Who's telling the truth - what to do?

[cricketmum1]

We have 2 ds's, one is 16 (doing GCSE's) and the other is 11. My husband and I left them alone for half an hour this evening (had to go and jump start my car!) When we got home the 11 year old was in tears with a totally smashed phone. He said his brother took it from him and threw it down the stairs, his brother (16 and has another exam tomorrow) said that he had his brother's phone and was sending me a joke email (God knows why!) they struggled and the phone fell down the stairs. To be honest, I don't believe either of them, the truth is probably somewhere in between - I'm probably leaning towards believing my 16 yr old, my husband our 11 year old. I don't want to go too hard on the 16 year old because of his exams, but my husband has different ideas. As you can imagine - happy families tonight!

How do I get the truth and how should I deal with it. Right now, I've said that I'm not talking about it until it's all calmed down. BUT.... what to do. The 11 year old's phone is my old one, so it didn't actually cost me anything to get it, he doesn't even have a phone number yet! But now probably needs a new phone which will cost me money. I'm thinking of getting them both to contribute an amount to the replacement unless the truth is told??? Any suggestions gratefully received!

But if either truth tells that the 16yo is responsible for the damage, why is it so important that there should be an agreed truth? Might it not be about perception anyway: 16yo has phone- which he has no right to- phone glides out of his hands, 11yo thinks he threw it, 16yo says it was not on purpose, why should it matter to make one of them revise his perception when one fact remains: if you pinch other people's property you are responsible for any ensuing damage.

If I had an older sibling who routinely wound me up, I would over-react. I'd feel like I was being picked on in my own home and my parents were allowing it.

Don't get caught up in silly details - what are the basic rules? 16 yr old shouldn't pick on anyone, ever. 16 yr old shouldn't take things that don't belong to him. 16 yr old shouldn't be fighting over a phone at the top of the stairs (just think about if one of your sons had fallen instead of the phone).

11 yr old should have the same rules, btw, but it seems his older brother broke all those rules and you're still not supporting your younger son.

I teach 13/14 yr olds. We have a VERY strict 'do not touch' rule about other people's belongings, because it always leads to trouble. Your 16 yr old should have learned that rule by now.

Well, you know, that's what works for us. Can't really say any more.

Younger one may be as much of a wind up merchant as older. Don't overblow this incident. Consequences, compensation & move on.

Before I start, I do not have teenagers of my own, I wandered into this forum accidently. I do work with teenagers though and am used to dealing with conflict between them. I tend to avoid playing detective in these situations as if you make a mistake, then you are "picking on them". Best to acknowledge that you have heard them both but it's one word against another and how are you supposed to know the truth. Not that it is particularly relevant because the older one obviously started the whole incident.

I would take the older ones phone and tell him I would return it to him when I could think of a fair way of paying for the replacement for the younger one. I'd also tell them I was open to suggestions. Then leave them to stew. In my experience, teenagers are fantastic problem solvers when there is something in it for them. It also works on my 6 year old.