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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

School has just contacted me to advise DD is playing truant

21 replies

moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 16:07

Really not sure how to tackle this, I want to go mad but obviously realise it wouldn't be the best action. 6th form
She told me she had a detention for Spanish but that it was because she missed last Friday's lesson(I had authorisation for her to be off school as it was my big birthday) and it was to catch up.
Apparently, that was not the first time she has missed Spanish, today she also missed Psychology, the teacher found her in the common room. And the teacher has just contacted me again to inform me that she missed Chemistry last week and yesterday. I know of nothing that could be making her lose motivation, she has friends there, she seems popular. We had just spent a lovely weekend in London for my birthday, so she had plenty of chances to talk to me about anything
I was going to lead in with "could you explain what the detention was for again ?" WWYD ?

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CotswoldStrife · 28/03/2017 16:12

And if she says the same thing, what will you do then? Surely there is no reason to lie to her or try to catch her out with a test, say the school has rung you and is there anything you can help her with?

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 16:13

I guess I was thinking I would give her chance to be truthful. She has always been a really conscientious pupil before now

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Seeline · 28/03/2017 16:16

Seems strange that she is not actually playing truant, but 'just' missing lessons (if she was in the common room).
I think I would be grateful that she wasn't wandering the streets or anything, but weird to just stay in the school building.
I think you just have to be honest with her and say that you have had a phone call, and ask what's going on. Hopefully if you are honest with her she may feel more able to be honest in return. I know it's hard to keep calm, but try and get her reasons for her behaviour before erupting!! Good luck

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 16:18

The school called it truant. When she was found in the common room, she said that she hadn't realised that she should have been in a lesson.

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Seeline · 28/03/2017 16:18

I also think it would be strange for the school to give a detention for missing a lesson when she had an authorised absence for it. Catch up any missed work - yes, detention, no. So I think she must be lying about that one.

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 16:20

Thank you for answering. She knows when her lessons are. I don't like the fact she is lying to me. But you are right, I don't want to erupt(if I do) until I know if there is an underlying reason

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Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 16:20

yes Seeline, that is what has irritated me that she has lied about the reason for the detention

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reallyanotherone · 28/03/2017 16:24

Thing is though, by authorising leave to miss school for your birthday, it kind of teaches her that skipping is ok.

I know it's you birthday, but it's easter hols next weekend, it could have waited.

SafeToCross · 28/03/2017 16:24

I would just go in with 'you've been missing lessons - what's going on?' She prob knows they are calling you. Might be a bit of pissed off rebellion against unfairness, normal rebellion against rules, might be social or exam anxiety, might be peer influence, might be an indication of another problem. I guess our role as parents is to notice, to care about it, to point out what the negative consequences will be, indicate what our expectation would be, and to listen to what they are going to do about it.

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 16:28

It may well be the Easter holidays but I am unable to take time off from work then and nor could DD. So no it couldn't have waited. There is only myself and my daughter down here and the school agreed the absence, I do see where you are coming from with the fact that it makes it seem ok to miss school. But she knew that she would have to make up the time, had I known that she had been skipping lessons then I would not have let her come away

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Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 16:30

The time away was a birthday/Graduation celebration for me. The school had agreed that it was important for DD to come with me

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bigTillyMint · 28/03/2017 16:41

So I would tell her that the school had called and ask her what is going on.

Is she in Y13 or Y12?
Is she skipping classes to work on her own or is she just sitting about chatting?
Is she doing well or struggling?

There could be all sorts of reasons, but until she talks to you, you can't do anything to help. Obviously!

CheltGlosLocal · 28/03/2017 16:51

She is Year 12 and has said she was struggling with one subject. I offered to go into school to talk to the teacher but she said that she would see how well she did in the examS. She would then drop whichever one out of 2 she did least well in.

CheltGlosLocal · 28/03/2017 16:52

When she was found in the Common room today she was with friends with not a text book in sight

littlemissneela · 28/03/2017 16:52

My daughter started missing lessons when she was in school, so not 6th form, but this was due to anxiety and depression. She still does it at 6th form, but they are much more understanding about things. I wonder if there is something going on with your dd and something either at school, or something else. I would just say, very lightly 'oh, I had a phone call from 6th form about xyz...' and see if she volunteers anything. If she doesn't, just say that you hope she is ok, and you aee always here to talk to, no matter how big or small she thinks her problem might be.
I hope you get to the bottom of it all.

CheltGlosLocal · 28/03/2017 17:00

She has tricotillomania, has had for the past 2 years. Except that she won't admit that she has it. She hates her part time job but won't hand her notice in. Usually she will speak to me about things

CheltGlosLocal · 28/03/2017 17:11

Sorry as I've logged in on my phone now it has changed my user name but it is still I Moomoo

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 17:14

Sorry that must have been confusing

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P1nkSparkles · 28/03/2017 17:34

TBH - she doesn't have to be in school for sixth form & it's sort of designed for more self-directed learning to ease the transition for students who want to go to uni, our school never contacted parents of sixth form students except in a pastoral capacity (if they were concerned) and dropping a subject is normal.

I'd be more tempted to have a gentle chat to find out what's going on for her, coming from a "we're all a bit concerned" angle - from what you've said I'm hearing more of a stress and anxiety/overwhelmed picture.

Let us know how you get on x

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 18:18

Thanks P1nksparkles. Just on my way home now

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Original poster
moomoo1967 · 28/03/2017 20:30

OK so sounds like school is grossly exaggerating the truancy thing. DD has explained all to me and her teachers were happy with her explanations for being LATE. It is this other woman who isn't. Going to request an appointment for Monday. I didn't want her to go to this school originally as it has a reputation for being cliquey in that if you haven't attended year 7-11 it was hard to make friends. DD has said that she has asked for help but hasn't received any. One teacher aid she didn't have time. Unfortunately, her old school didn't have a 6th form

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