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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What do you grown ups do about your own social life when your teens are off with theirs?

23 replies

mrssapphirebright · 19/05/2017 11:10

I guess what I mean is do your own social lives go on hold when your teens start having one?

I have a ds of 15 and dd of 13, the oldest has just started having his own social life and I presume my dd will not be too far behind. At the moment it is stuff like sleepovers and hanging out at friends’ houses at the weekend etc and going to the local skate park / ice rink / pool / bowling etc.

I can see that the taxi service stage has started and for the last few weekends I have had to pick my ds up from somewhere on a fri / sat eve. Which obviously I don’t mind as I want him to have fun with his friends and be safe.

I don’t go out much, prob only a couple of times a month but I admit, at the weekend my dh and I like to have a nice bottle of wine and chill with a film / takeaway etc. I can already see that the taxi service stuff is now eating into that time. I guess this is just all part and parcel of parenting teens?

Take tonight for example, ds is out at the bowling alley. He knows he has to be home by 9.30 and will keep me updated when he needs a lift if it’s before then. I kind of feel like my ‘me time / down time’ won’t start until he’s home. Probably at 10pm. This is normal right? I won’t be able to get my pj’s on and have a nice meal / drink until then in reality.

OP posts:

DeanKoontz · 19/05/2017 11:15

Is it always up to you to ferry around though? Can he share lifts with others sometimes or use public transport occasionally?

We're just getting into this too, and the calendar system that dh and I have always used also applies to dd.

If she needs a lift on a Friday, she needs to check we're not already committed. If we are, she needs to arrange alternative transport or she can't go. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to block out time when you won't be available as a taxi.

soundsystem · 19/05/2017 11:16

Not helpful but this is a big part of why we've chosen to live in a city! I agree it's hard to relax until they're home safe, but at least we don't have to pick them up! (We don't have a car, anyway).

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/05/2017 11:21

We live rurally with three dc so have accepted taxiing is our job for a few years. We try and work round it so that if we want a bottle or two of wine at the weekend, we'll do it in the evening that we don't need to do a pick up. I'm not great at the late night pickups as I need my bed, but DH is a bit if an owl so he does those.

And we encourage them to sleep over if at a friends house/party.

It doesn't last long as a stage really.

Original poster

mrssapphirebright · 19/05/2017 11:23

Thanks for your reply.

My ds has only ever used public transport (bus) in the day, not the eve. I’m not sure how I feel about that to be honest.

Out of his main 4 friends 2 live near us and 2 don’t, there is one mum who tends to do a lot of ferrying so sometimes he has a lift, but it’s always last minute, unplanned stuff, which often means I’m left hanging until I know what’s going on. This happens less with my dd as she is more organised.

I am divorced from ds’s dad and he helps when he can. Like, if I asked to pick up he would, but he works 3 full night shifts a week so it’s not always possible.

I only arrange proper social nights out on the nights my exh has the dc, and even then that’s only a handful of times a month. Its more about having some downtime / social time etc at home with my dh that I feel is now on hold.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/05/2017 11:26

Oh and if we're out on the same night which happens often then we work around it. I.e. If we are at friends for dinner we need to drop our dc off early eithrg where they are going and they have to gang around or at a friends house whose parents can take them on to the party or whatever. And then we will pick them up on the way back from the dinner we've been to.

We do try and help them as much as we can as we love our social life, so totally understand they love theirs too. (Ds2 doesn't like going out much so that helps, but ds1 and DS3 do)

DeanKoontz · 19/05/2017 11:33

At 15 he should be able to use public transport I think. I am just getting dd (13) to start using it more. I'm hoping if she gets confident with it over the Summer she will carry on using it in the evenings next winter. She does an activity 3 times a week in the next town. I've said she can only really continue to do it if she masters public transport. To run her in the car means sitting in traffic both ways which impacts too much on the rest of the family.

Funnyfarmer · 19/05/2017 11:35

Pubic transport isn't great where I live. But if we can use it she does.
I'd prefer her to use it with friends at night rather than by herself. But she does.
We also share taxing with other patents even though non of her friends live anywhere near us or near each other.
My taxi service is a pre book only service. Unless in an emergency.
When she 1st started going out she would just go with no plans on how she was getting home, and just expect us to drop everything to pick her up. Now when she's going out I always make sure she makes plans on how to get home before she leaves.
Look on the bright side. It will help you cut down on your alcohol consumption

Funnyfarmer · 19/05/2017 11:36

Really should learn to preview. Hope it makes sence

Chocolatecake12 · 19/05/2017 12:06

My ds is 15 and I've been his taxi service for the past year of a weekend evening when he goes out. Public transport isn't great where we live.
Occasionally he gets lifts from friends parents and I'll give his friends lifts home.
Yes it impacts on my social life and drinking!!
But I'd rather he was safe and it's not going to be forever.

