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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen "brat camp"

27 replies

lilybetsy · 21/06/2017 09:07

Anyone sent their teen/ investigated / Knows anyone who"s done this?

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
Biscusting · 21/06/2017 09:10

I thought it was more of an American thing done for TV shows.

Surely a camp can't change behaviour? Also it seems to point a sense of blame on the child and where is the parents role in it??
I also think, label them as a 'brat' and a brat you will get.

BandeauSally · 21/06/2017 09:16

If you have a teen "brat" then you have a family dynamic problem. The teen didn't get that way on their own and won't be fixed by being sent away for a fortnight. The family as a unit needs support to address the issues together. It really won't be as simple as a teen has suddenly decided to be a brat.

CrazedZombie · 21/06/2017 09:53

I agree with the above. If you watch Supernanny it's often the parents who have to change rather than the kids.

AliceTown · 21/06/2017 09:56

Absolutely agree with Bandeau.
Have you tried family therapy?

Quadrangle · 21/06/2017 09:58

I agree with the other posters

Original poster
lilybetsy · 21/06/2017 11:38

I do understand what you are saying, I am a singer parent and I am at my wits end with ds1. He quit school with no qualification, he will not work, he gets jobs and quiteps that 2 weeks later. He steals from me ( goes through my drawers to find items of value) and his brothers, he is dirty, lasy and disrespectful he leaves his weed about the place ( where his 12 year old brother is exposed to it) cleans nothing to the point that mould grows on plates on his room, . He Now has no priveledges, no money from me ( he should be working) no phone. He lives under my roof obviously. He lies constantly, if I ask him if he has taken the dogs out he says yes, but he has not,

I have tried so hard, I have a FT job, ( I have had to as the boys father does not support them) two younger children and a hone to rum. His father is a drug addict and worse than, useless

We tried family therapy.

I cannot take any more. I carry my purse to the loo. I don't believe a word he says, he is just a compulsive liar and thief. This has been ongoing since aged 12' he has been expelled from school, banned from friends houses , lost friends,,, but still he does it

You tell me how to help. I am desperate.

OP posts:
Biscusting · 21/06/2017 11:46

That sounds unbearably tough OP. How old is he?

Brat camp may not be the answer but other positive reinforcement type activities could be?

AliceTown · 21/06/2017 11:54

What happened at family therapy?

The situation sounds incredibly difficult and can really understand how you've reached this point. How old is he?

BandeauSally · 21/06/2017 12:11

Oh that's awful Op! How old is he? Are social services involves? I am guessing so. What about cahms?

SealSong · 21/06/2017 12:16

Bandeau, CAMHS is for mental illness not behaviour problems.

OP, I'd suggest contacting your local children's services and asking about family support services. A family support worker may be what you need.

AliceTown · 21/06/2017 12:31

CAMHS do work with behaviour problems - mental health difficulties in children often manifest as "behaviour problems".

BandeauSally · 21/06/2017 12:36

I think a teen who is acting out as badly as this from the age of 12 sounds like they have a mental health issue, it is definitely the first thing I would be investigating tbh before trying to fix the behaviours.

BandeauSally · 21/06/2017 12:37

And yes, I know cahms is for mental illness, that's why I asked if they were involved.

Original poster
lilybetsy · 21/06/2017 22:59

He is 18. No one is interested because he is 18. If I kick him out, he will go to my 80 year old mother , and thevstress will probably kill her.

I thought about this

venturemor.co.uk/wilderness-therapy-scotland-uk.php

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 21/06/2017 23:07

Would he go to it? It's £5k!! Have you got that sort of money?

AliceTown · 22/06/2017 09:02

Would he go voluntarily?
What happened before with the family therapy?

Original poster
lilybetsy · 22/06/2017 10:56

I can borrow £5K I'm desperate. I don't think you can imagine unless you've lived it how souls destroying it is having to take your handbag with you t the loo in case your child steals from you. Or how the lies and lack of trust rip a family to pieces

The family therapy was too short. 4 sessions. Just skimmed the surface. He as under CAMHS for years. they tried but made no impact on his theft, he was expelled from school because of it.

