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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

refusing contact

3 replies

usernameunderreview · 21/06/2017 22:50

My 15 year old tonight told me he no longer wants to visit his father. He has mild ASD, he doesn't act like a NT teenager - no moodswings, does as he is told, tidy room, fun to spend time with, doesn't go out with mates or even txt etc.

He only sees him for a couple of hours a week due to past violence and anger issues. Visits recently have been cancelled mostly by his dad for a number of silly reasons and DS has said he doesn't believe the reasons he's being told. When I asked why he doesn't want to go he said he doesn't feel like he's his dad anymore, that he acts like a stranger and many of the aspects of his personality have changed. Dad has had a new partner for just over a year now with a child from a previous relationship. That child is calling him dad. DS says he just feels like when he's there he is just tagging along with their lives and they'd be happier if he wasn't there.

I've told him we will wait a few weeks and see how he goes, see if the feelings go away or get stronger. I explained I want him to have a relationship with his dad as I feel it's important for children to have both parents in their lives, that it's good to have a male influence in your life and because I didn't have a dad growing up which hurts. But I said I will love and support him no matter what decision he makes.

I don't know what else to do to encourage him to go to visit. I don't want to force him to go. I wouldn't even know how to stop the contact so his dad doesn't kick off.

Any advice either way please?

OP posts:
Mumteadumpty · 22/06/2017 22:11

Would it be possible to have a conversation so that his father is aware of what is happening? I am imagining a scenario where your DS is trailing along behind everyone, his behaviour is being interpreted as sulky teenage moodiness, and ending up with all concerned being unhappy.
His Dad needs to spend some quality time with his son to maintain the relationship, is that possible?

libbyliz83 · 23/06/2017 17:23

I think it sounds like you're doing the right thing by encouraging him to go and saying you will wait and see if he changes his mind. You've given him the option of keeping the relationship open rather than stopping it completly like I'm sure some mums would.

Iluvthe80s · 25/06/2017 09:35

Sounds like you are handling it very sensitively. He is 15 now, on the cusp of becoming a young man, so able to make some choices for himself. You mention that the father's excuses for not seeing DS seem silly and your son clearly shares your view on this, hence why he is reticent to see him.

Supporting him to continue seeing him, should he wish is all you can do. You are listening to his concerns and taking them on board, while also presenting your view. Are you able to speak to his Dad, to let him know how he is feeling, or would that poor oil on troubled waters? As Mumteadumpty says, could his Dad spend 2 hours with him on their own doing something together, so he feels he has 100% of his attention?

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your DS!

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