trouble with teen daughter

[jennysunny]

my 13 year old daughter is constantly telling me she hates her life because i'm her mum. I had her relatively young (21). We just constantly argue and the looks I get off her are of pure hatred. I didn't have the best upbringing and was deprived of a lot so I vowed to be the best I could for my daughter and give her everything she wanted that I could afford. I am worried now that I have spoilt her too much and made her into a 'spoilt brat' she has no respect for me or her father and shouts and talks to us worse than something you have trod in. If I ask her to empty the dishwasher or tidy her room in just ends up in a screaming match with me in tears and ruining the night so I try not to ask too much. I really at the end of my tether and am starting to get a little depressed and thinking maybe she would prefer if I moved away?

I have tried taking her phoneand ipad etc off her but it just results in her hating me more then I feel sorry or her and give them back within a day or 2

That's your problem.
Don't give in. Ever.
Be clear with expectations and calmly explain what consequences will follow if she doesn't do as you ask.
She doesn't hate you. She's angry.
You don't argue with a child?! If she's rude don't bite back. Remind her what you expect and then calmly issue a consequence.

easier said than done wolfiefan. I know I am far too soft, I lost my brother to suicide at a young age and this is always in the back of my mind when she tells me shes hates her life, that's why I buy her things and let her get away with so much cos I just want to keep her happy

I have a wannabe teen (12)- be strong! I have linked pocket money to weekly chores, if she does everything I ask (she has a list), she gets "paid". If she only does half... half the pay! It seems to be working, as she likes to go out with friends and buying things like make-up.
Before I introduced this system, I had a chat with her about puberty, feeling angry/ sad/... and that it is normal. BUT, if she feels like shouting down the house, she should go to her room till calmer and able to communicate in a normal voice. (Yes, I have to remind her of this regularly!!!)

Sorry, posted to soon!

Don't argue with her and stay calm- you are still a role model. And privileges come with good behaviour.

she keeps telling me she wishes I was a normal mum like her friends mums. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I will try the pocket money thing as she usually just asks me to get her makeup etc and I just get her it even when I say I wont. I'm far too soft but I just don't want to be the bad one not getting her things that all her friend have

I'm not a role model, she can't stand me

But you're not actually keeping her happy are you? Teens will push again boundaries and make stupid choices. Their bodies and world changes rapidly and they have lots of stress and peer pressure to contend with. They need parents to be consistent and predictable. Will she kick against some rules? Hell yeah! Is that normal and healthy? Totally.
Buying her everything she could possibly want and caving in to all demands when she throws a strop won't make her happy in the long run or lead to an adult equipped to deal with life.
And no it's not easy. It's hard. Being a parent is.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Maybe you can find some useful advise on YouTube? Lots of good stuff there. Also, about tidying the room. Maybe it's enough to just close the door? At some point she'll start tidying it (well beyond your limits, sure). If she spreads her stuff all over the place, just dump it in her room onto the floor. Let her shout if she wants to, but if the shouting doesn't give the desired effect, then what's the point in shouting? She is probably doing it because it pays off, and has paid off in the past.

no she is definitely not happy! I will try keep calm and count to 10 when she starts but she just makes me so angry when she talks to me the way she does, I was always respectful to my elders especially my parents. that's why I cant understand why shes like this. I am going to have a talk with her tonight (if she'll listen) and set rules about what she has to do if she wants me to buy her things. and sorry but closing the door on her bedroom when it is a tip is a definite no no (slightly OCD with house cleaning)

Pick your battles OP. Really do! Decide on the things you can live with and the things that are non negotiable.
Consequences need to be fair and immediate. It's no good banning all tech for a month. What do you do when she plays up tomorrow?!
You need to be consistent. You can't say no but then cave and say yes. She needs to know where she stands.
And yes it's hard. Relentless. But the aim is to grow a decent adult.

My children are very messy, especially the teenagers. Asking them to tidy their bedrooms is like banging my head against a brick wall! I have decided to pick my battles and if they choose to live in a room that is untidy then it's up to them. I never collect their cups, plates etc and they're responsible for sorting out their own washing (well they put it by the machine but that's good enough for me). If it's not put there I don't wash it!

I find with my 15 yo dd that if she is rude she gets nothing. I won't pay her phone bill, pocket money etc. I always tell her I'm her mother not her friend and I don't care if she doesn't like me because I love her and everything I do is to keep her safe and to be happy. I'm not strict but I set boundaries and whilst she means she has confessed she quite like that I do this!

