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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

New Ground Rules? Or not?

14 replies

CP3 · 23/06/2004 17:25

My DD has just taken her last GCSE and has officially finished secondary school. And how i see it is a new chapter in her life and dont know what to do about the ground rules.

Up untill now she was allowed out only on weekends and school holidays and not at all when taking her exams. Harsh? Maybe but she respected the rules and never made a fuss. I allowed her to go to one off party's and she had friends over to sleep so i wasnt a total ogre of a mum.

Now however she is free to do as she pleases. She has no school and college isnt untill September, which again is a whole new ball game from school. Im unsure what ground rules i should lay down for this age group. I dont want it to turn into a 'whilst youre living under my roof and ' you treat this house like a hotel' scenario,iyswim.

OP posts:
Janstar · 23/06/2004 17:41

You sound as if you are getting on better with your teen than I do with mine so advice from me might not be ideal! However, it sounds like you have a great relationship already. So why not sit down together and talk about what each of you thinks are important points in living together in the same house and discuss what is and isn't acceptable. It sounds like your dd will welcome the new freedom she will enjoy and not abuse your home if she continues to be as fair as she has in the past.

Sounds like you're the sort of person who could give me a few pointers with my difficult dd - well done on a good parenting job.

Original poster
CP3 · 23/06/2004 18:04

Well i can only tell you what i do Janstar, do you have a girl or boy. With my Dd i have always listened to her views on things and have always reasoned with her and given mine, if ive had to clamp down on something or say no, i always have a reason or two to go with it so it doesnt cause arguemnnts.She is a good girl and im very proud of the job i have done especially as ive done it alone. Im under no illusions that shes a little bugger when shes out with her friends, but i was that age once so i know what she is going through. I know she smokes as she told me, i know she has the odd bottle of bacardi breezer as she told me when i asked. I dont know if she is a virgin, she says she is but i dont want to think about that. i put her on the pill a few months back for period pains but also as a saftey measure. Teenage hormones and all that.

Thank you for your praise Janstar.Made my day.

OP posts:
luckymum · 23/06/2004 18:09

CP3 - I know just how you feel. Ds1 had his last exam today and I am now the proud parent of a school leaver. Apart from making me feel ancient, I'm also worried about this new freedom. No saying 'No, because its a school night/revision/exam' and so much time on their hands (plus a long-term girlfriend in tow) there are no end of problems that could arise. Me and dh are planning a little chat at the weekend to hopefully agree new terms......watch this space

luckymum · 23/06/2004 18:10

I must say I'm dreading when dd gets to this stage......so much more to worry about.

Janstar · 23/06/2004 18:23

My eldest dd is 14, nearly 15. She has been horribly damaged by her father, my ex, long story, but is a troubled and very difficult girl to handle. My other children are great, don't show signs of the same type of problems, so I can be fairly sure that I can attribute her difficulties to her dad's revolting behaviour in the past. He is no longer allowed contact, but the damage is evident all the time.

I'm even more impressed now you tell me you did it alone. I raised my two dds alone for 5 years before I met dh and I know how hard it can be.

aloha · 23/06/2004 18:46

I agree with Janstar. I think asking her what she thinks are reasonable house rules before you suggest any of your own at all will show her respect and encourage a spirit of cooperation. And she sounds so nice I bet she will surprise you with her ideas. I think if you were to start your conversation by saying that you see it as a new chapter in her life (and yours as her mum) that would be very impressive. It sounds like you've done a great job so far - as have you Janstar. Your daughter couldn't ask for a better mum. Just a shame about her dad

Original poster
CP3 · 23/06/2004 18:49

Sorry to hear about your DD, i really can sympathise with you. My Dd was assulted a year ago last christmas by her stepbrother (her dad's wife's kid) and it was a terrible time for us.Dont no how we got through it but we did. It has left her panicky and nervous in male company and her confidence took a huge nosedive which is only now returning but often takes a knockback by a male making a comment, innocent or not she doesnt know how to handle it.

I have two more children now and worry if they will turn out the same as DD,as in good iyswim,with a male influence around i mean. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it which luckily is a long way off.

OP posts:
Original poster
CP3 · 23/06/2004 18:54

Thanx Aloha and Lucky mum and Janstar. I will sit down with her this weekend and have a chat. Ill let you know how i get on and viva versa please Luckymum.

Jan? Did you do the counselling bit? We did but it made matters worse!

OP posts:
Janh · 23/06/2004 20:19

CP3 and Janstar, I think you are both amazing to have got this far and retained your sanity!

DS1 has one more exam on Friday and then he's free. He will not be 16 until mid-July but he knows he has to get a part-time job ASAP (we don't do pocket money past 13/14 - he had a wash-up job from last summer until mocks and has been using his savings since then - not a lot left now) and I'm relying on that to keep him grounded - his term-time hours will only be 12 a week, I hope, but he can do lots more in the holidays and that should keep him out of mischief.

CP3 - if my DDs are anything to go by you will find yourself saying "this is not a hotel" at some point, however much you don't want to, unless your DD has enough nous to, eg, return damp towels to the bathroom and dirty glasses to the kitchen. Mine knew they should but chose not to so I assumed they wanted a row and they got it. (Clears the air! )

Janh · 23/06/2004 20:21

btw, re the pill, make sure she is clued up on condoms too - I'm sure she is but it's not just belt-and-braces, it's health-and-safety too.

Original poster
CP3 · 23/06/2004 20:33

Oh Jan, we have toe wet towel thing and the collection of crockery in her room. Teenagers! Bless!
Thanx for the tip about condoms, im sure she knows but i will try and bring it into conversation somehow, im still hopeful that sex is the furthust thing from her mind. But i know when i was 16 it was forefront of my mind 24/7.

OP posts:
Tortington · 24/06/2004 12:59

cant she get a summer job and contribute a little?

Original poster
CP3 · 25/06/2004 08:55

She has a job waitressing at weekends and will be working for me two days a week in the hols. I no longer give her an allowence, but its the other basic going out ground rules im not sure what boundaries to i should set.
Think i will wait and see how Lucky mum gets on with her teenager at the weekend. Definatley taking Alohas advice too and ask her what she thinks is fair.

OP posts:
aloha · 25/06/2004 09:13

I'm 41 in july and still leave cups and glasses by my bed! (and on bookshelves and in the bathroom)
It's not just a teenage thing

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