19 year old son and failure to launch issues....

[wigglybeezer]

DS1 who is almost 19, has spent the last year preparing to join the Royal Navy, no burning desire to go to sea, but the recent adverts did a good job selling it as an opportunity, much better pay than would be available to him here as he failed rather spectacularly at high school and then couldn't cope with college either.

Well, he managed to get through 10 weeks of extremely challenging basic training but had a bit of a nervous breakdown about moving on to phase 2, apparently he hates it and is extremely homesick and he has reached his limit mentally and doesn't think he would cope with life at sea. He has stayed for another 2 weeks to humour us but is planning to resign next week.
I am gutted, thought he was sorted but it looks like we are starting over again.

He seems too fragile at the moment to get really tough with him and I always had slight reservations about his ability to cope anyway, so not a total shock.
He is going to struggle finding work round here and doesn't seem to know which direction to go in.

I am not really looking for advice just encouraging tales of teens who finally got there act together...

For further information, I think its time to get him properly assessed for ADHD, always wondered but waited to see if he grew out of it, howeveer this would mean he couldn't rejoin the armed forces if he changed his mind later.

Sorry for the length, I could write a book about DS1 and his travails

No shame in finding the Navy is not the right fit for you, must be quite common, better to find out now than later. If I were you I would suggest he comes home, tell him you expect him to get any old job (unless too ill to work) while he is thinking, but that this is fine. He is so young yet, plenty of time to find his feet; he just needs to avoid sinking into lethargy.

My dd is 20, who has physical and MH issues, has been living at home whilst waiting to get into HE, will be leaving in September having finally got in. We told she had to work and she found a waitressing job, has been paying a small percentage in rent. She has grown a lot in confidence over these 2 years and is ready for the next step now.

Our DS1, who is now almost 21, had mental health issues through 6th form and ended up repeating Year 12. He then became really ill in Year 13 with chronic depression. He really wasn't functioning and ended up not taking his A levels.

I was in despair as I couldn't envisage any sort of future for him. However, once he was no longer attending school he got a small, zero hours contract, job in retail. His confidence grew, his mental health problems resolved and he started doing really well. After a few months he moved to a customer service role with a large organisation which he loves. This is a "proper" job with training, regular hours, relatively good pay (£23k ) and he loves it. He is shortly moving into shared house. He has a good group of friends and an excellent social life.

Two years ago I could not have imagined this outcome. I really didn't believe anybody this would be possible. Especially as he had no qualifications apart from.GCSES

It sounds as though your ds hasn't found his "fit" yet. I don't know anything about the navy but I'm sure the Armed Forces don't suit everyone. My ds hadn't got a clue about a job but when he had been in retail a few months and said he wanted to do something different we talked to him about what aspects of the job he liked and didn't like. It turned out that what he liked best was helping customers to resolve any complaibts/issues which is why we helped hin to identify that customer service would be a good fit for him. Can you help your son identify what he does like about the navy as well as what he doesn't? Eg working in a team, or problem solving, or whatever. That way he can see the experience as positive even though he's moving on, and it will help him to identify possible next steps.

Good luck, I really hope things work out for him.

I don't think I'd bother finding out about the ADHD. Not now he's left school. I think finding out could do more harm than good

My son (now 21) has spent every year since he turned 12 'failing' something. He hasn't passed any academic courses since the new and has tried so many different options and dropped out of everything.

Until this year - he's half way through course at college that he loves. He's attended every single day, handed in all his assignments early and is doing really well.

If you'd have told me this 2 years ago I would have never, ever believed it.

Your son will find his place in the world, it'll probably suddenly click with him and there'll be no stopping him. I always told my son I genuinely didn't mind what he did, so long as he did something. We've gotten there now, but we had a long time of him not really doing anything.

Good luck to your son.

He will have picked up skills in that ten weeks like organisation. And usually the entry process is difficult and he got through that so dont despair .
My ds dropped out of school . Then went bach and got dreadful results due to absence. Began 3 courses and dropped out of each one.Did odd jobs but no focus. Eventually an old teacher said forget about jobs what would you most like to study. He picked an area that leads to few jobs but big interest of his. We hardly encouaged him as fed up but he went. Recently he achieved that degree and is accepted onto a grad programme . Its like a miracle. I havent even included half his difficulties.
If he was good enough to be accepted into the navy they saw something in him so trust that that will come out. Try not to overreact to him leaving ass they hate being a disaappointment.

My brother was in the navy for some 15 years. It's a very tough life and if your son thinks he can't handle life at sea then I say listen to him and let it be. The training will have done him a lot of good in many ways, he can now use those skills to move forward with whatever else he decides to do.

"don't think I'd bother finding out about the ADHD. Not now he's left school. I think finding out could do more harm than good"

I disagree with this. If he does have ADHD, having confirmation of this which allows him to know and understand himself could be the making of him. ADHD doesn't stop once you've left school, but feeling different and not being able to put a name to that can cause cracking self esteem issues. It might be worth starting a thread to ask for experiences of adult ADHD diagnoses, I've come across a few, all positive.
You need to talk to him though about what he wants long term. It could be that what he's done so far has put him off the armed forces anyway, plus if he does have ADHD, military life may be very difficult.

Has he considered uniformed services college course?

Sorry for not getting back sooner, kept busy to distract myself from the waiting! Thanks for all your stories, DS1 has revealed more details of what is bothering him, as well as being homesick he is finding it very difficult to be around his mess-mates 24/7. It's causing him to withdraw from them and his undoubted shyness is turning into social anxiety. The need for peace and quiet is not really compatible with life on a ship, so I have reluctantly agreed that leaving is probably the best thing.
He is willing to take any old job after previously being too fussy for some.
It's also amazed me how many people have told me tales of offspring not coping with leaving home at 18, it has made me feel much better ( although sorry for the young people).

Have you posted about this before ?

I can't remember, I have posted a lot about DS1 and all his dramas over the years, googling for advice about how to better parent him was how I came across Mumsnet in the first place. Unless you know me in real life or hang out on Navy net!

maitlandgirl I'm wondering if you could possibly say what course your DS is now doing? I've been cinsidering telling my own todo something he loves but fear that it's just going to encourage his "love" of online gaming.

Oh he's only 19, most of us don't know who we are at that age. It wasn't until I was much older that I knew what I wanted to be doing. Tried a lot of different things in my 20s then settled into my real career in my 30s. There's nothing wrong with trying something and finding it's not for you- better to know that and look for something else than to waste years sticking with something you hate.