Inviting a friend to live with us

[padu]

I'd be grateful to know what anyone thinks about this. My youngest son's friend's family have been having problems with the stepfather and I told his mother that if things got really bad at home then the boy could come and live with us with me and both my sons(they are 18 and 16) so that he could carry on studying his GCSEs in peace. Things are pretty bad now and today the boy would like to come right away. I have suggested Easter, mainly to sort out the practicalities of sorting out my son's room so that they can share and to get my older son used to the idea. He is studying very hard for A2s and is not very happy about having someone else in the house, although I think as he will have to get used to living with new people when he goes to uni, maybe it will be a good thing for him to learn to adjust to other people. I have made it plain that I expect exemplary behaviour from youngest son and his friend and that studying comes first as they are so near their GCSEs. The friend is an intelligent, thoughtful and well-mannered boy, by the way. I want to be fair to everyone. I guess I am mainly worried about the older boy, who is sulking and swearing a bit and has thrown a cup against the wall in his room this evening. Do you think I am doing the right thing?

I would have discussed it with the boys before offering the friend a place to live. My DD is 16, GCSE's this year, and has enough to deal with without introducing someone else into the house.

I do feel for your older son. It's not his friend, so he prob feels very left out. His brother will have a friend & your attention will be further diverted.

I think you are well motivated, and I truly hope it works, but I personally would not do this to my kids at this stage in their education unless it was a family emergency (nephew/niece etc involved).

I think you need to speak to your oldest son and discuss his feelings re this.
In reality it may mean very little difference to his life eg: the visitor will be out at school all day, and probably out with friends or visiting his family at the weekends - but he may be anticipating that it will have a massive impact.
I think you are offering to do a very kind thing, but I too think I would have discussed this with the entire family before making an offer.
I hope you come up with an arrangement that makes you all happy.

Thanks for your replies, they have been so useful. I apologised to my os for blundering; I told him that I definitely should have discussed this with him before - he agreed and said that he couldn't very well say no once I had made the offer. He was extremely mature about it and said that it wouldn't make much difference to him (all three boys are studious and there shouldn't be much at all in the way of disruption or noise) but he said that he felt wary about interfering in other people's family life. It is a really good point. I don't know the family very well and I don't want to be involved in their problems, just to offer some help to a very nice boy - he has stayed over with us quite a few times and we have all got on well. This has made me feel a bit out of my depth (and a bit stupid) and I hope I am doing the right thing for us all. Thanks again for your input.

What an insightful lovely boy you have....! he has said what I would have posted!

I would be very wary of being involved in someone elses problems tbh. Whilst I like to think I would do all I could to help, you can sometimes get dragged in to others problems...

I have to say my DD1 would go beserk if my DD2 had a friend to stay in these circumstances. She would want us to help but not to the extent of having someone living with us...!

You would also need to inform social services if a child came to live with you that wasn't your own. They look on it as a private fostering arrangement but they still do background checks etc