Would should I do? At total wits end with 17 year old dd

[sweetfig]

To give you a brief history my eldest dd has not got anywhere in her 1st year in 6th form. Unfortunately for her she was badly bullied at the start and lost all friends as a result. Her attendance at school was very low and she has become very anxious and withdrawn with no self-confidence.

I work at another secondary school in the area and got her a place to restart 6th form in September with a fresh start. She has been seeing her doc about her social anxiety issues and has been on sertraline for nearly 4 weeks which has started to make her better. She does nothing during the day, doesn't leave the house and will not get a job. It was a struggle to her to see a doc but we did a deal with her that if she kept all her doc, appointments, took her meds, tried to find a job when she felt better and agreed to attend school regularly then we would get her a kitten. She agreed and 3 weeks ago we got the kitten.
All was going ok until today when she was meant to go for her induction day at new school. She refused point blank to go, I am a so so cross with her and part of the deal was that the kitten would go if she didn't keep her side of the deal.
I really don't know what to do, my mum thinks if the kitten go's then she may do something we all may regret (she has self harmed in the past), but I am sick of her having no respect for myself, dh or our other 2 dd's. She stays in bed most of the day, will not help out around the house etc.
Any ideas or advice would be great please. I just feel so sick about it all.

Regardless of what you think the deal was, threatening to, or actually following through on, getting rid of a pet as a punishment is beyond the pale.

Stop thinking of her as a stroppy child who can be punished into line and appreciate that she is having emotional / MH problems. She needs your support, not sanctions. If you are struggling maybe you need to speak to someone who can help you deal with what is bound to be a challenging situation for any parent.

I really feel for your DD. A Levels are stressful enough.
Please don't read this as a judging because it's not - it sounds like you're punishing her for how she's feeling with big ultimatums that will then make her feel ten times worse.
It's not the end of the world if she missed the induction day. She's probably feeling a bit rubbish about that.
Speak to her like an adult, not a child. What does she want? What does she think will help her with the transition into A Levels?

*judging, not a judging

Does she actually want to do A levels? Can you look at other options?

Don't get rid of the kitten.

The kitten would go where, exactly? It's a living being, not a toy that you can return to the shop.

I don't really understand why you are so cross with her when presumably her inability to go to the induction today was due to acute anxiety and depression? From what you've described, she is not very well at the moment. You seem to be treating her as though she's a lazy child who needs sanctions and a metaphorical boot up the bum, as opposed to a young adult having mental health issues?

I think you need to read up on social anxiety OP, your DD is not refusing to get a job or go to this induction out of lack of respect!

I am close to someone who suffered social anxiety, and she had good days and bad days. On a bad day she would be like your DD, refusing to leave the house, sometimes even unable to get out of bed. On good days she would still need to really push herself to do what we consider normal things like go to the shops.

I personally think she needs more than just meds, especially if she was bullied previously - I'm not surprised she's refused to go to be honest, it must be pretty scary starting fresh with that history!

It must be a tough situation all round so I'd see about some more support for you all from your GP.

Thanks for your replies, I totally understand where she's coming from. There is a big history of mental health problems in our family. I'm just feeling totally down about the situation. She refuses to speak to a counsellor.

she thought you'd get rid of her kitten and she still wouldn't go, you can see how serious this is right? If she could have gone she would have

She needs more support and so do you. Please don't threaten her like that again, it is not fair to her or to the kitten

Cats can live for 20 plus years.
They are a living and breathing animal and not a pawn in some kind of battle.
Poor kitten.
Maybe your daughter doesn't feel she wants to be at college.
She needs to go back to the GP and discuss further treatment options. CBT? Group or individual sessions.
But leave the kitten out of it.

I think you need to be more understanding of her mental health issues, especially if there is history of it in your family fgs

Living beings also are toys you can disgard of!!!

*arent

I think, first and foremost, reassure her that the kitten is staying, what ever happens. This is a relationship with a living creature, and may be of great comfort to her. Very much to be encouraged, in my opinion.

Hi maybe support her to go the doctors if she's refusing to go then go with or phone the gp over the phone and see what they say. Does your daughter suffer from anxiety? Xx

You cant dispense of a cat because she has been "naughty" that is unfair on her and cruel to the cat, I get you are at your wits end but she is 17 you need to listen to her she cant cope with school maybe change direction perhaps college would suit her better a pt course in something rather than A levels

Maybe she was traumatised by being badly bullied and is too scared to go to a school now. Could you look into counselling/therapy for that.

If I was in your position I would treat her and just take her out on a bonding day maybe get a wowcher for a spa then get your nails and hair done and just try and talk just as a friend more then a mum sometimes teenagers just shut down when a adult is talking to them and go into defence mode. Xx

Social anxiety will not be solved by threats, conjoling or bribery. Take a moment and do some research. Her anxiety is a real thing, and like any fear, she will need support, time understanding and perhaps professional support. I know it is difficult for you too, watching your dd stall and seemingly waste her life but baby steps are needed. Missing an induction day is no big deal. If she can get help over the summer then September is still possible. Alternatively how about inter high school, an online school which may help her move forward and do her a-levels whilst giving her the necessary space to deal with her anxiety.