So, bit long. Ds and Dd1 have had ructions, ds took something of dds etc. ds is 14, dd is 12. Ds is typical teenager, dd is a bit of a goody goodie and young for her age, this leads to ds thinking she is favoured, which we try very hard to show is not true.
last night, dd1 on her phone until dinner, then she plugged it in to the charger in kitchen by the dishwasher.
After dinner it was ds turn to clear the table and pack the dishwasher. Dd went to do the pets.
When dd picked up her phone, her password didn't work. Someone had changed it and she was locked out of her phone.
The only person who could have done it was ds while he packed the dishwasher, and he was cross with dd, so doing something like this to get back at her would be pretty typical. He swore he hadn't done it. Trouble is, if he did do it, he would swear he hadn't as long as he thought he coudl get away with it, so no reason to believe him.
I was inclined to think he HADN'T done it, as I didn't think there was time between doing the dishwasher, we were still at the table and neither of us saw him. Dh thinks he DID do it, as he was the only one who could have.
I said to dh that if he is so certain, then he has to deal with it, as I wasn't sure. He said fine, as long as I backed him up. We have learnt that we have to present a united front to ds if we are to unravel any situation. Dh removes ds phone until dds phone is working. ds' phone is VERY important to him, can't live without it, if dds phone isn't sorted, that means he has no phone at school today.
Cue a whole evening of drama, tears and anger. Ds swears he didn't do it. At 2 points I spoke to dh and said I am now certain he didn't do it because he would not sacrifice his phone for today no matter how much he wanted to get back at dd. Then later, I could see that ds wasn't doing his normal huge angry bluff to get out of something, he ws really upset, not normal when he is covering up. At this point I said to dh, you are going to damage our relationship with him, because if he is falsely accused and we are unfair he will remember it, he is genuinely upset. Dh was still - but who else COULD have done it??
All evening dh had been fiddling with dds phone trying to turn it off (need password to do that) Ds won't go to bed, he is in his room, light on, upset, angry. At 10 pm, at which point I was really saying to him - ds hasn't done it. (his response was that who else could have done it) anyway, at 10 pm, he manages to get the phone to turn off, turns it on again, and dds password works. In other words, no-one had changed it, the phone was just frozen in some way.
Dh went upstairs, apologised to ds, and gave him his phone back. Ds was sort of fine. Relieved it was sorted, but tired and wrung out.
I am finding it really hard today to process.
There is background, when I was 7 I was falsely accused of pinching something of my brother's. I never forgot the rage and injustice. It came out years later what had actually happened. That means I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt too much, which ds has used to his advantage in the past.
Dh tends to jump to conclusions more than me, certain who has done it based on small evidence.
Usually we make a good team, we moderate each other, and we are usually right, we know if one of the dcs is pulling a fast one. It is rare for us to be divided like this. (and rare for us to get it wrong with ds over something like this)
I think I am angry because I could see that ds was genuinely upset and dh wouldn't back down. But on the other hand, the ructions between ds and dd over the weekend were very similar he swore black was white he hadn't pinched her stuff, and then two hours later, he gave it back, so it is really hard to tell with him.
How do you handle situations like this?