At my wits end with DD

[Heidi82]

Hi my DD is 15 - 16 in September. She has shown untrustworthy behaviour for around the past 18 months in the form of being impossible to contact once she goes out, not answering the phone and not being at pick up places. We live very rurally on a farm so have to drive her at least 30 minutes to her closest friends and so give her a 10pm curfew on Saturday nights as it's an hour round trip for us to collect her. We've tried allowing her to catch the train home ( daylight hours only) but she 'conveniently' missed it to give herself extra time. Anyway she's recently decided to treat us like fools by going out then a while later asking to sleep out at friends houses (basically so that she isn't being collected and can get up to whatever she pleases) and 2 weeks ago she was dropped off at her friends then an hour later contacted us to ask to stay at a different friends house to the girl she met up with. This girls mother is someone who we have known and trusted for years so we called her and she was fine with it but had chemo in the morning for 9:30am so we messaged DD telling her to be back at the house on time and not to be difficult for the mum. Sadly DD took the absolute piss and ditched the friend, went off with a boy and was at his house until the mum who was looking after her found her at 2:30am (she was obviously beside herself with worry and called me but I'd put my phone in an area the signal was too weak to connect) so as you can imagine we were very let down and confused as to why our child had done that knowing full well the woman is very ill who was in charge of her but even if she hadn't been ill it is not someone else's place to be out searching the streets for our child in the middle of the night. So we punished her, after much talking and trying too make sense of her actions we grounded her and took her iPhone away. Two nights later she decided to find any medication she could in the house and attempted an overdose!!! We found her, took her to hospital and after treatment plus talking to lots of doctors she was booked in for regular therapy sessions which reveal no dark rooted problems or reasons, just that she wasn't happy to be grounded plus the friend she left to go off with the boy that night was mad with her so she felt guilty and decided to end her life. Tonight after seeing improvement in her state of mind and lots of talking about what happened plus involving her school for their support we let her out and got the usual ' can I sleep out' request, at a girls house who's name we don't recognise. Answer was no! And my husband went to collect her for 10am at the place we arranged to pick her up. Well she's not there and not answering her phone!! Im losing the will to live and lost for solutions to this behaviour. Husband has just found her at a park and bring her home but I really don't know to deal with this!!

Hello sorry to hear you're having such awful problems. Have you got the book Get Out of my life but take me and Alex into town first? It is really helpful and gives lots of useful insights into why teenagers behave the way they do. Hopefully someone will come along with some wise advice.

Ok I think your dd is acting quite impulsively as many a teen can do and because she really wants to take a particular course of action she is doing what she wants to do and then dealing with the consequences afterwards. We had this on a more minor scale with our dd. My dh quickly worked out we had to make the consequences so serious that she would not carry out the behaviours. You will need to work out what that is - loss of movie phone, no internet access, no lifts anywhere. But it has to be fairly severe for the reasons just stated.

Mobile ohone

I think that your dd is desperately screaming for independence, she's trying to send you the message that you don't and can't control her. And to an extent she's right. Punishing her will not help - it will only make her even more determined to get away from you.
You probably need to change your style of parenting because that is the one thing within your control. Teen parenting books help you change gear and modify your behaviour so that you learn not to inflame the situation by being too heavy handed and treating your teen like a toddler, even though it feels like they often behave like one! Try "Get Out of my life but take me and Alex into town first" and

"How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk"

@Blanketdog makes a good point. And of course, your DD is only a few months short of 16 - at which point she can leave home for good if she wants to.
She probably doesn't want to (and I'm sure you don't want her to) but she may decide it's the only option if you resort to the type of sanctions that might have been appropriate a few years ago (but possibly not even then).
Have an adult conversation with her and see if you can come to some sort of compromise.

You could try love bombing to get your relationship back on track....you let your dd decide what you are going to do for a day together - make it a few hours if a day seems too much. During this time your dd takes control - you must not criticise, try to manipulate etc unless her safety is in question. You do this to bring back the trust she has in you and your relationship together. Google it...it works wonders with my teens, when I feel our relationship is starting to slip.....it really reminds you of that deep connection, they and you feel loved again. You may need to do it more frequently at the beginning to get things back to normal.

It does sound like the relationship is very off track.

Can you pin point when things started to go off track and then think about if there is anything you stopped doing or started doing about that time?

I had a terrible relationship with my parents during this phase in my life and they repeatedly blame me telling people I was a nightmare child etc. But they never stopped to think about why and the issue was my life was very difficult at that time. They never spent any 1-on-1 time, never took any interest in my life, we never had family dinners, never had any sort of family time, didn't speak to me about the challenges/pressures teenagers face, didn't take any interest in my schooling or friendships so they didn't realise I was struggling a lot, didn't do much about an older sibling bullying/hitting me. To this day they still tell anyone who will listen about what an awful teenager I was, when really I was struggling to cope and needed help and support.

Not saying this is the situation here, but rather than coming on for advice on how to deal with her bad behaviour, maybe have a think about how your own behaviour has shaped this situation and think about what a typical week looks like in your daughters life, and focus on trying to build a healthy relationship with her.

If you don't I fear you will probably lose any hope of a good relationship with her as an adult.

Keep loving her, hug her, tell her often. She will come through. My DD was like this last year, she came through it and now realises that those she was hanging around with are not the best role models. I'm so glad we stuck to our guns and enforced our rules. They do make you question your judgement but stick to your instincts. Your demands are reasonable.

raisingchildren.net.au/articles/disrespectful_behaviour_teenagers.html/context/1092

Helpful article. You are not alone OP.

This will just end up in a battle of wills and constant arguing. DD was exactly the same I backed right off but put a few rules in place. Easy ish rules she could sleep at people's houses as long as I could check with parents and text me an address. Curfew was much more flexible but if later than 11 had to pay for a taxi home unless pre arranged with me. She didn't even bother Testing it and has been in by the original curfew she fought against as doesn't want to spend her own cash on taxis. When she does play by the rules show your happy.

I'm in a similar toned down situation with my daughter who is 13 and pushing every boundary, we also live rurally but have lived in town before where she would just go round to a friends with no planning beforehand. She really misses this and I'm satan for making the family move into the country.
Her attitude at the moment is awful and it seems like she can hardly bring her self to speak to me sometimes.
I've bent over backwards offering lifts but can't and won't do them every night of the week.
I can see myself being in exactly your position in a year or so

It is reassuring to hear others in a similar situation.Exam leave here. I received an aggressive text at work today demanding to know why I hadn't bought granola AGAIN!!! I then traipsed around a boiling town centre collecting correct bra for prom dress and returning an unwanted prom dress(one of 5) via post office. Got home and handed over said bra and was greeted with grunt and a complaint that she didn't want padded!! Deep breaths everyone.

Quick update, DD is in the kitchen cooking dinner!!! Yes I did say that, she offered!!!!