DS physically abusing DD. What do I do next...?

[Happymonster]

My DS 14 in the last week has hit DD11 hard in the back of the head twice, and left bruises on her arm and leg. Each time it has happened suddenly with next to no warning. He has anxiety and social issues (he's been referred by school for possible autism spectrum). He understands boundaries and that what he has done is unacceptable, but feels justified by the fact that she is annoying. In our experience sanctions do not work as he acts on an eye for an eye basis (eg we confiscate his computer he takes something of ours he knows is valuable) and they also ratchet up his anxiety levels resulting in a worsening of his behaviour (smashing up the house, aggressive swearing and shouting, more intimidation and violence). He only goes out to go to school so grounding is pointless. I should say his behaviour at school is good.

We feel so alone - we need to protect her and she has a right to feel safe at home. I'm concerned about the impact it could have on her emotionally as well as the potential that he could really harm her physically. Part of me wishes he was just hurting us instead.

But underneath all the sh** he is quite emotionally vulnerable and needy - I don't want to just give up on him. I am so worn down and it is affecting my relationship with DH. He keeps telling me we should think about putting him into care. It could tear our family apart and I don't know where to go- how can you tell friends or family about it - they don't really understand.

Happymonster so sorry to read what you are all going through.We have gone through similar issues with our DS in the last few months. he has just turned 15 this week. You are not alone!

In the first instance I would request an urgent referral via your GP for CAMHS. Tell the GP about the violence and the threatened suicide and that you feel it is a matter of time before someone gets really hurt. Be insistent that you need to be prioritised. (We did see CAMHS but they said they could not help us and referred us to a different agency who we saw last week)

We are also awaiting an appointment to assess for ASD-our DS has ADHD (diagnosed Nov last year) and has been a handful for the last 12 months-but much worse since the diagnosis, when he started to smoke weed.

Totally understand your position as you want to protect both your children. Our DD is now getting support at her school at our request via Art Therapy-so if you feel your DD is suffering from anxiety, you could ask if they can offer any help perhaps.

We had to call the police twice, when he punched my husband and pushed me over. The second time was a bit of a turning point for us. when the police arrived my DH was sat on top of DS to restrain him-so DS knew DH was far stronger (DH is most placid laid back man you can meet by the way but went into protection mode). DS realises now that if it happens again we'll have no delay in calling the police and he apologised for his behaviour the next day. We are in no way out of the woods with it all at all, but it was a line in the sand. I mention this, as the police were fantastic and said we needed to get help from CAMHS! They also have us on high alert-so if we call 999 they have to get to us quickly.

We will do everything we can to protect both our kids, but we are not going to allow his behavior to continue to erode our DD confidence. If it came to it, we would send him away temporarily if we needed to to protect her. I hope it doesn't come to that-but if someone else were doing to us what he is, we'd have chucked them out months ago, its only because he is our son that we stick with him.

We are also paying for private psychology sessions to help him with his issues around anger. He gets DLA for his ADHD, so we use those payments to pay for it, as we see it as an investment in getting him mentally set up for the future.

Your DS needs urgent help for his anxiety and support in dealing with his emotions - recognising when he is feeling stressed and having an outlet for this. CAMHS may be able to help, or specialist OT/SALT if you can get access.

Can you find something which he can do when he feels uptight, such as go for a run, jumping on trampoline, hitting a real punchbag or something to release the tension in a more acceptable way? Before it gets to that point something like fidget toys can help prevent things building up. He needs to buy into that, but at his age he is old enough to understand that hitting people is unacceptable and that he must find a better way of coping.

Your DD needs to feel safe, so should not have to sit next to DS in car, at table etc. She is old enough to understand that DS has difficulties coping with things and that his behaviour is a result of this. This is not making excuses but explaining why it's happening, also explain that you are trying to find help for him which will make life easier for everyone. I would also encourage her not to 'be annoying' - in no way blaming her for his behaviour, yet being aware that her own behaviour can affect him, even when its just normal sibling stuff. I would also try to spend time doing nice things just with DD if possible so she gets some relief from things at home with DS.

