14 year old daughter - extremely quiet and shy

[user1487608026]

Hi there,

we are having a time with my daughter which we could do with a little help/advice on if possible. A bit of background, myself and my daughters mother are separated since she was approx 2 years old and we are both now re-married, i currently have my daughter for the full weekend every third weekend and speak to her during each week. I feel close to my daughter and have a good relationship with her but it gets pointed out to me more and more especially by her step mum that she is extremely quiet all the time and barely speaks when at ours and comes across rude when she sure isnt. She is fine when she first comes, says hi and gives hugs etc but sometimes comes in and barely speaks. Please will say hi to her and asks how she is which she responds hi as well and something like "im fine" but never asks anyone back or tries to extend the conversation but does speak as and when she feels she has something important to add. It really grates on me when people point out how shy and quiet she is as she seems happy in herself and i see myself in her growing up i was exactly the same and barely left my mums side for years and could not stand in front of class speaking etc. Now being 33 i still has social anxiety speaking at work etc but have grown to look un-shy even though i still struggle. Anyway, she moved school last September to another local school due to poor teaching and issues with an old friend there. She made new friends at the new school but all seem the total opposite to her really loud and obnoxious and have now gone their separate ways due to them stating she barely speaks etc etc but now found another individual friend who is more on her wave length. The teachers all say she is so quiet and barely know she is there and need to put her hand up more and get involved. Just wondering if any other parents have this similar issue and what i could do to help her in any way?

Thanks all.

What does she like to do? Are there any clubs inside the school or out with something that she likes music, languages, arts, horseriding, sports, Guides or whatever it is that she is into that she could join that would boost her confidence and maybe help her make some new friends who like the same things? A school move is a big thing I think at that age so maybe will take her a while to settle. Could the school get her a buddy? I have 2 kids (10 and 13) and are noticing they are both getting more and more shy in company - especailly with other adults but seem better with their friends.

Sorry just picked up the part that she has made a new friend. I'd be encouraging that - take them out to have fun together - whether it's shopping, swimming or whatever they would like to do - that will help her to have one good friend.

She is who she is
Best thing you can do is reassure her about herself and not making her feel bad, guilty or deficient for not being more outgoing
She'll find her way - but she needs a safe non judgemental and secure environment to do that where people accept her for who she is

Sounds like me as a teenager. I was really quiet and didn't say much in class either. I grew out of it though. Once I got a bit of independence I had to start being more up front. I say let her get on with it. Sounds like typical teenage behaviour to me. Not everyone is loud and confident. It's good that she's found a friend more on her wave length. Definitely encourage that.

Have you talked about this with her mum?

Thanks for the replies guys.

She likes Art, Reading and alone time to herself and doesnt really go out with her friends out of school at all. Asked her fried over last weekend but she cancelled at the last minute so will give that a go another time. I am happy with her being how she is and accept this is how she is but it is when other people get involved and start commenting etc etc which gets to me that just dont understand that people can just be quiet individuals without there being an issue behind it. I have read a few posts about others teens being Introverts, would my daughter fall into this category?

Have not talked about this with her mum as yet as dont really get to see her but will try this week.