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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Advice please

15 replies

Sarahmc26 · 19/04/2017 00:46

Hi,

So I'm looking for a little advice! My 13 yr old daughter has invited a girl from school to come on holiday with us, which is fine! I have covered the costs of bringing said friend as it was company for my daughter so made sense that I pick up the bill.

Since the holiday was booked there have been issues at school and my daughter was subjected to months of bullying by some girls in her group of friends, this was a pretty distressing time and my daughter became very low and was sent home from school all the time, cried constantly, we had to take her to counselling as she was having suicidal thoughts over it all.

Lucky we have managed to resolve this and she is now with a different group of girls and is much more content at school but here comes the issue.

My daughter no longer wants this girl to come as she was part of the old group of friends and although this girl didn't take part in the bullying she didn't help my daughter and she now feels let down by her! I have tried to speak to her about this and explain how hard it is to help at such a young age but she feels betrayed by the ones who stayed quiet and I don't know what to do.

We need this break as it's been a tough year and I want her to have someone there she is comfortable with but I feel mean and horrible to now tell this girls mum she cant come but then I don't want my daughter to be forced to have someone there who reminds her of that hard time.

My other worry is if I explain to this girls mum why she doesn't want her there then it could start the problems at school up again.

Can anyone relate or help me come up with a solution?

I feel I may be blinded to it due to the emotions and feel an outside perspective might help.

Thanks

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 19/04/2017 00:50

If I were that girls mum I would want to know as for all we know her daughter could be getting picked on by them too.

She absolutely cannot go. She wouldn't be comfortable, your DD wouldn't be comfortable - YOU wouldn't be comfortable because you know about it all.

What kind of holiday are you going on?

LockedOutOfMN · 19/04/2017 00:50

You don't have to pay for anyone to come on holiday with you if they will upset your child. The holiday is far enough away for the other girl's family to make alternative plans. I would phone the mother and sort it between the two of you as the situation seems to be causing your daughter additional worry.

Original poster

Sarahmc26 · 19/04/2017 00:56

It's a holiday abroad, it was booked away last year, hence the reason why I had already paid for it but I don't mind losing the money or putting someone in her place I just don't know how to approach the other mum! From what my daughter has said she was the only one having issues and now that things have relaxed a little I just worry about starting it back up again, sorry I must sound nuts but my head is fried with it all

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 19/04/2017 00:59

If it does start anything up, and it shouldn't if this person was a silent bystander, then at least you're all poised for action.

Is it imperative that somebody else goes? Is there somebody your DD wants to go with? Is there anything for her to do on this holiday?

Original poster

Sarahmc26 · 19/04/2017 01:07

No there is no real need for anyone else to go, but she would like to take someone else who is not at her school. The girl she wants to come helped her through alot of things and let her open up so I guess she has built up a little bond with this girl.
There is loads to do, we have our own pool and the beach is minutes away, there is water sports and activities nearby, sight seeing! So she wouldn't be without anything in the way of keeping busy!

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 19/04/2017 01:11

I only ask because i'd hate to be picking somebody just to fill the space rather than somebody your dd is actually close with.

It sounds great. I hope it gives her a bit of escapism from all the shit and horrible girls.

At least silent bystander girl will learn that being Switzerland doesn't always pay off. Important lesson.

Original poster

Sarahmc26 · 19/04/2017 01:17

Thanks I really hope so, she needs time to just be 13 again and remember what it is like to be a kid and have fun!

Maybe just being honest is the answer, fingers crossed!

Thanks for the responses!

OP posts:

NoMudNoLotus · 19/04/2017 01:26

Your daughter is completely justified in her feelings.

The current teaching on bullying is that standing by and watching bullying without doing anything to help the bullied at all ( as in reporting, being supportive , standing up to the bully ) is really inexcusable.