In our house if DD1 is getting wound up about something, we (adults and other DC) remind each other not to 'prod the bear' - i.e. to drop the conversation or stop now, to avoid a DD1 explosion. This does not mean the other person is to blame, rather that now is not a good time to pursue things and we should just stop. If its important we return to it later once DD1 is calm, if not then no harm is done by dropping things.

Its not easy for us or other DC yet it is the reality of living with a child who has anxiety and behavioural difficulties. Regardless there is never any excuse for assaulting anyone and your DS must find another way to handle things. I would approach from this angle rather than sanctions - he just cannot go around hitting people so what else could he do to relieve the pressure he feels? If he starts to get wound up during that conversation back off and start again later.

Thank you Barry for your empathy we are not wimps
Hmm. Then, if you are not weaklings, are you wilfully allowing your son to abuse your daughter? Interesting that you can get on your high horse, standing up for yourself and your DH... who is standing up for your DD? To be honest, it is difficult to empathise with parents who put the comfort of the abuser above the safety of the abused.

Barry you know little of our situation yet you think you are justified in calling us weak. Why do you think I posted here? I am desperately sad and concerned for my daughter and protecting her is priority. I was hoping I might get support and advice from others who may have been in a similar situation so we can try to make the right and informed decision for our family. Not get judgmental opinions from people on high horses . Actually we feel very much in the ditch right now.

It is a very grey situation - not black and white at all. As TimidLivid said, I am worried that getting SS involved and putting him into care would make his problems way worse. Then someone else might be the victim - another child? His future partner? His future children?

Thank you other posters for your advice, especially MissHavisham, Hawks and Percival. We have had counselling from his school for 2 years and he is already 3 months into a 4.5m waiting list for SALT. I am going to see if this can be improved. We have seen the GP twice about his problems (they were useless). I have also previously spoken to DD's teacher about the way her brother bullies her at home as I wanted to know if she was ok in school. (That was a few months ago - we were going through a bad patch with him and he was being especially verbally rather than physically aggressive). We have been speaking to him a lot about what to do when he starts feeling stressed or angry - like expressing himself verbally or walking away from the situation before lashing out. He also knows that next time the police will be called.

For her part, DD just wants her bro to stop behaving like he does. I think in some ways she'd be quite upset if he was sent away. He's a real Jeckyll and Hyde- sometimes they get on really well - yesterday they were playing hide and seek, writing stories together and laughing their heads off (under close supervision). Obv that doesn't make up for what has gone on. I know it's affecting her, but I think/hope she's pretty tough underneath.

Given what you say in your opening post, that your dd was hit hard twice in the head, suddenly, i think you need to contact ss urgently.
Why- because you can't / aren't protecting her now and she could end up seriously hurt in a split second.

Happymonster its a very difficult scenario, because as parents we want to protect all of our kids and getting help is a challenge-we have found.

Our DD is similar to yours in that she just wants her brother to be OK and "normal" towards her. I have tried the conversation with him about him being her older brother and offering her protection rather than her being made to feel scared in her own home. This seemed to resonate with him.

We also press on and ensure we do lots of family things with our DD. Our DS is always invited and made to feel like he could get involved should he wish, but he prefers to do his own thing most of the time. this ensures she is made to feel special and not everything revolves around him (which its felt like over the past year) and he sees us getting on with our lives, but 100% having the option to join us if he wants to.

We have become better at identifying triggers for his out bursts which we now avoid. eg he will not go to bed until late. We used to come to blows on that. So we've let it go. Eventually he'll get tired and will realise we are right-but I'm no longer willing to create world war 3 over him refusing to go to bed and him becoming aggressive and upsetting DD.

We have also found that with him, because he sometimes misinterprets verbal communication, if we want to get a message across-we'll text him or send him a PM on FB. It may seem odd, but he can then read and consider our Point of view without us arguing and him becoming defensive. This is never used as a criticism of him-just explaining how his behavior affects us all.

the pressure on a marriage is intense and last year my DH and I really felt the strain. While we still do, we are a team and our son knows that we support him but there is certain behaviour that will absolutely not tolerate. We are still learning on our feet!!!

