DD behaviour out of order.

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I don't know where to start as it has been going on for so long. Our eldest is ruining family life. It is as if she never got over having siblings and we are going back 11 years now.
Apart from she has always been incapable of sharing with others.
She has had episodes in school and at home where she has hurt people but denies it.
We have tried to contacy jsut about any cahrity to find help for her and us and in the end called social care as her behaviour is intolerable.
Sge has never thought much of studying and homework and her infant and junior school didn't ask for any. Now she feels she hasn't got to study for anything. She has made allegations in primary school which have cost me my job and they were unfounded, simply because she didn't want to go to school and had a gripe with me.

She hurts her siblings, steals money from us and has tried to sell siblings items in school. Schoolwork is beyond her and she is failling every subject to which school says not everyone is a Grade a student. Fine but she doesnt evene want to try. She had teachers writing in her book for her.
She is volatile, lies, screams followed by seeking sympathy. Every teacher has noted that she does the minimum and only wants to work with certain people. Her bedroom is a mess (it stinks), she doesn't lift a finger but wants to be praised and pampered like a queen.
Social care and school put the blame firmly on us.
Last week items were missing and she was caught at home twice stealing money. Social care threw it back in my face saying it could be the other two. (Now why would my 5 year old feel the need to steal £5 out of a drawer, she doesnt go anywhere alone?)
DD is so manipulative even school and SC are totally fooled. I am walking on eggshells because I never know how to proceed as daughter twists everything.
Yesterday would have been a day to go out and buy things for my youngest as it wasn't available in the shops we went to over the weekend. Daughter did't come home to 5 and immideately burst into a row. She cant be left home alone as I said things go missing.

I had my entire life disected by social care, even been send to a mental health test while daughter can spin her web of lies. I am getting so tired and nobody is there to help me and the 2 other children.

Who is praising and pampering her?
Has she got a mobile phone? - would be cancelling that.
Pocket money? - stopped.
Allowed out? - no way.
Give her details of social housing and benefits advice for when she fails at school and won't be living rent free at home.

Social services told us We are responsible she steals, WE should simply give her more pocket money, praise her all day and if it's just for putting on shoes or flushing the loo, keeping the bathroom dor shut.

Just going to pick up the other 2 will be back later

We have been told by school she is doing great (even though math is not even a 1 and all other subject are 1 to 3s in year 8.) She wont get anywhere near A grade or 8 and 9s according to school. (But she is doing great, what a load of rubbish.)
We are not supposed to ask were she is and when she comes home (according to social services we are to harsh, interfering too much in her life school work and according to school have too high expectations.)
School has run out of cash so is asking for a contribution of £10 a month. If I am paying for school I can have expectations that my children are learning something or can I not?
The world has nuts around me. Waiting for the day I am supposed to bow to her just because I put her into this world.

Unfortunately this sounds very familiar with a foster child we have. Have you considered asking for a special needs assessment, autism springs to mind with some of the behaviours, seeing the world in a very different way. Insist on an assessment of need for her.

Take off all pressure to work regarding school, stick to the absolute essentials of ensuring that her personal hygiene remains good. Don't accept her hurting siblings. Keep all valuables locked in your room. Keep a daily diary of her behaviour both good and bad and what she is doing. See if there is a pattern to her behaviour or not, in relation to what she has been doing prior to any change in bahaviour, time of day, who is around her etc.

Please get her assessed as soon as possible.

We had DS tested for autism as his former school couldn't deal with him. Turned out he has a high IQ but is dyslexic and dyspraxic, he is just bored in school. To get to an Autism test we waited 3 full years.
She has (apparently) a normal IQ and no dyspraxia etc. traits.
Local cahms is under funded and brushed us off.

You can't even breath when we have a good day because the next few are going to be hell on earth for us.

She is very calculating and really crawls up the back of her head of year and social worker. When they are in our home she is as sweet as pie.

Because she doesn't play up in front of them they put the blame for her behaviour firmly on us.
As if I would make it up.

They have just empowered her by saying: She steals so give her more pocked money. Don't question were she goes even if she doesn't turn up when she was expected.
She has eaten herself to a size 16 but we are just supposed to fill her school account up and let her eat.
I am now feeling manipulated from every side. It's like she would be better off living somewhere else because I would like to see how long she can hold up her false front for other people 24/7

You sound like you really dislike her. Why are SS involved?

Why do you say she apparently has an average IQ, do you not believe it?

You said your son was assessed for autism, but I take it that your daughter was not assessed, just brushed off. Social services got a mental health assessment on you, but not your daughter? Why not ask for further assessments to be done to assess your daughter's well being? If she had assessments when she was younger, why not suggest that a further assessment is needed urgently as things are deteriorating.

Is your ds now receiving help at his new school? Is it the same school as your daughter? What about your third child, are they showing signs of special needs too?

Perhaps a short period in voluntary fostercare for your daughter might help her and you both re-establish your relationship, and for someone else to fight for her to be assessed. Depends on your local social services what they could provide.

Autism can present differently in girls. Not all professionals understand this. So that's something to look into. You could call the NAS helpline and look atthegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk. I am not saying this is the problem , just something to look at.
It might also be worth seeing if your local library has books such as "how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk "and "the explosive child"
Also look at opposition defiant disorder, and pervasive demand avoidance.
Even if it's just for techniques to try