Its the whole package of a child - because although he's 18, he is not mature, with no direction, no self respect, no respect for anyone else. He's unhappy but wont take advice or help from me / family. He loves me, and I love him, but we are lost and cant find a way through

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 22/06/2017 11:01

Does he want to get help? Will he agree to go? If not then there is nothing you can do to force him.

Original poster
lilybetsy · 22/06/2017 13:27

He wants things to be better. He's lost, like a child in an adults body. He's impulsive, lazy and selfish ( like many teens) but add to that his complete refusal to take school seriously - his inability to recognise the consequences of that ie he has limited job opportunities in jobs he hates being ordered around by people who are not as intelligent has him, with no flexibility and for a low wage .... I did of course tell him ALL this whilst he did NO school work, but he wouldn't listen.
he has no self respect. And no respect for others I don't know hay. he has no integrity. again I don't know why. I think if offered he will go as this is a real low point in his like. Its either something drastic or he will end up in prison for stealing something /

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 22/06/2017 13:35

That's good! If he wants to change things. So if he has no GCSEs he would probably qualify for some key skills courses or GCSE courses at FE college. Would he do that?

If you think he would go on the camp then offer it to him, but let him know that you are taking on £5k debt in order for him to do it. And tbh, I would be telling him that he has 1 month after he comes back from it to either get a job or enroll in a FE course or he would be out of the house and under no circumstances is he to go near your mum. It's a really horrible situation but it's at crisis point. He is now an adult man and has to make a decision about whether he turns it around or goes off and takes his bad behaviour elsewhere. You can't go on like this.

Original poster
lilybetsy · 22/06/2017 14:35

He has completely refused to engage with college at ALL. Not only academic courses like GCSE resits, but practical qualifications, plumbing / car mechanics/ building. Im hoping that a wake up call may come alone.

After the three week wilderness therapy things ( probably a better name than Brat Camp) Im planning to send him away to do voluntary work oversees eg bulding wells in Nepal / schools in Ghana, marine conservation on Madagascar.. There are thousands of options. I am intending that he goes away for 6 moths - no opportunity to live like a pig, smoke weed, no internet ( or limited) no running hot an cold water and hard work. I hope this will make him grow up, appreciate what he has and realise that for 98% of the world the opportunities are not to doss about contributing nothing and expecting he can steal to fund his lifestyle.

My brother has offered to help with the finances ( bless him) and is on board to support me, because this is one of those times when being a single parent is very hard.

its crunch time really. He has a good brain, underneath he has a kind heart and many many good qualities, They are being lost in a haze of marijuhana and a mother who has been too understanding an too supportive over the years.

Thank you for not telling me I'm a shit mother for doing this, I know I have played my part in him being this way, I wish I had been at home more, but I have to work to support my family as the boys father contributes nothing. he has them for a couple of hours a week and offers no practical, emotional or financial support, Indeed he spends his time telling the children what a shit mother I am.

The boy is lost. and has not the will power or strength of character to do what is right, or anything that Is difficult. ... so I have to try

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 22/06/2017 15:23

You are absolutely not a shit mother! You're at your wits end and your handling at alone! Also, do not under estimate the impact his father will be having on him. His father's drug use, and attitude to life and to you will have been absorbed by your son. It is a lot easier to follow the easy, lazy drug lifestyle than it is to do what your mother tells you and work hard on school. You were up against it from the start. His father bears a lot of responsibility too for what has happened with his son. Though mother of them may ever admit or acknowledge it.

If you can get him in the camp and then into the volunteering work then that would be fantastic for him. I really hope he will agree to it.

You need to think about what happens if he doesn't go though. You can't go on like this and he can't foist himself on your mother. That is just not an option. What will you do if he won't agree to go?

Original poster
lilybetsy · 22/06/2017 20:50

I don't know. I really don't know. I can't see any other option...

OP posts:
Blanketdog · 23/06/2017 08:43

I think it will help to be surrounded by positive influences.

Original poster
lilybetsy · 24/06/2017 14:17

We had a very good chat last night - until 2am. He has agreed to go to Wilderness camp, and to the plan for 6 months abroad.

I feel more optimistic, and as though there is some kind of plan in place

OP posts:
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