Can't cope with behaviour

[burntoutmum]

Hi

Feel exhausted with DS's behaviour- he's 13 and to be honest has been like this for several years, it's just become scarier recently

DS has a massive problem with being told off / punished. He just won't tolerate it at all - well at home anyway.

An example was tonight

So DS and DS2 (8) were in the lounge. DS1 was annoying DS2 by flicking water at him. DS2 was calling him an idiot. DS1 snatched DS2's tablet away from him and stormed upstairs. DS2 was running after him. I went up to take the tablet away myself ( I wasn't happy with DS2 using idiot so it was being taken away as a punishment). DS1 refused to tell me where it was, so I told him that I was counting to five and if he didn't give me the tablet then I would be confiscating his PS4 - as a punishment for a) his behaviour initially and b) his refusal to cooperate.

He became very angry over the PS4 being taken away and physically fought to get it back. In the end we had to give in as he was hurting us both and was going to hurt himself. He's bigger than me now.

We just don't know what to do with him. He feels that we have no right to tell him off, punish him or anything.

At school he is a model student, extremely well behaved, polite and academic. Away from the arguments he seems happy, we have what I feel is a nice family life. Enjoy spending time together.

I just don't know what to do. It's got to change but I don't know how. I try talking to him when he's calm and he acknowledges that the behaviour is wrong but doesn't know ( or can't be bothered?) how to change it. I'm really frightened for the future. We walk on egg shells, really try to pick our battles.

I'm planning on asking school for help but he will go mad if I do as he'd feel it would ruin their opinion of him

I really need help, this can't carry on

Sounds like typical teen sibling stuff. . Blown out of proportion by you imo. If I stepped in every time my 2 were bickering I would need to employ a doorman. .

I'm not saying how your DS1 behaved was ok, but I am thinking always start with the easiest things to change which is what you do.

When DS1 refused to say where the tablet was, what did you do to escalate the situation? What alternatives did you have? Why not leave the tablet with him or tell him to not let DS2 have the tablet back until you said ok to have it back.

Don't resort to imposing your authority if there's another way.

otoh, why put all blame on DS2 when DS1 was deliberately provoking DS2? I'd want them both in trouble, they equally could have avoided trouble. Is your DS1 attention seeking from you, too?

Reading The Explosive Child is good for learning to choose your battles.

I was trying to get the tablet back as him having it was adding fuel to the fire. Also why should he be allowed to decide the punishments for his brother ( particularly when he won't accept any for himself!!) ?

That example was probably typical sibling problems but was just the one today, they vary massively and fights occur if we ever tell him off, for anything.

I'll have a look at that book, thanks!

Don't try to get the tablet/PS4 off them when they are in a rage, it can end in a struggle/tears. I wait til they are out at school and take it then for the allotted time. Or, say 'I need the tablet back, I expect you to return it by 8pm, if you don't, you'll lose another day on it' and keep calm. Don't get into physical fights with teenagers, just retreat then think how to get the same outcome but by different means.

Thanks Foureyes, I'll give it a try. I imagine it'll just delay the argument but maybe If he can't physically fight me for something ( as I won't be holding it etc) it may be better.

It's just so sad, I think we get on great normally, just after school today ( so only an hour before the argument) he came home very proud with himself as he had some great test results. I was very proud of him too and told him that and made a fuss of him because of it. It makes it even harder when we fight as we're actually really close. The fights really scare me but I'm so desperate to sort his attitude out. I feel like I've failed somewhere. It's also not fair on DS2 who has to witness it all.