Good luck, hopefully it's just hormonal and she's grow out of it soon enough

Screaming matches at her age aren't uncommon hun. Hormones etc are getting in the way of rational thinking. But when she's shouting and screaming like this and you're giving in to her just to keep the peace, then she's won. It's EXACTLY what she's wanting. She knows if she kicks off then you'll give in and those chores you asked her to do, well she'll get away with not having to do them because you've relented and backed down to her. So while you're crying and hurting, she's sat laughing in her room thinking "got out of that one again!"
You're not a bad Mum and alot of teens say they hate their live's ( it's becoming a new phrase, I've heard it alot!)and they hate their parents etc. But it's just because they are at that age, high school, hormones, peer pressure, boys etc.
Have you spoilt her too much? Maybe so. But it's easily done especially when you've not had a cracking upbringing yourself. It's sooo easy to over compensate with your own kids. I didn't have a fantastic time from being 12 as my Dad fell ill with mental health issues and life was like walking round on eggshells as we didn't know what kind of mood he was going to be in from one day to the next. We didn't have a lot of money either.
I don't judge people who spoil their kids, each to their own but in my experience, the kids who are spoilt are the ones who lack respect because everything is too easy. They get things without needing to ask and they think they should get respect without earning it. At the same time they have little respect for others. When they are young it's easy to spoil them. However when they get older it gets harder because they want the lastest gadget, phone, iPad etc and it's not cheap and that's when u have to start saying no. When they've been used to gettin what they want and you suddenly start telling them no it's such a big shock to the system.
She doesn't really hate you and you must never ever think that moving away is the best thing to do. Youre her Mum and as much as they hate to admit it at their age, she needs you in her life.
Have you tried speaking to a family member about your feelings? Someone neutral who your DD is close to who can speak to your DD and tell them that she can't treat you like that because it's upsetting you so much?
You really need to set some ground rules and tell her "like it or not, this is how it is and your behaviour is totally unacceptable". I would not stand for my kids screaming and shouting at me like that. It's easy to scream and shout back but don't! That's what they're wanting. Sometimes it's easier to give them a taste of their own medicine and say 'whatever" and just ignore them when they're carrying on. Walk away, don't react. And watch her reaction when she can't get a reaction out of you!

Just to add...Her friends mum's are possibly giving into their kids left right and centre and letting them get away with stuff. Because you're arguing back and trying to state your point and trying your best to keep her in the straight and narrow, she sees this as not being normal because she seen her friends get away with so much? Or possibly on the other hand her friends have more respect for their parents than she has for you and so they don't need to scream and shout at their parents xx

Your job isn't to to make her happy, it's to help her grow up into a decent adult who makes good decisions for herself. You need to remember this. You can even see that that giving in to her doesn't actually make her happy. You sound like a great, loving mum. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. She will appreciate them when she is older.

Op, I am dealing with the same thing and you have all my sympathies, it is so hard.

I don't think it is because you are a young mom, I'm an old mom and my dd says she hates me too

Those of us who didn't have great upbringings are at a disadvantage because we don't have a great example to follow, we over-compensate and we are not as confident in ourselves (which our teens can sense)

You MUST get the book "Get out of my life, But first take me and Alex in to town" the very first pages discuss starting arguments in order to get out of tasks. This book has been a huge help to me.

Good luck! Stay strong

I totally agree with thethoughtfox.
It's not about making her happy, some kids have everything...A stable home, loving family, yet for whatever reason they are still not happy. And there's no kids worse than teenagers!!
Your job is to be there to love her nomatter how difficult she's being, to advise and support her and a shoulder to cry on should she need it.
I think you are trying too hard to make her happy. By trying too hard you're also letting your boundaries slip and she can see this...So she's pushing you. My daughter got bullied and i felt so sad for her. I over compensated by spoiling her for a few months, just because I was so heartbroken for her and I thought that by letting her have stuff that she wanted would make her happier. But then she started taking advantage of me, asking for stuff constantly and with 2 other kids to think about I woke up and realised I couldn't do it anymore. Last year was all about her, I'm not going to lie. Endless trips to school to sort these bullies out, phonecalls, meetings with the new school, shopping trips to make her feel better, nails doing, new clothes...All my attention was on her. Just before Christmas I needed to go get a few bits for my other 2 kids for school plays etc and she saw something and asked for it expecting me to say yes. But I didn't. Her face dropped a little bit and I said look, this year has been all about you, I know it's not your fault what happened and I felt bad for you and what you had to go through but it's over with now, you've moved schools, I've got your brother and sister to think about too. She didn't argue, she thanked me for my support and said yes mum, I know. Is she happy? Yes she is. Does she get everything she wants now? No she doesn't. But she's not complaining about it.

I've had a similar experience with my son (also had a suicide in the family).

What I've come to realize is that the outside is always a reflection of the inside. Your daughter is probably exploiting feelings of guilt and unworthiness that were probably in you way before she came along. It sounds like you are responding from a place of pain and fear. Effectively the upset child in you is running the show.The answer is to heal these feelings of guilt and powerlessness. There's many websites and techniques that can help you do this and its incredibly effective.

