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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teens and holidays

25 replies

Happymama17 · 09/06/2017 18:20

Is it cruel to stop taking a teen on family holidays, say once they turn 18? We would still have a younger child so not sure if it would cause a rift/ jealousy?
The teen in question agrees that it's fair, and they went on a few more holidays than the youngest already due to the age gap (so sort of evens it out).
Seems cruel but at the same time how long would you fund holidays for adult children, there must be a cut off point? Money is a bit tight

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 09/06/2017 18:23

We always offered to take our son until he left home but he actually wanted to one anyway when he was 18.

I think it's difficult if money is tight but I personally would not exclude my child if they were still living at home. I'd be surprised though if they always wanted to come. Holidays with mum and dad can be very lame

Pagwatch · 09/06/2017 18:23

'Wanted to miss one'

orangeglove · 09/06/2017 18:24

I think it's mean. How is it a family holiday when you're excluding a member of your family?

If you can't afford it then book a cheaper holiday.

SparklesandBangs · 09/06/2017 18:31

My teen is now 20 and will be coming on 2 holidays this summer as will DC18. They also went skiing with a family group earlier this year, all funded by the bank of Dad.

He can afford it and we like having the DC around, they are both in full time education so I guess we will be taking them for a while yet.

My last family holiday was going to be at 17 as I chose to go away with friends at 18. Then at 19 I went on the family holiday again (my Dad paid). DH and I became more independent after 21 when we were both working and had the funds to travel.

Notsandwiches · 09/06/2017 18:37

I couldn't imagine telling my eldest (still dependant) DS that holidays now excluded him. If he's independent that's different. The argument that he's had more holidays than the younger one is a bit odd.

SallyGinnamon · 09/06/2017 18:41

I'm looking forward to them being at uni so we can go at cheaper times. As long as they want to come along, they are welcome.

HelenMcHelen · 09/06/2017 18:57

Mine are coming this year 19 and 21. I aim to have their company on holiday as long as they want to come. They have their own plans as well but both still keen to do a family holiday.
I remember when I was a teen and my parents went off on a holiday abroad leaving us with GPs. We weren't asked.

PinkPeppers · 09/06/2017 19:00

Mean especially if they are still living at home.
And a shame if they aren't as this wu Do be your opportunity to spend a nice time together as the whole family.

As for the youngest not having had as many trips. Serioulsy? At some point the oldest will not come with you. It might not be NOW but in 3 or 5 years time. But then it will be the same for the youngest.
I'm quite surprised that at that age, you and them are still counting the number of holidays to make it fair TBH....

PinkPeppers · 09/06/2017 19:01

Tbh I'm well over 40 and I still have family holidays with my parents.
It's a great time to spend together, with them and with the dcs. Everyone enjoys it. Why on earth stopping it?

Pagwatch · 09/06/2017 19:04

I suspect that if the op says money's an issue then that is the answer to the 'why on earth stop!' questions.

Depending on the type of holiday it can be much more expensive to accommodate 3 -adults and a younger child than a couple with a younger child.

dingit · 09/06/2017 19:09

We are doing a Caribbean cruise/ stay in January leaving ds at home ( with auntie staying or keeping an eye) and dd at uni. I already feel guilty. Ds and possibly dd will have family holiday with us summer 2018. I think I will be disappointed if they don't.

rainbowjoy · 09/06/2017 19:15

Things must have changed the last thing I wanted when I was 17/18 was to go on holiday with my parents !

Pagwatch · 09/06/2017 19:35

I think it dips in and out rainbowjoy and depends on lots of things.

My eldest is 23 and has been away with us twice in recent years and will be coming with us in October. Sometimes he obviously doesn't want to come but just occasionally it's nice to come away because he can spend time with his brother who has profound SN and with his sister who is neatly ten years younger so, day to day, he doesn't see very much.
Also if we are going somewhere amazing he suddenly misses us

wisteriainbloom · 09/06/2017 19:39

We are taking our 20 year old away with us this summer, I just couldn't take the younger two and not her. I cherish the time spent together.

If money is tight, could they contribute at all?

Unexpectedbaby · 09/06/2017 20:28

We still have a family holiday every October and I'm 26. We pay what we can afford but my parents pay some as they want us to all go together and we can't always afford it.
L

Original poster

Happymama17 · 09/06/2017 21:34

Thank you for your replies, gives me some thought.
When I was young my mum couldn't afford to take me on holiday at all and I've never been abroad etc.. just wasn't something I would have expected her to pay for when I was 18. Even clothes etc I had to buy myself from my part time job, so I'm not sure what "normal" families do once their teens are adults.
There's no way I'd be paying for their holidays once they in their 20s surely?!
I would love to spend time with them but like someone said adding an extra adult ticket/accommodation is obviously adding up to a lot more.
To answer why I'm counting holidays that each child had, I suppose because I don't want to feel I gave more to one child and not the other.

