housework and chores

[anastasia74]

Hi there,

We are currently having a bit of an issue with household chores. My 16 year old daughter is very reluctant to do anything to help in the house apart from very occasionally tidy her bedroom. Occasionally she does the pots etc, after a lot of nagging. But, when asked to help with anything else says that her friends do nothing to help around the house and get loads of spending money. Is this normal behaviour for teenagers. As I used to help my mum out with chores or am I being old fashioned?

I used to say that to my mum. lol. I think it's normal, everything is unfair.

She should definitely help out, but I know teenagers are generally reluctant - to put it nicely - to do so.

We used to have weekly chores, ie clean bathroom and kitchen and do some general helping. Also at my mum's we had to help clean up after dinner etc.

I think she maybe just needs to get used it and certainly what her friends do or do not do is no excuse!

I will try other tactics. The problem is I can live with her not helping out much, but my husband used to help out a lot when he was at home. Although he doesnt do that much now apart from outside jobs. So, it does tend to cause a few arguements.

Maybe it'd help to know what other MNers kids do, so you can get an idea.

Our ds (12) does v. little, imo, but he does bring in the logs and coal every night, keeps his own bedroom clean(ish) and unloads the dishwasher.

Our friends' son cleans both cars every Saturday.

I think she should help if nothing else you will be teaching how to look after herself when she leaves home. I would give her certain chores to be done each week or month and no nagging if she does them she get's her pocket money if not then no money.

I don't have teenagers yet, as dd is only 3yrs but i will be doing to her what my mum did we us (me,brother and sister).

From about 6yrs we would do the following, 1 would lay the table for dinner and the other 2 would have to wash and dry up.

When my sister was 11 mum went back to work full time so we all had to help, i would prepare dinner and my brother and sister had to wash up the breakfast things and set the table.

We all had to hoover, dus and clean bathrooms.
We also all took turns in doing the washing and ironing.

We only got pocket money if we had done ours chores.

It is hard isn't it - DS1 who is also 16 does exactly the same thing telling me his friends do nothing at home but their parents tell me differently .

I had a whole list of chores when I was his age and wouldn't want him to have to do as much as I did but I insist he does the following:

1.Empties and re-loads the dishwasher once a day.

2.Keeps his room tidy. I'm fairly flexible on this and don't expect it to be up to my standards as long as it's not a health hazard!

3.Take the wheelie bin out for the binmen / sort and put out the recycling depending on which week it is.

4.Does the drinks for everyone as I'm dishing up dinner.

He will also cook easyish meals (spag bol, chilli etc) if I'm going to be late home but this isn't all that often. I have to constantly remind.....ok - nag him to get his jobs done but they always get done eventually and very much in his own time. As Lizziemum said, they need to learn how to do the basics to equip them for adult life. Good luck!

DS1(13) is expected to keep his room tidy, bring clothes downstairs to laundry basket, empty his bin etc. He has to help me change the sheets on his bed as it's a high bed and very awkward for one. All three kids (others are 8 and 4) have to set the table and clear up after meals. DS1 is responsible for getting kids' drinks. I keep meaning to get him to do more but he babysits his siblings to earn money and TBH that's more valuable to me than his doing lots of housework! I would count a 16 year old pretty much as an adult though and would expect a lot more help.

my dd (13) does exactly what sunnydelight's ds does, but she is also expected to co-ordinate the tidying up of toys from the living room. I don't care if she does it herself, or makes the little ones do it, as long as I don't have to bother about it. She also sometimes does the hoovering.

She doesn't babysit though.

If anyone has got a way of making their teens do jobs... please let me know (answers on a postcard!)

Trouble is... I don't give mine pocket money as they have part time jobs, so I can't withold that.

I cajole, shout, and try every tactic under the sun but I can't get them to do that much consistently.

I refuse to give DD2 lifts and then she will do something. DD1 can drive, so that doesn't work.

Yes, their bedrooms are tidyish (not enough for me... but not bad) but as for doing anything else.... very very difficult.

Thanks everyone for your comments at least I know I'm not on my own.

mine are 6 & 7. I've recently (at the w/e) made their bed time 8.30 instead of 7.45. In the extra time, while I'm putting ds3 into bed, they have to tidy up downstairs, inc clearing the table. They also have to tidy their bedrooms every week. and the playroom. They help with the shopping everyweek (one goes shopping with dh, the other stays with me and does more housework, such as hand held hoover on stairs. we do about an hour cleaning then the reward is 1-2-1 playing/ whatever they choose to do with me. No money changes hand.

at 16 she needs to do miles more. imo.

not old fashioned to pull your weight or learn to look after yourself.

Well, I remember teaching a 16 year old a few years ago, who cleaned entire house (incl 2 bathrooms) and made tea for her little brother.

She said it was because her mum worked hard, and she helped out. Don't think she was lying. it seems a lot of them do chores from my experience in teaching. Ironing seems a popular one for girls.

We have 3 teenage boys in our house. All have to be forced to do anything. Pro-active is not the word. Then they will do it wrong or not finish it, because they can't be bothered. It REALLY REALLY pisses me off no end

make them do it again until it is finished properly, maybe then they'll do it right next time? Sounds like typical man ploy of doing something so shit you prefer to do it yourself, thus perpetuating woman feeling agrieved and man being lazy git getting away with it.

Get tough!

My dd 15yr

Sets the table
Washes up and tidies kitchen after supper,I help her as we have a good natter while we do it.

Her room is usually a mess but she tidies it once a week.

She will tidy and hoover if I ask but very reluctantly.