Brighteyes27 · 23/04/2017 22:01

To be fair I would maybe go and see the other mum in person if you know her and sooner rather than later. I imagine the other girl may be possibly feeling awkward going away with you all and is maybe wondering how or when she will be able to wriggle out of it now unless she just wants to cash in on a free holiday or her parents want a break from her. It would be far nicer for your DD to either go without anyone or go with this newer friend.
My DD has been involved in a similar thing with her friends the other girls don't speak to her now and forcing them to spend any time in each other's company as their parents tried to do when things were going wrong must have been hard for both parties.

Original poster

Sarahmc26 · 23/04/2017 23:13

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, i decided to just be honest and tell the other parent that they are no longer close and dont speak so it wouldnt be right! I apologised profusely for the upset it may have caused her daughter but i had to consider my daughter first!
She is now very excited about this holiday and is counting down the days, its like a weight has lifted from her so i couldnt be happier.
Her new friend is joining us and this just sealed things for her, the relief all round is amazing.

Long may it last, thanks again ladys x

OP posts:

Brighteyes27 · 23/04/2017 23:37

Good for you, I hope you all have the lovely holiday you deserve.
My DD seems to be handling her friendless situation really well at the minute. She has gone from being out all the time with three friends, walking to and from school etc etc. To now being friendless I am giving her lifts to and from school and any girl she talks to or who talks to her these other girls and their class mates suddenly rush over want to be besties with them and slag my DD off. She's talked to us never about things never once cried or got upset about it. Any tips for coming out of the other side?

Original poster

Sarahmc26 · 24/04/2017 07:17

I feel your pain, that was similar to what my DD was dealing with. Its hard to watch but patience is key to alot of it! I played it down alot with my DD, never justified thier behaviour but always told her that they are not worth her upset! How is her new group dealing with them? Are they believing what the old group are saying about your DD? How old is your DD?

OP posts:

Brighteyes27 · 24/04/2017 08:16

Shes 12 she doesn't really have a new group as anyone she tries to hook up with they go in and put the mockers on it. She has a couple of individuals she talks to who seem to be similarly unpopular excluded but none of them live anywhere near us, are in her form or any of her classes so she doesn't see them much in school and doesn't see them out of school either. She tried to initiate meeting up in the Easter hols but the girl has a younger brother so seemed to be mainly at her GP's.

Original poster

Sarahmc26 · 24/04/2017 12:09

Uck wee soul! Its heartbreaking because girls in particular are so cruel to each other! I went in and spoke to the school and they spoke to the girls but it only helped for a little awhile! What they did do tho which helped was set her up with a meeting each week with a kind of behavioural counsellor which gave her an hour of just chatting about her week and it was a little bit of confidence building as well, wasnt your typical counselling sessions! My DD seemed to enjoy that little time to herself! I dont know if you DDs school has something like that! I also found finding her something to do out of school like guides were she meet new friends, again it gave her something that was hers. My DD has 2 different sets of friends now, her school group and her school friends. I just try to listen and encourage her as im sure you do yourself! Its a tough time but it doesnt last. If your ever needing a chat feel free to PM me, its hard for the child but its equally hard as the parent.

OP posts:

Brighteyes27 · 24/04/2017 16:31

Thanks Sarahmc26 my DD seems to be handling it scarily well. She's not got upset or tearful about the situation not even once. She tells me some and prob most of what's been happening she knows their actions/behaviours are wrong but she doesn't want to wind them up any more incase things get any worse for her. It's parents evening this week so I will ask if they have a counsellor or similar. I am taking her to school every day as the last and main and safe half mile to school from our area and the way all the kids walk (just so I know she's getting to school safely and doesn't have to experience any horrible comments or behaviour from either these lot or if group of boys walking as she is tall well developed and well proportioned and looks more like a 16 year old than 12 year old). I am also picking her up from school as often as I can which is three nights a week.
She does guides but hasn't really gelled with anyone in particular most of them go in pairs already and others live 10 or so MIL's away or at much older. She plays a team sport on a weekend but two of the nasty girls also play in her team. I am also trying to encourage her to join some lunch time or after school activities this term to broaden he girls she knows.

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