Home from uni

[Howlongtilldinner]

Have posted before, much needed advice.

Picked DS and all his stuff up from uni yesterday, he's dropped out after first year. He has known since Easter, but done (it appears) very little in the way of looking for work. He doesn't tell me anything, and if I ask what he's done/doing he gets defensive and we end up arguing.

This is how he was when he came home Easter...He has no interests/hobbies. He lays in bed all day (I often come home from work and he's in bed) then plays on his phone or watches TV or hangs out with mates.

I brought him back yesterday, he dumped his stuff in his room then went out with mates. He has a holiday booked (uni loan) in less than 2 weeks. I feel he is not going to do anything until he gets back. I don't think he has any money.

His apathy severely affects my relationship with him. He has done nothing at uni for the past year, didn't even complete the year. He has spent every penny of his loans, and I have given him loads too. I found it very difficult to talk to him. I'm exhausted and very disappointed with his attitude.

How should I deal with this? Lone parent, Dad not really interested.

Give him no more money. No a single penny. Buy scant amounts of food and do nothing for him. Don't make home too comfortable and easy. Make it very clear he needs to get a job and pay his way. He is no longer a student if he has dropped out therefore needs to find work. Has he given you any indication of his future plans?

For us we've always said if they're not in full time education then they have to work to pay rent and contribute to bills. Regardless of whether we can afford it or not.

Also expected to work in the holidays so they have spending money for the terms. If I were you I'd tell him you think it's time he started looking for somewhere to live and let him draw his own conclusions as to how he's going to pay for it. I'd be upfront but not agressive.

So asap I'd have the so have you decided what area you want to live in conversation? House share? Who with? How much have you got saved for the deposit?

For gods sake don't offer to be a guarantee for him or offer to pay his deposit. He'll piss it away.

bluesky he tells me he's applied for jobs/apprenticeships but I see no evidence. I'm glad you said about the food, ive no intention of giving him a penny.

wally I have said the same, no education, then straight to work. I have told him that he has to go live with his Dad (if he doesn't actively seek work) who I hope will at least back me up with this, though I doubt it.

I'm at the end of my tether, and the 'talks' just end up in an argument due to his attitude.

Thanks for your comments, they are supporting what I think/feel is the way forward, I doubt everything I do because he makes me feel so guilty.

Could he be depressed? I know a lot of teenagers are just lazy/tired (I certainly was)
But the no interest or hobbies is standing out to me. Plus laying in bed all day, and even dropping out of his course. They're all signs of depression.
I know it'd be an impossible subject to broach, but maybe rather than a 'stern' talking, try a much gentler approach first?

I thought depression too..See how he is after the holiday. Try to get on his side. He probably hasnt a clue what to do. I would back off completely until after the holiday. Bite your tongue . Try and act like he is the most amazing son in the world and you have every confidence in him. Break the cycle. Take a look at all job stuff yourself and give him a hand finding possible stuff after the holiday.Dont panic. He wont be like this forever.

I would have said depression. Can you steer him towards appropriate support? Maybe figure out what your own boundaries are? Similar to others my parents were happy to have us live with them as long as we were in study or work. Would you be happy with him being at home with you if he was volunteering or doing an apprenticeship or work experience?

I agree not to panic. His mates will get jobs or be studying themselves at some stage.

Is there careers support for young people in your area? For example it used to be called connexions, not sure what it is called any more. Another route could be to suggest he get in touch with his former university's careers service. They will have seen this situation before.

I have thought depression for some time, and asked him too, he said no, I doubt he would say he was. Because he won't open up to me, I feel helpless.

Yes I would definitely keep him here if he was volunteering, it's already been suggested but met with .

I literally have done everything (I think) however, I am going to try and have a gentle chat with him, but it's so hard when I'm exhausted with it all. It's been going on since GCSE's, his poor attitude/work ethic.

But the fundamental issues that need to be addressed are, he has to work (voluntary until something comes up) and I will not give him any money unless for travel to interviews. If he cannot comply with these then he will have to go to his Dad, for the sake of our relationship.

Thank you everyone, your input is invaluable.

Feeling helpless is so tough

It sounds as if he has gotten stuck. Poor guy, and poor you as well.

Do you have concerns RE drugs or alcohol, or something happening in his teens when he was GCSE age to knock him off course a bit?

In case it helps, I know loads of people who were in similar doldrums to your son for a while and are now in a better place, sometimes to quite an astonishing extent. I agree with pp that it won't last forever. Uni is not for everyone.

Maybe get him talking about what he does like and brainstorm ideas together? Do you have another relative whom you could get on board to help him to do this?