestyle choices. His choice, but the point is he won't be poor enough to feel the consequences for a while (a few months I reckon) as he spends up this fund.

I have no more control over him. He won't listen to me, won't do anything I suggest (in fact, goes out of the way to do the opposite), doesn't need my help. Ho hum.

So. I need to know: given the Xbox is his, and the family controls won't work now he is 18, should I just cut off the plug and tell him until he starts contributing, he can't use the electricity?

What else can/should I legitimately try to control to manage this situation?

OP posts:

anonymice · 04/07/2017 13:18

ask him to pay rent. Should force his hand.

blueskyinmarch · 04/07/2017 13:24

Work out what he costs you in terms of rent, utilities and food then bill him weekly with a date this to be paid for and with a clear notice saying that if the bill is unpaid then he will be evicted. When he doesn’t pay, pack up all his belongings and leave them outside for him. Stark but clear.

KoolKoala07 · 04/07/2017 14:29

Charge rent. And don't give him the 'you're now an adult' fund. And tell him why.

guinnessgirl · 04/07/2017 14:43

What blueskyinmarch said. If he's going to use the "I'm an adult and you can't tell me what to do" excuse, then make it clear he's going to be treated like an adult, with all the responsibility that comes with it. Paying rent and bills, pulling your own weight, contributing to the household, etc etc. And yes, eviction if he won't do that. Harsh but fair. You need to make your boundaries crystal clear so that he develops healthy boundaries of his own, otherwise you're giving him a green light to become an habitual freeloader.

Dianag111 · 04/07/2017 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 04/07/2017 19:11

Lol, a yes the joy of teenagers. All I can say is it will be a constant battle. Good luck op...

Justhadmyhaircut · 04/07/2017 19:12

Cutting the plug is a fantastic idea. .
And lock the fridge. .

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/07/2017 19:35

Absolutely charge him rent - board and lodging. And why are you giving him the money you and DH have saved??

And stick this on his door...

SleightOfHand · 04/07/2017 20:30

I think you'll just have to wait until the money runs out. My sons the same but with no girlfriend and doesn't go out, so it could be worse.

TheNoseyProject · 04/07/2017 20:34

Well don't give him the extra money from you!

Sparklingbrook · 04/07/2017 20:36

Interested as to how the bed being King Size is essential information.

I have an 18 year old myself. It seems you will have to wait for the money to run out and stop funding him.

RippleEffects · 04/07/2017 20:47

Could you strip his room of all but bed and he has to earn it back?

How harsh do you want to go and what have you really got to negotiate with i.e. has he had all the money?

VimFuego101 · 04/07/2017 20:49

Do you have to give him the remaining money, or is it in his name?

RodeoDriveBaby · 04/07/2017 20:54

Charge rent. He gets kicked out if he doesn't pay it.

And for heavens sake don't give him the money you have saved!!! Wait til he's older and more responsible.

AnyFucker · 04/07/2017 20:54

Sounds very much like my teen son but the one thing I would draw the line at is the lying in bed with his girlfriend

That's just a pisstake

Ypu sound like a normal parent to me biut I have always been superstrict about my kids shagging right under my nose. Especially when they vitually flaunt it in your face.

AnyFucker · 04/07/2017 20:56

I also think money saved for him has been given too soon

Most 18yo boys are nowhere near mature enough to use it wisely.

25yo would be nearer the mark. He might be halfway human by then

Junglefowl · 04/07/2017 21:00

I am short of experience but this sounds terrible to live with and frustrating. I would ask him to move out in X months (whatever you feel reasonable) as you are worried he is doing so little and want to help him stand on his own two feet??

SleightOfHand · 04/07/2017 21:01

My son had one of those children's saver accounts since he was a baby, The ones that mature when they reach 18, I don't think I could have stopped him having the money if I wanted to, not that he's spending it atm.

GasLightShining · 07/07/2017 20:13

Stop buying nice food and as much as it is a pain in the arse shop each day for evening meal so there is not an eccess of food for him to eat.

Check how the savings account was set up. For some reason my DS account had my name on it as well. He might be 18 but is unable to access the money - I have to

Howlongtilldinner · 10/07/2017 05:14

I'm in the same boat. Dropped out of (first year) uni, spent every last penny of his student loans (and more) and is now 'trying'to get a job. Has met a girl (she's very sweet) who has just finished college, and has been over on a daily basis for the last week. I fear he won't be too fussed about work now

I am a lone parent and don't have any support, his father is hopeless. I just don't know what to do.

for you OP

BallroomDreams · 07/08/2017 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Floofborksnootandboop · 07/08/2017 20:14

I would draw the line at is the lying in bed with his girlfriend That's just a pisstake
He's 18, if he want to be in bed with his girlfriend he can

That's no the pisstake either, that's probably the least relevant and least piss take part of it. The piss take is him not looking for a job, not helping out at home and cooking meals for just himself and leaving a mess.

PencilsInSpace · 07/08/2017 20:20

You have no authority because he is now an adult, so you need to treat him as one.

Give him the option of paying rent and agreeing to reasonable rules for any adult sharing a property, or he can move out.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 07/08/2017 20:25

Lock for the fridge and cupboards

Give him details of the charges for electricity, bed and board. If he won't pay, cut the plug off the X Box.

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