transvestism

[humblesims]

My lovely beautiful 18 yr old DS has sent me an email with a link to a dress on amazon with the message title 'deep breath...i'd like to try this'
I have had a quick chat with him about it and he says its something he has been thinking about for quite a while. He's finding it hard to put into words what he feels about it. We talked briefly (its only 7am!) about gender and sexuality and he feels that although he doesnt really have a set sexual preference (and no sexual experience) that he is most likely heterosexual. I know that sexuality and gender identity are not the same thing and that gender identity is a much more fluid thing than it used to be (but I'm in my fifties and not as up to speed as I might be!). From the short initial convo I've just had with him I sense he may be thinking about experimenting with transvestism. Or that he wishes it was easier to consider it. At this stage I've just said that I'm glad he is able to talk to me about it (even though his thinking is vague - or he finds it hard to put things into words - understandably for an 18yr old lad!). Anyway, I just wondered if anyone had any initial advice? I have no problems at all with whatever inclinations he has (as long as they are legal and dont harm others) and am happy that he feels able to come to me. Do I suggest he tries the dress? Or any dress? Or just watch from the sidelines and let him get on with it sort of thing? So as not to drip feed; he came to me once when he was much younger (9 or ten) upset because he was confused because he wondered what it was like to wear a dress. It was a short outburst that I dealt with at the time using the 'its fine to be curious about these things and dont be upset' routine. He never mentioned it again until now. I cant imagine him going out into the world wearing womens cloths but at the same time I want him to feel able to do what he wants. Sorry to waffle on, its all a bit new for this early in the morning.

First of all, I think you're a wonderful mother. It's obvious your love for him transcends any issue he might be dealing with. Your boy is so lucky to have you as his mum. I think you should continue to support him even though it may seem confusing and hard to grasp, and there is nothing wrong to admit you don't always understand what he's thinking or feeling. Just continue to love him.

Thanks for the kind words. The dress is on order. It is a brave new world and I am on day one. I'll always love him and that will never change. The rest of the world? ....who knows.

No specific advice but just wanted to say you sound like an amazing parent. You will never regret being there to love and support your child through times of change, experimentation and growth, no matter what these times look like.

Well done for showing your support you sound like a great mum.
I am going through the same thing with my son, as with yours he had been doing this on and off through his childhood but I thought he had grown out of it.
It all came to a head maybe a year ago when I found some things on his bedroom floor, I still think that was his way of asking for support/approval.
To cut a long story short we had a very long chat via text as it seemed it was easier for him to chat in that way.
We had a light hearted online shopping session which was fun and broke the ice, I also went out and bought a few bits for him really just to show I was ok with it.
Its not easy and at times there is embarrassment on both sides, it took a long time before it all seemed "normal" and also a long time before he was comfortable dressing in my company but we got there in the end.
Everyone is different of course and your experiences are no doubt going to be different to mine.

Good luck going forward

Thanks Scooter its good to know there are other people out there going through this.
How old is your DS? Does he go out in womens clothes or just at home? I know its kind of early days for me with this. He has ordered the dress (had already worked out the best size option and also ordered a pair of tights so definitely thought about things. But interestingly no shoes and says he's not too bothered about them).
I think this is going to be a steep learning curve for me and his Dad (who is also aware and supportive). I dont know whether to offer him some of my clothes to try (I wouldnt have been seed dead in my mums clothes). The dress he has chosen is going to look very odd (for more than just the obvious reasons!) because its quite short and he is over six foot. He's right in the middle of his flipping A levels too and probably leaving for uni in October.

Your welcome I am happy to share my experiences and advice where I can.
My son is 16 but this all came to a head when he was almost 15 as i said though it was not a great surprise as this has been going on since he was very young.
I guess at 18 you do not have so much control about how and when he dresses, it sounds like he needs your guidance though so if you are comfortable doing so try the online shopping session it really worked for us and as I said really broke the ice.
Maybe you could buy him a gift, something like pyjamas, slippers something low key like that.
He has a slightly older sister so tends to beg borrow or steal clothes that she no longer wants rather than my own.
He is free to dress in the evenings or weekends if we do not have company or plans, you definitely need firm ground rules its a bit like letting the genie out of the bottle.

Since he has turned 16 I have let him dress outside of the house on two occasions both whilst we were on holiday, he is very natural though so its easy at the moment but I would never allow him out on his own.
All I can say is that he is so much happier and confident these days I really have no regrets in supporting him.

Thanks, I'll suggest helping him buy a few things. A small gift is a lovely idea too, it must have been hard for him to tell me. Does your DS prefer particularly 'girly' clothes or more boyish girls clothes? Do you try and guide him towards less girly dresses or do you give him free rein? Dont even know what I mean! Do his friends know? Does he have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Does it worry him what other people will think or is he confident enough to 'carry it off'? Sorry so many questions.

I agree, I am sure its not an easy thing for any young man to share, perhaps a little easier these days though. He must have been relieved at your positive reaction. How is his dad dealing with it?
My son is a "girly girl" he likes the normal kind of fashion nothing to outrageous. He doesn't have free rein though but as he is only 16 most of his wardrobe is hand me downs or things that I pay for so its easy to keep control.
No one knows outside of immediate family I think its important that he has control over who knows we are both happy that it stays private for the time being.
He is very confident when dressed, more so than in normal life, he looks very natural so I guess that helps.
Is your son moving away for uni?

If he gets his firm choice grades he will move away but insurance choice is in a nearby city. I secretly hope he gets his insurance. His Dad is trying to get his head round it the same as me. He's a great dad and I couldnt wish for my DC's to have a more kind and understanding father. He is worried of course about what problems he might encounter in the wider world but as i have said before its all very new for us. He will certainly support DS. We are both very tolerant people without prejudice. He has a younger brother taking GCSEs at the moment too so its all go round here! My main concern at this point in time is to get him through the next couple of weeks of exams before we dig down too deep. Which actually gives me time to let things settle a bit in my own head. Thanks again Scooter

Probably a very good idea to get through the exams first yes.
If I can ever be of any help, if you just need to talk something over or just vent please feel free to drop me a message. I am no expert but happy to share my experiences.

It is great to hear that you are so open minded and showing support. The world for teenagers today is much different than when we were that age and many barriers and stigma to people exploring and being themselves have been much reduced. Just think about society's treatment of homosexuality back then! For today's teenagers exploring their sexuality is nothing like as unusual as it was when we were that age but exploring their gender is much less common. In my experience most people are not negative to gender experimentation but just don't have a good understanding.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things; supporting him, talking to him and being open. He is probably scared because he does not understand himself yet. Having a safe place to be and people that don't judge will really allow him to explore. This thing may or may not develop but if it does it may really hurt him if he feels he has to hide a part of himself from those he loves most. Perhaps you saw a similar situation back in our day when gay teenagers hid and the secret became something corrosive that drove distance between themselves and others around them.

Give him space and time and don't judge; show him you love him and support him as you always have.