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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Mixed sleepovers at parties

18 replies

tactum · 22/06/2017 08:38

DD 14. Has just started having mixed sex parties and has been invited to one soon where they are all invited to stay over - 14ish of them. Have had assurances boys will be in one room, girls in another. At this stage of her life I don't seriously think they will be having sex - they seem a young group for their age - and strongly suspect a high level of adult supervision. I do, however, have a fairly good idea that some of the boys at least will be looking to drink alcohol. DD has turned down the chance to taste alcohol at home and has an aversion to fizzy drinks, but obviously wouldn't necessarily want to stand out as being different if everyone else was.

WWYD? I'm not toooo concerned now but am worried about agreeing to something which in a year or so I wouldn't be comfortable with as their relationships develop. At the moment there are a few 'couples' but they still seem mainly relationships which are confined to school rather than proper dating.

I do trust DD and she is sensible, so I don't want to react like she can't be trusted but I'm just struggling with it a bit! Any views?

OP posts:

Badbadbunny · 22/06/2017 20:01

Have had assurances boys will be in one room, girls in another

I think you're being naive if you believe that. Some 14 year olds are sexually active and there'll be some sex at a mixed party unless they are properly supervised (i.e. at least 2 responsible adults "policing" the house properly. Your DD may not partake, but it's highly likely she'll she sexual activity.

SummerKelly · 22/06/2017 20:05

My DD 14 asked for a mixed sleepover and I said absolutely no way! I know some of her friends have camped out with boys whilst telling their parents they were somewhere else. I would say no to this unless I was really sure that they were properly separated, though I can't see how that would happen unless they were locked in or someone stayed up all night. I'm otherwise quite a slack parent!

Puzzledmum · 25/06/2017 17:45

My one rule has been "no mixed sleepovers" and it has worked well so far. If you allow at 14, it will be impossible to revert your decision later.

NoLoveofMine · 25/06/2017 18:08

there'll be some sex at a mixed party unless they are properly supervised

Whilst I've no doubt it can and does happen it's by no means inevitable. i didn't go to one gathering/party at 14 at which there was any sex.

My one rule has been "no mixed sleepovers" and it has worked well so far.

Doesn't this have the potential to prevent girls and boys becoming close enough friends to stay over at one another's houses? Friendships shouldn't be confined to people of the same sex.

NoLoveofMine · 25/06/2017 18:10

I feel banning mixed sex sleepovers if anything could suggest girls and boys can't have platonic relationships with one another and could promote the idea that once they're able to spend the night somewhere where the other sex is present then it'd be for sex.

Puzzledmum · 28/06/2017 13:33

I feel it is inappropriate for girls and boys to sleep in the same room at this stage (between 12-16 years predominantly). There are instances when the boys bragged about that such and such girl stayed over at theirs and they have done things with her. This gives girls very bad name and can ruin their reputation at school. I'd rather be safe than sorry particularly with the above mentioned age group. After 16, it is legal for them to have sex, if they so wish and they are more mature then, so can handle a situation that might arise better. That is just my opinion.My DD has friends who are boys and not staying over at their houses has not prevented her from having a platonic relationship with any of them.

leonardthelemming · 28/06/2017 15:06

I don't want to react like she can't be trusted

I think you have hit the nail on the head here. Has she ever done anything to make you doubt her? At 14 she should be trusted, and in particular she needs to be trusted to make her own decisions. She seems to have decided she wants to go. Let that be her decision to make, but reassure her you will be there for her if she changes her mind and wants to leave early.

I really don't think you have anything to worry about, though. I can come back with my reasons if you are interested but I don't want to make this a long post.

NoLoveofMine · 28/06/2017 18:17

There are instances when the boys bragged about that such and such girl stayed over at theirs and they have done things with her. This gives girls very bad name and can ruin their reputation at school.

This is an issue in itself. The boys who did this should be taught to have more respect for girls and also questioned as to why it's shameful for the girl to have done these things (if they actually did) and her reputation is ruined but theirs is enhanced; how the same act if it happened results in a boy bragging and the girl having her reputation ruined.

BackforGood · 28/06/2017 18:35

I agree with Noloveofmine :

there'll be some sex at a mixed party unless they are properly supervised

Whilst I've no doubt it can and does happen it's by no means inevitable. i didn't go to one gathering/party at 14 at which there was any sex.

rather than badbadbunny :
I think you're being naive if you believe that. Some 14 year olds are sexually active and there'll be some sex at a mixed party unless they are properly supervised (i.e. at least 2 responsible adults "policing" the house properly. Your DD may not partake, but it's highly likely she'll she sexual activity.

Yes, there are some 14 yr olds who are sexually active, but there are a whole heap more who aren't. You seem to be dragging all 14 yr olds down to the lowest common denominator.

I've had enough chats with my own (now 21, 18 and 15 yr olds) to know what their reaction would be to your accusation babbadbunny.

NoLoveofMine · 28/06/2017 18:42

Indeed BackforGood. Sex certainly wasn't on the agenda for myself or any of my friends when we were 14 (and we went to plenty of gatherings and parties). With the kind of group the OP's daughter is in I'd expect it'd be much the same as my and your children's experiences at the party she's talking of.

TealStar · 28/06/2017 18:44

My 13 yr old dd has a mixed sleepover coming up. I happen to know that the kids who will be there are really good kids who she has been friends with since nursery and that parents will be keeping and eye and an ear out. I trust my dd not to get up to any hanky panky because she is just not like that, (even if she did she'd probably be traumatised if she so much as kissed a boy!) so I am trusting her. I have made it v clear to her that one of the reasons I'm letting her go is because I a) know he parents and the other kids who are going to be there and b) she is not sexually active yet and while inmay be ok with it this summer I may not be in a couple of years' time.
We've been v open; I do trust her to be platonic friends with boys.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/06/2017 19:01

Ours have always done mixed sleepovers, it's not something I have an issue with.

2014newme · 28/06/2017 19:04

Of course sexual relations will take place. Don't be naive.

alpacasandwich · 28/06/2017 19:08

I'd be more concerned about the alcohol, as she won't know her limits and it's likely to be mixed with something to make it taste nice. That can have potentially serious consequences.

The sex, I can't get worked up about. My first underage sexual experience was with a female friend anyway, so the palaver about mixed sex parties does amuse me a bit.

YouRockMyWorld · 28/06/2017 19:22

My DD (14) has a best friend ...14yr old boy who regularly sleeps over at ours. They have separate rooms and she knows that I trust her not to do anything stupid (not that she would). To be honest, all they’re interested in, is playing on the PlayStation and riding on their longboards.
It really doesn’t bother me.
I kinda think that the more trust I have in her and she knows that, the less likely she will be to rebel against anything.

KimmySchmidt1 · 28/06/2017 22:58

It's one thing having a boy who you know and trust to stayatyourhouse inaseparate room. It's quite another to let your daughter go off to a mass mixed sex sleepover. Absolutely no way whatsoever. I am 35 and I have never been to such an event even as an adult for Christ sakes!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 28/06/2017 23:02

My friend used to host mixed sex sleepovers when we were teens. There was no hanky panky, but then most of the boys in our friendship group came out later on, so we were not of any interest to them!

queenofthedump · 28/06/2017 23:18

If she's a sensible girl, do you think she might be secretly hoping that you will say no?

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