I think she could do more but she is really busy with school work and other extra curriculum stuff.

if it's any consolation my 2 DSs still at home do bugger all. One will sometimes make the dinner without being asked but otherwise we seem to spend our time nagging while they do nothing. The younger one (15) loads the dishwasher (badly and doesn't set it off) but asking them to do anything usually results in strops and arguments. It drives me mad especially when I think how much I had to do at their age.

Problem is we don't give them money so there are no sanctions. If I ban the computer then the 15 yo won't watch his dog and I get stuck with it. Can't win.

thankfully I haven't quite reached teenage yet (dd 11) but she does know the rules of the house. I am a SAHM and whilst I don't expect her to put the disherwasher on, I do expect that stuff to go in it is put next to it and not just left for me to pick up. She is still quite nice tho, if I ask her to unload it, she will and put some washing on and recently yes enjoys the ironing! I have no doubt that it will all change, but I am sure I will be of the opinion - no help - no pocket money! (Ask me again in 2 years!!)

Makes me realise how much I used to do at 16!
My mum worked full time then, so I was 'mum' and had to peel potatoes, cook dinner for when dad got in, help wash up, do homework and look after my 10 yr old sister. I did hang out washing and stuff like that too.
I think it's important to learn life skills. I left home at 19, and at least I could cook for myself and use a washing machine!
'Tidying your room'- to me this is not a chore, it's politeness. It is your parent's home, you keep it clean! Can't stand lazy teenagers!

With a 16 year old, if I was really at my wits end, I would stop cooking and washing for her if she refused to help at home. Plus I'd tell her that if she didn't feel it was appropriate to help at home, then I would feel it was appropriate to charge her for whatever food she eats and take half her earnings as keep.

It is rather extreme, but no so different to when I have gone on "strike" with DH before for him not being helpful enough. He copped on once he ran out of clean shirts.

My DD is 11 and tends to roll her eyes at me when I ask her to do something. She gets occasional jobs like washing up, tidying sitting room, taking out the recycling. She also has to keep her room tidy-ish, bring down her laundry as soon as she's asked, change the towels in her bathroom, change her own sheets (and make up and change beds if she has anyone to stay). Umm... She has to put away her own laundry. Sounds like a lot when you write it all down, but it's mainly about her keeping herself and her own environment clean and tidy. She can't do more than a few minutes a day, but it does save me oodles of time traipsing up and down to the top floor of the house. We don't have a cleaner at the moment, but we usually do and she still has to do those jobs. My rationale to her is that I work hard to pay the cleaner - she doesn't and she also needs to learn how to do these things for the future.

If she wants to earn money I pay her 50p per large item she irons. Her small t-shirts and things are at a rate of about 25p. I always make her do some of my stuff on these occasions as it needs to feel like "work" IMO. She gets paid a couple of quid for bigger jobs like cleaning (in the loosest possible sense) the kitchen or her own bathroom.

Incidentally, by 17 I was living in flat, alone, with a small baby, doing EVERYTHING for myself, living on next to nothing and also finishing my last year of secondary school, so I don't think asking a 16 year old to help around the house is unreasonable.

I agree twelveyeargap!

I used to earn £35 a week doing a yt course of 40 hours a week at this age, and had to pay £15 a week to my parents, and pay bus money to get there - as well as do chores.

Some teenagers today can seem lazy and have it too easy. God, I am showing my age now..

My 13,12 and 10 year old do own rooms, load and unload dishwasher and do surfaces every night. On Sun afternoon we all do big clean together - takes about two hours. They also hang up and put away ironing as I do it. They are great. Start em young - the 18 monther loves to load washer after I have sorted. I am pt teacher and believe that if you get balance right being useful can really help child's self esteem!

At 16 I did many household chores but my Mother was a lone working Parent with 3 children therefore if I didn't help out we'd have lived in a pig sty with a very angry tired Mother!

If I had a 16yr old whom refused to do some chores I'd find the one thing that would really hurt them to lose & take it away.

Tidying your room at 16 is not a chore imo!

I had a friend when I was in secondary school who earned about £15 doing a Saturday job. He had to hand over about a fiver to his mum, as far as I can remember, because she said that everyone in the house who was earning, was a contributor. It still seems a little harsh to me, but then his brother was working full time and handing over 30% of his wages to his mum, so I suppose it was fair after all.

Mydd1 whose 16 is exactly the same. Doesnt want to help, doesnt see why she should, none of her friends help their mums. We have put our collective feet down, under duress she will wash up, bring dirty clothes down, help with dinner, hoover (whilst continuously moaning under her breath that she has to do everything in the house, noone else ever lifts a finger!), irons her own clothes and a few other small jobs ocassionally. These she usually does very badly and we have yet to find a way round that one! The one that is really annoying at the moment is refusing to find a saturday job, apparently all her friends mums just give them loads of money or buy them whatever they want! I think not somehow!

I have two daughtersstill at home aged 15 and 17. They bothe take turns in cleaning the bathroom along with DH and me so they do that onse every 4 weeks ( it used to be once every 5 when DD1 was at home), tidy and clean thier rooms,clear the table, sort out their dirty washing either puting it into the washing machine or in to the laundry basket, put away their clean clothes and wash up and do other household chores when asked. The 17 year old irons her own clothes, the 15 year old does not do this yet becuase of her dyspraxia but I'm going to start teaching her now.
The 17 year old can cook meals but she doesn't have any confidence in herself and thinks that her food is no good. I need to boost her confidence in this as she will be going to university in about 18 months.
She hasn't got a Saturday job yet but has applied for several nad just has not had any anawers from anyone so she has lost confidence and thinks that she is no good and noone wil want her to work for them.
HAs anyone got any ideas how I could boost her confidence,