I pandered to my son and as a result he hates my guts. He has zero respect for me. He's not in my life anymore. As others say it's not your job to make her happy, it's your job to help her be a functioning kind person. It is highly damaging to her to allow her to behave like this. I feel for you, your comments about you moving away are heartbreak.

Where is her dad in this ?

I was also a young mother and her dad vanished so I over compensated to it's easily done but so hard to undo. Dd hates me also but most mums I know get "I wish you were like so and sos mum" seems to be the line when you say no. Pay no attention she loves you really but might not show it for a few years yet ! I found detatching saved me from misery , I don't beat myself up anymore , if it's no that won't change however much she blackmails/emotionally manipulates me. I'd leave the room I gave up on that but have clear expectations as to what she has to do to get any pocket money, treats and extra money can be earnt (but she rarely does she's lazy). If she speaks to me like dirt I take money off/ban sleepovers if she's warned but doesn't stop but my dd is extreme and will still test it but she's slowly getting the hint. I don't engage in arguments anymore and if she persists I leave the house with the dog so she can argue with herself! It is hard though I bite my tongue every day but try not to engage in shouting just say - that's the way it is and leave !

Op - how does your DD behave outside of home? If she is doing ok at school and behaves politely at friends houses then she (and you) are not doing as badly as you may think!

The "Get out of my life" book explains that teenage behaviour is split between trying to gain independence away from us (taking responsibility for themselves) and then coming home and reverting to "baby self" behaviour. Obviously, as parents, we get the lion's share of the latter.

Thank you everyone for your advise, it has really helped a lot. This morning when she started telling me she needed new trainers I just said you'll have to save up for them, asked her if she wanted a cup of tea then walked into the kitchen. She stormed off up the stairs but no shouting match. Her father works long hours so only sees a very small part of what really goes on. He has spoken to her and told her she is upsetting me but she doesn't respect him either so whatever he says goes in one ear and out the other. I am going to look for the book today that has been recommended a few times. Thanks again everyone

Oh and she is doing brilliantly at school, her grades are higher than average She has a nice group of friends, very popular and quite often gets notes sent home informing me of her good behaviour .

You clearly love yiur daughter and want her to be happy.

You just have to re evaluate what it is that makes children happy - and that is usually boundaries and knowing someone cares enough to put those in place and stick to them! Seems simple but it's the easiest cycle of negativity to get into.

I've watched a very close friend get into it. Life I'd miserable. Her DD want something, she immediately says no, there's yelling and screaming and then they get it. If they want lifts they get them. She won't make weekend plans because she doesn't know what her girls want to do and what lifts they need and then similarly when she's dropped them some where won't meet for coffee in case they need transporting elsewhere and needs to go.

They are not happy children. They struggle to understand rules are there for a reason and apply to them. They also flit from friend to friend because they fall out with those who's parents won't let them out until homework is done or chores are done - they want readily available friends.

I believe the best way (I may be wrong!) is to increase independent etc in a logical order. So start with sorting own bags, making own lunch, laying table. If a child wants to go out with friends they need to be able to earn the money to go and get on a bus or walk to go. It's not realistic to be making a 13yo breakfast, tidying up after them, dropping hemp here's hey want to go and handing out cash. There's no sense of acheivement or independence involved. I truely believe teens need to feel that sense of acheivement and earning rewards and knowing the lipstick they've just bought was due to their efforts - not just because mum gave them a tenner to shut them up!

Everything you've done so far has come from a real position of love. Therefore you are best placed to make positive changes because they will also come from a position of love.

my own ds has ASD and comes with his own set of challenges! I truely empathise with that feeling of thinking you are doing your best and what's right and it biting you firmly on the arse

My dd was hideous at that age (search my threads) I used to go to bed in tears after another battle over bedtimes/phone/I pad etc. She also seemed to dislike me and was snide to me when she got the chance.
She was disrespectful too and would go mental when I asked her to pick up her own wet towel, dirty knickers etc.
We both love the arts and used to sing together in the car then suddenly she'd be eye rolling and telling me to be quiet.
At the time I was training in a type of parenting strategy called NVR which is more for violent children but I adopted some of the principles and it helped a lot.
She is just 15 and we are really close again and she's much more respectful. Still not perfect if course but we are much happier.
I think 13 is the worst age. Hormones but zero maturity.
I have a 6 yr old dd and I'm dreading it.
Happy to pm you some strategies if you like.
Hang in there and don't be afraid to refuse favours for rudeness.

Remember that they are incapable of empathy or much impulse control so stop expecting it. Think toddler just bigger.