This is all hypothetical by the way, we are not going on holiday this summer :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Happymama17 · 09/06/2017 21:46

To be honest I don't think I could do it, take one and not the other. I think what we will do is stop both of them at a certain cut off (just depends when we can afford it). If oldest has a job by then maybe they can contribute a little.
But no, even just thinking about it seems wrong. Just to clarify it's a couple of years away anyway. Just was thinking about it today when looking at how expensive flights etc are!

OP posts:

HelenMcHelen · 10/06/2017 09:30

As DC grow up their needs are different. I think it's impossible to keep a tally of how much you spend on each. One may need a laptop, one may need a musical instrument. I don't keep a flow chart just get what I think they need. My parents never paid for me for anything, perhaps all the more reason I have brought up my children differently.

If you can't afford it that's different. It seemed that you had some other reason not to pay for them. I can't see why it's wrong to enjoy family time with adult children?

I also pay for mine to bring friends or girlfriends on some holidays.
I will happily pay when they have left home and have families of their own.

AgentProvocateur · 10/06/2017 09:43

Mine are coming this year for half our holiday (21 and 22). As long as they're happy to come, I'm happy to fund it.

Agoddessonamountaintop · 10/06/2017 09:43

Why would you not pay for them once they're in their twenties if you could afford it and would enjoy their company for the duration? I appreciate you can't afford it so it's hypothetical, but don't you think you would if you could? Unless I knew they were pulling in £££ working in the City I'd be happy to stump up the funds - it's a laugh when we're all together on hols. Our older two do get bored now though and have done more picking and chiosing whether to join us or not. The youngest (16) had had enough at 14 so this will be the first summer we won't be going away with him - although I'm sure if we booked somewhere exotic he'd be there like a shot!

bigbluebus · 10/06/2017 10:17

This is the 1st year we have gone away without DS (20) as he was working and studying for an exam. If he had been available, I feel sure he would have come with us (if we offered) as he likes the sort of holiday that we do - usually European City and lots of local food/drink! However, he is also planning his own holiday in July so don't feel like he's being left out (he is funding his own holiday but has been living rent free whilst doing a part time job and studying).

It wouldn't occur to me to think of it in terms of one child having more holidays than another - it would just be whoever was around, available and wanted to come.

corythatwas · 10/06/2017 10:48

the way I look at it is: if you don't offer to fund holidays for young adults (who are probably quite short of money), then you can't expect them to come

if you organise holidays in such a way that your older child can't come, then you are basically saying "having you there is less important to me than having the kind of holiday I want with your younger sibling"

I enjoy my 20yo dd's company so much that I'd rather have a cheaper holiday than go without her- she adds more value than a more expensive resort could possibly do

at the same time, I absolutely recognise that she may have other plans and that is fine, too

of course eventually, as they grow up and have their own lives, the issue resolves itself: they are no longer part of the immediate family unit in the same way and will be organising their own holidays

but an 18yo staying at home with no holiday while their parents are swanning off with younger children seems a bit sad

StereophonicallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 11:01

I'm leaving dd behind in October and taking a friend for younger teen dc instead 😂

She flipped a bit, but the reality is that she won't like/enjoy it and can be a mardy bum when not getting what she wants I am taking her away on a long weekend somewhere much more 'her' though, with a friend also, so I don't feel too mean 😉

We've never done annual type family holidays though due to cost. But I have funded trips/festivals for her etc so it all works out in the end imho.

Treating dc equally doesn't always mean treating them the same imho

Crispsheets · 10/06/2017 11:08

DS 18 is going on 3 holidays this summer with friends and his girlfriend. DD 20 hates holidays and last had one when she was 15.
I'd happily rent a house and pay for them to come, but we all prefer separate breaks at the moment.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 10/06/2017 12:55

My parents could afford to take us when we where 18 but didn't, we had to pay and my brother (21) who still lives there and holidays with them pays for himself. Why should they pay? If we wanted to.come and where genuinely struggling to save all the funds theyd would and have helped but they wouldnt pay for the lot. Guess it just depends how you've been brought up, nothing wrong either way though imo

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