DD sexually active - advice on what to do next

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

Hi all. Just found out today that my DD (age 16 and 7 months) had sex for the first time last night with her boyfriend (he is 17 - 18 later this year). I have to admit I didn't react in the best way - I burst into tears when she told me!

She has been "speaking to" this lad for 2 months now and recently they have been spending more time together. He took her out for their first proper date last night (ie for dinner) and then she stayed over at his - he lives quite far away so his parents had said she could stay over. We had previously discussed sex but she had said she wasn't ready yet. I was taking the measured approach (or so I thought) which was that if she was going to do it, she would do it so there was no point in me not allowing her to stay over. Now I am wondering if I have made it too easy for her and I should not have allowed her to stay over. She didn't exactly volunteer the information but when I asked her how the evening had gone, she looked at me a bit funny and I just had a feeling - so I asked her if anything had happened and she told me they had DTD.

I can't believe or understand how badly I have taken it - I am really worried. Pregnancy, STIs, worries about him spreading it around their group. Worried he will now drop her. It's not like I haven't thought about this and I've talked to her about sex - along the lines of its not a bad thing with the right person, and its your body but don't feel pressurised and make sure you are safe etc- don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with etc.

Yet here I am in tears!! DH is at work so can't discuss with him. DD says she felt ready/in a good place, they used a condom, he's a lovely lad to her, he's already texted her to say can they go out to dinner again on Tuesday, he didn't pressure her etc.

Okay - so now getting to the point and looking for advice.

Do I now talk to her about her going on the pill? What have others done? I worry that if she does go on the pill it could encourage sex without a condom. But if she doesn't, the risk of pregnancy is higher.

She says she's not planning of having sex "every weekend" now that its happened, but all the same,, I would be naive to think it won't happen again. She was quite a late developer and only started her periods about 5 months ago and they are not regular. She's very scatty and I'm not sure she would remember to take the pill every day - so would the implant be better?

To those who have been through this - what did you do and what did you find most helped your DD?

I've calmed down a bit and apologised to her for the tears/freaking out - I really don't want to make this about me/my feelings or to make her feel she can't talk to me or I will be upset - she said "it's okay, I understand" and gave me a big hug which made me feel even more ridiculous.

I am fully aware she is 16 and an adult and I am honestly not a helicopter parent - that's why I am shocked at my reaction.

all advice welcome.

I told all mine to double up on contraception as teens. The pill plus condoms. It would have been a disaster if they (DDs) or their GFs (DSs) had got pregnant. Other than that I left them to it.

I think you are fine with the crying. It was a bit silly but you apologised. It's no biggy. The fact your DD told you shows you that you must have a good relationship. I'm think the crying was more to do with thoughts of your DD growing up rather than being horrified she is having sex.

I happily let my DCs have their partners stay over from 16/17 ish as long as they were in stable relationships. I've always liked their partners which made things simple.

gamer - this is it I think. my wee girl growing up - she still seems quite "young" - no breasts as such, late periods, still likes me to tuck her in at night - only last month I went into her room to ask her something and she was watching the cartoon fim Barnyard. she was really embarrased about watching it and I said, "don't be silly, you should watch whatever you like". She then said she wanted to be grown up but still wanted to be a little girl too. I need to remember what its like to be 16 instead of panicking.

And I will definitley not tell dad!

She maybe too young for the depo as it can aff ct your bone density and if she's still growing. I'm glad you didn't tell her dad some conversations should between mother and daughter like some conversations would take place with father and a son. I would her advice on several forms of contraception and support in looking into them.

Is her dad your dh? If so i think it would be more natural to tell him, as long as you have no reason to think he'd react badly, or if your daughter would prefer you not to. Seems normal to want to share this with the person who gives you emotional support and is jointly responsible for parenting her.

It's ok OP you sound like a great Mum - you have not screwed everything up by your understandable reaction, just explain why you have reacted that way, hugs, kisses and get down to a proper chat. Contraceptives - while belt and braces may prevent pregnancy - I have never been a fan of the hormones involved in taking the pill or implants, they screw around with your body. I also feel that being on the pill may encourage her not to use a condom and that is not only protecting her from pregnancy but STDs including HIV.

You will deal with it fine. You can no more stop young people having sex than stop the tide coming in.

The good news is that the teen pregnancy rate in this country has halved in the last ten years!
Fwiw we allowed daughter to have overnight guests as long as she forewarned us. We preferred it to her staying out all night in an unknown location or having to force her to lie.