DD's mess of a room - should we change tack and make her tidy it?

[lookatmenow]

I know the whole debate of leaving the childs untidy and dirty room alone for them to hopefully sort has been discussed many many times but i'm at the end of my tether and so is DH.

We have left alone as she has asked and we did hope she would eventually get round to cleaning it all up but to no avail, it's getting worse.

What I am wondering is where and why it's advised to leave them to it? DD is 15 and keeps all other area's of the house tidy when asked so why must we leave her to do as she pleases in her bedroom now she's a teenager and we didn't allow it when she was 13?!?!?. A room still within the house which we pay for.

Why is it deemed acceptable for her to do as she pleases in here without consequence. Surely if she knows it has to be of a clean and relatively tidy space she should be able to keep it that way.

My rules are No Food.
And once a week a basic tidy up and everything off the floor so the housekeeper can dust and vacuum properly.

In between, I just shrug.

DD is much more messy than DS. And given half a chance she will spread like a virus.

If she wants to live in a mess leave her to it. She's 15. It really isn't worth the arguments and threats ime. It is her 'space' and I still don't see how one messy room in the house (which is her home as much as yours) 'impacts on you and DH in one way or another.'

We tidied up dsd's room last week after telling her we would do so due to the smell and flea infestation. She totally went hysterical when we found we'd done it and has been sleeping with friends for the last two nights. It had become a public health issue though imo so we had to take action...!

My husband once had an almighty row with our daughter about her messy room. She screamed back " I don't sleep around, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I rarely drink alcohol and don't get pissed, I'm doing well at school but my rooms untidy. What exactly is your problem?" She had a point and whilst he wasn't pleased he conceded she was right.
Her own flat is now spotless but she still drops wet towels at 'home'.

With my kids I expect them to tidy it & I will clean it so if I can't get in once a week to hoover, wipe down furniture etc then I use the "if you can get it back where it belongs before I get it in this bin liner you can keep it" rule... after a few times of being ruthless it has improved & they now know that Friday is my cleaning day so the rooms tend to be tidy before they leave for school.

I've given up on the make up & nail polish stains on the bedcovers with 15yo though & just buy her reasonably cheap bedding from Asda.

We make her tidy it. She has got used to it now but made a massive fuss at first. The joke was that she would come into our room and say how lovely it was and I would find her reading in a chair in our room because her room was so messy and her sofa covered in crap, clean and dirty clothes.

Six months on the attitude has disappeared and she does tidy up. Not to my standards of course but good enough and much better than it was.

Phrases like this And because it might be her room but we paid for everything in it. make me think you don't really respect her right to be an individual. You may have paid for it but you gave it to her, that makes it hers.

I think a lot depends on whether you want her to leave home at 18 or whether you want her to always feel welcome in her home.

It was me who used that phrases frenchfancy.

I do respect my dds right to be an individual. Very much so. However respect goes both ways and if she wants luxuries beyond the basic clothes and furniture she looks after them or she doesn't have them. If she doesn't respect the work that me and dp do in order for her to have nice things then she loses them.

I am not being told by a 12 year old what standards of house keeping we have. It's her room and her space but it's kept reasonably clean and tidy otherwise she loses things.

We don't live in a show home by any means. But I don't accept dirty clothes on the floor, clean clothes anywhere other than the wardrobe or drawers and dirty pots come downstairs. I hoover once a week and the dusting is her job.

Once she is old enough to have her own place and buy her own things it's up to her what she does.

I don't think it does them any favours allowing them to live in squalor. It certainly doesn't hurt to make their room their responsibility and insist on minimum standards. To be honest since a big chat last summer she doesn't really need telling much now and does it automatically. Which means she can have friends in whenever she wants rather than me saying no because her bedroom is a state.

Frouby - I'm in total agreement with you.

I just don't see why once they reach a certain age (15?) we no longer can express a wish that they keep their area tidy when the previous years before this we have been asking them to clean up any mess they make.

Yes it's their room as is the kitchen and other rooms in the house but we should back off from their bedroom as we don't spend time in there?!?! I don't spend time on the other sitting room as this is where the kids hang out but they have to leave ''tis tidy and do.

The statement that they could be doing much worse is ridiculous, its expectations of what is expected from them surely? What if they clean up and bedroom is spotless but they took drugs every weekend, is that the trade off?

I have spoken with DD and have agreed on no clothes on floor, bin emptied and make up away by Friday evening otherwise I'm in their Saturday and will move it all.

Her bedroom was recently decorated and new furniture etc as we moved into house 18mths ago

I have tried hard, but failed, to instill fundamental concepts of personal hygiene and domestic order in DSS2. DSS1 is fine (not perfect - clean but sometimes messy) and DD is absolutely perfect!

I've given up on DSS2 and he knows he cannot come home and continue the way he usually behaves, so he doesn't come home! He stays with his mother or his GF whose tolerance for bacteria is far greater than mine (or DD's, DP's and DSS1's). DSS1 gives DSS2 a hard time over his general disgustingness, as does DD...

Clutter, yes. Skank - no. That is dirty.

And the more clutter, the less service. Washing, new items, wi fi etc.