I really do feel for you all.

Protecting you DD clearly ISN'T your priority, otherwise you would be taking the excellent advise on this thread.

If SS find out through other means (your DD telling someone about the head injury for example) then they will not look kindly upon you for not getting it checked out. If you go to them for help then it is a different story. SS try to keep families together where ever possible.
However though you think you DD is, she is an 11 year old whose parents are not doing anything to protect her. And I can guarantee that she will have thought that.

tough

Hawks - thank you for understanding, your experience so mirrors ours in many ways. It made me cry to read your post and it is a relief to know we are not alone (although horrible that others are going through this hell too).

Texting is a good idea - haven't really tried that.
I've managed to fast track our referral which is brilliant, although I am well aware that diagnosis is just the start and will not instantly fix things.

How did you find a private psychology sessions?

Happymonster a good cry is good for getting the anger and frustration out.

early days for the sessions tbh, but after the first one he was quite wound up, which showed it had touched a nerve. just the fact that he is willing to go we take as a positive.

A key learn for me has been to focus my energies on what I can control rather than what I cannot. Part of that has also been asking for help from those who have so much more experience than we do, but also trusting my instincts too.

I hope youve had a good day

I don't understand why you have not had your daughter checked out in hospital after 2 blows to the head. I was in similar position to your dd and my father didn't give a toss and my mother was scared herself of them both.
You can talk around it as much as you like but not seeking medical advice is inexcusable. I hope your dd finds the strength to tell a friend or a teacher.

I should be clear that while it was sudden and a nasty thing to do, and left her feeling very upset and angry with him, she absolutely does not have a head injury. If she did we would have taken her to be checked out immediately however it had been caused.

There is some excellent advice on this thread, and we are working out what to do. I have heard so many horror stories about SS, that is why we are a bit reluctant to go that way. When we first started having counselling with DS it was frequently mentioned that he must have behaviour problems because of something that had happened to him at home - alluding to the possibility he was being abused. It took a year of weekly sessions before the councillor started to suggest he may have autism. I do understand that they need to rule maltreatment out, but it is awful to be under suspicion yourselves when you have been struggling to cope with a difficult child for years with little support from school/others.

BTW councillor knows exactly what happened last week - we told him straight away. I am pretty sure that if he had a safeguarding concern he would report it.

Both DH and I had arguments with siblings when we were growing up that left us with the odd bump and bruise - might not be normal in all families, or acceptable, but I don't think that is unusual. I know this has gone beyond that now (as of last week), which is why we are doing what we can to sort it out.

also the blows to the head were single ones on two separate occasions (not sure that is any better though...)

Police will give you options. You can ask the police to have a word with him. He won't get a police record.

I wouldn't put up with it if I were your DD. Particularly as he has no boundaries. I'd probably move out to a relatives

The nice times can never make up for the awful ones.

You need to access help for both or their sakes refer yourself to social services if your poor DD tells a teacher or GP it will be out of your hands. You need to take action now before it gets worse, you have admitted you cannot control your DS now is the time to take action with his anger before things become considerately worse

I am taking action - I've already told GP. We are getting help.
DD definitely does not want to move out. Why should she be punished?

Just to add social services are not the big bad wolves they will try and help you all as a family, removing a family member is a last resort. I've witnessed it being left too long, act whilst you have the choice.

You need to tell her school too so that she can access support if needed. Hopefully the school will have her interests at heart and involve professionals if appropriate.

I really wouldn't listen to all the horror tales of SS. We've had SS involvement, our friends had SS involvement. Never any suggestion of children taken away. SS are usually very keen on keeping families together. The only exception is when they feel the family are trying to cover up incidents or are unwilling to cooperate. Which is exactly why you need to get in there first.

I have also been under suspicion of abuse from a medical misdiagnosis. Yes, it was horrible, yes it scarred me for years. But it did not stop me from trying to get help for dd, and it should not stop you from asking for help either. This is a difficult situation but showing that you are anxious to get support for your ds isn't going to make things any worse.

Sounds like you are doing lots of good things already. But if you need things fast-tracked, ime that is exactly the kind of things you can ask SS to do.