Young love - How do boys think ?

[Flossiefoo]

Hi, my dd is 13 and has had a close friendship with a boy in her year for the past 6 months. Started as friends but has developed into a mutual 'very much liking each other'. The lad is about 6 months older than dd and has said some lovely things to dd throughout their friendship - they only see each other at school but in daily communication on Snapchat, Facetime etc.
When dd was having issues with other girls in her year (jealousy) he would look after her and text me so I knew what was going on as dd is very private. However these past few months things have gotten a little bit difficult for dd as she is really fond of him but he's been very mean verbally to her at times. He's told friends he's not a great boyfriend and I feel he's said these things to make dd not like him. He has grown an awful lot in the past few months and looks more mature so those lovely mums who have boys of the same age, here's a question for you .. Could a rush of testosterone hormones contribute towards him being moody, irrational and verbally sarcastic and aggressive towards my dd. DD is incredibly loyal and forgiving and say's 'he's a really good person mummy and there's something wrong as he's just not himself'. He is always sending dd photo's on snapchat and has been ok lately but has little outbursts. I'd just like to reassure dd.

Yes, the rush of testosterone could contribute towards him being moody, irrational and mean to your DD. But I think it's far more likely that it's because he really likes her too, but cannot (or will not) admit it.

That's what I have told dd. I think his feelings are quite strong so he's confused and frustrated and doesn't know how to handle them so he has started to try and push her away .. but then he can't quite distance himself.

I think it's strange he's texting you about her.

I also think telling your dd that boys will treat you badly because they like you is an awful awful idea.

Does he treat his friends like crap because of 'hormones' or is it just dd?

Do not make excuses for him treating her like crap. This relationship could set the precedent for future ones, and making excuses for being treated badly will do her long term self esteem no good.

I agree that it's strange that he's texting you about your DDs friendship issues. Sounds a bit intense and controlling IMO. If he's being moody and sarcastic with your DD she should ask him to stop and if he doesn't she needs to step away. It's really not ok to treat someone badly because you like them

Yes, at times to being rude to friends, not just dd. Teachers have also recognised he's not his usual chirpy self too.
Just to make it clear .. I have been very careful in how I approach this with dd. We are not making excuses for him but the behaviour has been out of character so we have have been concerned something is wrong. But having seen him close up recently he has changed a lot physically in a short period of time, hence my question re hormones. I am not telling dd it's OK for him to behave as he has done at times, it's unacceptable and should not be deemed normal BUT allowing room for understanding at such a critical age. They are going through huge physical and emotional changes and some children can cope, others deal with things in a different way.
He obviously cares for her as he was the one who alerted me to the girls bullying my dd. He and the other boys in her year were very supportive and it was one text to warn me what was going on and that dd had been upset at school. I think that's fairly credible.
Not having boys myself I thought I'd ask ...

Forgot to add, they have both given each other some breathing space and haven't talked during the evening. Some of the other boys in the year have had anger / frustration issues and have done some very silly things and I've noticed it's coincided with growth and maturing. As for girls, it comes out on an emotional and psychological level which can be very cruel !!!

I think it's nice you're trying to see it from his point of view, and yes physical changes could make things weird for him now.
BUT

Every boyfriend your daughter has from now on will have something Going on his life that's making things very hard for him. A parent dying, GCSEs, abuse, work, there will always be some outside influence and if the way they deal with it treating others like crap they are a no go area. I'd discourage any relationship until he gets his act together.

I was told by a youth football coach that the more rapid the puberty growth spurt, the more volatile the child will be emotionally. They look for it to weed out the (permanently) overly aggressive kids from the ones that are just temporarily struggling to control themselves.

DS1 has been 'slow and steady' so far growth-wise, and pretty good emotionally/behaviourally (touches wood).

Thanks all. DD is very sensible and we openly talk about lots of things. I'm not worried that she's too accepting to become a potential battered wife, she knows his behaviour is not right but also empathic enough to know it is not his normal behaviour and wants to help him. I think it too early to label the child anything but confused, frustrated and struggling a bit with his obvious surge in development. Hopefully over the summer hols things will settle for him and he'll get on an even keel.