Wecks · 19/05/2017 17:56

We live in the sticks so no public transport. The price we paid for that was years of taxiing.
Once DC were old enough to drive and have a part time job (17) they didn't need so much from us. Though DH is a star when it comes to parties in the middle of nowhere and New Years Eve pick ups at 2am.

GingersHaveSouls · 19/05/2017 19:50

My Dd who is 15 either walks or uses public transport...if its dark, she uses my uber account. We moved to the city last year after living in the sticks for years. Best move we ever made as I don't have to be "taxi" anymore, which I hated with a passion and Dd is loving her new independence.

corythatwas · 20/05/2017 00:09

I can't drive due to visual impairment and haven't got a licence so that lets me off the hook as far as taxi service goes. Dh who has a very long commute is usually asleep by 9.30.

We live in a town so public transport is available and a taxi home isn't going to break the bank. The way I look at it is, if they're not old enough to call a reputable taxi company they're not old enough to be out on their own in the evening either. Most of the danger is going to be at the party (drink, drugs, other over excited teens), not on the bus home.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/05/2017 00:27

I'm currently sitting on the sofa with a coffee trying to stay awake to pick DD up from a party at 1. No buses running that way, could get an uber but I'd rather pick her up until she's a bit older (16 now).

Wasn't my plan for the eve, we were looking forward to takeaway and wine but as someone else said this phase doesn't last forever. If she did get an uber I'd still be awake waiting to hear her get in so I might as well go and get her.

NotYoda · 20/05/2017 14:30

Public transport

I live in London, though, and kids around here start taking buses on their own well before the age of 15

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2017 14:34

Yes we did the ferrying around. The way round it is sleep overs. That way whoever is hosting the sleep over does the ferrying and it's all shared out. Otherwise all the parents are running around.

My daughter worked in a pub waitressing one summer but no public transport and along rural back roads with no pavements and no street lighting so wouldn't have her cycling back at midnight on her own. Now that was a pain in the ass every Friday or sat night..but we wanted to encourage her to work and they soon move on to new things.

TreeTop7 · 20/05/2017 16:29

I know what you mean!

I would say that 13 and 15 y olds could be getting buses though.

stuckin90s · 28/05/2017 08:16

Wish mine still only stayed out until 10😀, that is early evening for us on weekends now.Lucky my daughters don't go out every weekend night yet; but a 1 o clock pickup is normal, and what i tend to do now is have more of a drink in the week when my girls are at home; I know weekend time is taxi service time, and just enjoy the reading paper in bed in morning with coffee time instead.

I think it would be a pain if you had to get up early on the weekend. My daughter slept over last night at party, but wanted lift at 6.45, which was early, but better than a 1 o clock pickup. Before long they might have all left home, so it's not such a sacrifice.

I think if we lived in a city, I would just stay up worrying about them getting back ok anyway.

Blogwoman · 28/05/2017 19:46

Our DDs are 16 and 18; we live in a small town with a good bus service to a bigger town. I don't drive and DH has to get up really early, so ferrying them around not generally an option. I often meet DD from the bus stop, as the walk from there to our house is partly unlit. Would meeting yours from the bus stop be an option? You could at least have a drink, if not in your pjs! We also found a local taxi firm who would provide a female driver. They will sometime sleep over at a friend's or get a lift back with a friend coming in our direction. Now some of their friends are drivers. I have a friend who lives in a village though who seems to be her DDs taxi service a lot of the time.

Sgtmajormummy · 28/05/2017 20:10

IME younger teens (under 16) often go to places in class or club groups, so I'm always generous with lifts for friends in the hope that their parents will return the favour, preferably the later runs!

You could get your DC to arrange car sharing in advance via WhatsApp group messages. No use 3 sets of parents staying up late to be "Mum's Taxi".

DS got his licence in February and that includes a year of zero tolerance for alcohol. So I don't feel TOOOO uneasy when he takes my car at the weekend.
Now he has his own social life we're enjoying 11yo DD's company and doing things that are beneath DS's dignity, like an overnight stay to see a musical, watching a tween movie together, going bowling etc.

When she's off our hands then we'll really get our social life back... Or be too decrepit to enjoy it!

ssd · 28/05/2017 20:19

we hardly drink

Funnyfarmer · 28/05/2017 20:30

@Sgtmajormummy. Dont let him forget all those lifts you have him when your younger one needs ferrying around

LoveBeingAMum555 · 29/05/2017 00:09

We live rurally with no public transport and have a 16 and 18 year old. Taxis are scarce and very expensive. Yes it's a pain and I miss being able to curl up in my pjs with a glass of wine on a Saturday night. Our fault for living where we do but I didn't think about it at the time!

We share it between us and encourage sleep overs, as someone else says at least you can have a morning lie in. The worst is when you stay up and at midnight get a text to say they have arranged a lift home or someone has offered to let them sleep over!

Parker231 · 29/05/2017 00:24

What about him using public transport - he could check out the bus routes and times

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