Techniques to help 13 yr old dd's confidence?

[TealStar]

Hi,
My dd (13, Y8) has been having a rough old time recently. She seems to have lost confidence over the last 12 months or so and apart from her having some private therapy (which I'm considering) I was wondering whether anyone could help?

She has known several of her friends since nursery, and as she has gone through school she has gathered more friends who have joined. I would say that she has a pretty solid group of friends, they have their ups and downs, but on the whole they are supportive, good kids who work hard and have plenty of outside interests and a great attitude.

The trouble is, dd can be very negative and critical - of them and herself, and seems to take offence easily. I admit that she may have inherited that from me as I have a tendency towards low self-esteem and the resultant over-sensitivity, however as I am aware of this I have always tried very hard to play it down, and approach any 'self-victimisation' on her part with a philosophical, almost neutral approach where I encourage her to see both sides of the argument. Dd2, for the record, is the total opposite of this, and is incredibly rose-tinted about everyone!

Most nights recently I have found dd1 crying in bed. She says that she feels totally worthless compared to dd2, who is incredibly popular, sporty, 'talented' in two subjects, funny, and seems to go through life as if it's a breeze. Even dd1s friends all want to be friends with dd2.

I go to great lengths to reassure dd1 that she is wonderful, to remind her of her many fantastic points - she's v bright academically, strikingly attractive, and kind, empathic and emotionally intelligent beyond her years.

Sorry to sound as if I'm bragging, I'm fully aware that neither of them is perfect, but I'm trying to get across the difference in their personalities and why dd1 feels this way and why IMO she really needn't as she has so much going for her.

Dd1 says that she now goes red in class and when she speaks publicly she just wants to burst into tears. She seems to be terrified of coming across as a 'geek' (sorry for any offence caused by that term but it's the one that she uses) and I am concerned that her confidence is getting poorer by the day and just feel at a loss on what to do! We encourage her to do as much sport as possible, and are always keen to help her develop any hobbies and interests.

Can anyone who has been through similar give some advice on how to inject a dose of confidence into their teen dd? I really want to help her and feel at a total loss on what to do. Every night I am hugging her and telling her it's going to be ok but she just seems so sad deep down. Thanks I. Advance.

What about drama classes or lamda speech and drama skills? She could do that 1-1 or in groups and will teach her how to manage her fears and talk in front of others.

Interesting. Particularly the point about over-praising differences can lead someone to becoming stuck with a label - the "arty" one, and the "sporty" one. My dsis was the one who was "great at languages" - and I felt a subtle (or actually, not so subtle!) encouragement from my dm not to tread on her toes. It only occurred to me relatively recently that I was no slouch at languages either but they had already been "bagged".

Ds is quite brainy and popular with friends, and he was often teacher's pet. Dd isn't popular and has never been teacher's pet. In fact she often has a RBF and teachers much prefer the eager beavers. Difficult to know how to encourage without giving her the idea that her personality is crap.

Thank you, Rhoda.
Yes we try not to get too swept up in the typecasting, it's difficult not to though. Funnily enough we always had dd1 down as the best, conscientious one but at a recent parents evening I was most surprised to see that dd2 has been beavering away this year and produced some beautiful, meticulous work. So just shows how things can change. When dd2 says she's rubbish at maths I always say 'you just haven't quite got there yet' to enforce a sense that nothing is set in stone. But yep it's hard not to!

Thanks Sandwich, good ideas, I'll look into it. I imagine it will take some guts for her, but I expect she would love that. She used to be fine about being centre stage in primary school plays, this year she didn't even want to be in the chorus!

Thank you again for your very thoughtful post swing. I will digest.

Thank you elastamum, I love TED talks! Fake it till you make it is a funny old concept. I've always been anti-it, as I believe strongly that confidence needs to come from within and be built on a bedrock of solid self-belief, but I'm beginning to see that the way in which others see us can reflect on our own self-regard in a self-perpetuating cycle. I will definitely check it out and if I feel it's right for dd, will suggest she watches it.

Thanks so much Pompatrol, I will add that book to my basket along with the Gremlin one mentioned above!