Cracking under DS 14's constant criticism

[howtocope]

How do you handle criticism from your teen? It seems DS can't speak to me without telling me what I'm doing wrong. Tonight it was that I should've had a full time job (I'm a SAHM) and he would be more confident and independent. Yet he complains whenever he has to get his own breakfast or do anything around the house.

I've tried just blowing it off but it wears me down. Ended up getting upset and in tears tonight which DS says means I'm weak and makes it impossible for him to respect me. Honestly! He can be such a little shit but ignoring it seems to just make him amp it up until he gets a reaction, getting angry is exhausting and does no good, feeling upset draws more criticism. Help!

14 is a difficult age, ds was horrible at that age and now so is dd.
I have no idea of the best way to deal with it I just try and be honest with them.

The only ray of hope is ds is now 18 and now is much more understanding of me not being perfect- he says things like 'fair enough' and 'sorry Mum I know I am very expensive' and 'shall I empty the dishwasher got you?' I'm rather proud of him, not that I take any credit, he just naturally grew up and his attitude has changed.

I find it so funny when parents of children who are pre-teen try to give parents of teenagers advice.
You really have no idea how much dc change when they become teenagers and how bloody challenging their behaviour is.

Yep cowgirl they really do change - almost overnight! And you really have to change gear and learn to deal with them in a completely different way if you are both to survive.

My eldest is 12 but i was reading a book about teenagers in preparation (so am now an expert ) and it was saying not to take things they say personally. Whatever you do will be wrong. Easier said than done of course and i am not looking forward to it. Tell him Michelle Obama's mum was a homemaker but she is a lawyer and seems reasonably confident and independent! Likewise Mary Portas and Holly Willoughby, not retiring wallflowers. Probably many others. The book was called Get out of my Life but first take me and Alex into town.

my ds is 14 and I really sympathise with how frustrating and horrible it is when they talk to you with no respect.
lots of good advice already, but things we have done which seem to work.

-I ignore lots of letting off steam type of talking. If I can exchange a wry smile with dh, then I actually feel like we are in control, and it stops me taking this personally. This is typically when he is asked to do something and we get a storm of It's not fair, none of my friends have to do it, you are such mean parents, but I am BUSY (on x box) etc. I take that as par for the course with teens, let it wash over and repeat the thing he is asked to do. (eg pick up blazer and bag strewn across hall floor).
It does help that he knows I will follow through, so if bag is not picked up I will start to say Bag or Phone???? and he huffs and puffs and picks up bag.

• we expect everyone to speak properly to each other, so if he started saying some of the stuff your ds is saying, I would cut it off with - do not speak to me like that, if you have something to say, please say it properly. If he continues, he is asked to leave the room until he can be with us and be nice. We very rarely pull this one, but pulling it out occasionally does remind him about HOW he is speaking

-On the other hand, I think he often doesn't realise how he question/comment come across, and so sometimes I chose to ignore the less than ideal presentation and comment on his comment, from the perspective of this is my life and my choice and I don't have to justify it, so if he was having a moan about my job and how we don;t have any money (which ds does as I volunteer for a charity) I calmly say - when you are an adult you can chose your lifestyle, we have chosen this one. You are not lacking for anything, you can complain when you are cold hungry. Until then be grateful for what you have and can I remind you that the way you are talking to me is pretty rude.

-occasionally when ds has been really rude, dh has simply said Do not talk to your mother like that. Seeing us back each other up is particularly helpful. And on that note, a united front over discipline is ESSENTIAL.

-when he isn't being rude, we do welcome lots of discussion about everything, and he will ask (grumble) about money and we will talk about why we have made certain choices, and what is important to us, and we have very open and free discussions. Anything allowed, but as a conversation not a rant.

• we deliberately put in Mummy time, even at 14 he still needs it, so I initiate a sofa cuddle and film. He needs love.

lastly, years ago my Mum said to me that the things you are giving him are things which are invisible and he can't see as a child.
So he feels the lack of an x-box, and is comletely unaware that you are giving him love, stability security, support, etc. Those things they will only realise once they are adults.

whoops that was a bit long

I have 3 older kids (youngest is 15). I think when they are rude like this, they are usually trying to say one (or both) of two things: 1) they are trying to separate themselves from you (some kind of biological imperative); 2)they are unhappy (bullying, insecurity, teenage angst, weltschmertz).

The problem is that, since they are just 14 and only beginning to learn how to be adults, they are REALLY bad at dealing with both of these things. An older teen can say, in a good humoured way, some version of: "This is my life; let me make my own choices", or :"My friends are being mean and I need to talk about it". A 14 year old can't usually express this, just like a 2-year-old can't express: "I'm tired", or "I am refusing to eat in order to get some control over my life and piss you off".

I think you hang in there, try to figure out what is going on beneath the surface, don't take things personally, and keep loving your child, always remembering that the important things are your relationship with your child and your child's developing sense of self. I think you want to model communication, empathy, and self-respect, all of which is incredibly hard.

Also, don't let either your child or other MNers tell you that making breakfast, and other loving things you do as a SAHM, are weak or will make your child into a dependent, whiny, man-child. These things also can teach your child that it is important to care for the people you love, that we are all dependent on each other, and that contributing to and being aware of such interdependence is a sign of strength. Learning to care for yourself and others is complicated and there are lots of ways to do it.

Agree about the breakfast thing claraschu
My dc are capable of making their own breakfast and often do but usually DP does it. DP works very long hours and I think he likes still doing this for them. It doesn't mean they'll grow up not knowing how to look after themsleves. They were both taught how to make tea and coffee at a young age. Ds1 happily gets on trains and manages to find his way around places. I think they're pretty independent when they have to be.

With an attitude like that I am impressed he isn't wearing his breakfast as you tip in over his head.

Yes hormones, changing, yada yada - still no reason for being a bullying brat.

I've had my ds break down in tears and apologize for his behaviour during which he's said to me he's confused why he's so angry and unpleasant. Having suffered from PMS pretty much all my adult life I do sympathize. Ordinarily he's an incredible pleasant, caring boy. So, speciistsubject I think you have a rather simplistic attitude towards the OP's problem. I wonder if you would really think that tipping breakfast over the head of anybody, not least a confused teenager, is a good idea?

cowgirl - really agree. There are some days when ds is being a pain, and I can see that he almost can't help himself. I think PMS is a good comparison.
It is really important on those days to not react but to just stay calm.

Also, he still gets like this when he is hungry, just like he did when he was 2!
The difference is I now say to him - you are hungry and it is making you feel bad tempered. Dinner wil be 10 minutes, why don't you go and do xx/ take your bag upstairs/ flop in front of TV and until food is ready. He huffs and storms off, but I want him to begin to listen to his body and learn that when he is hungry he is bad tempered and recognise it.
I can almost see the cloud lift as he eats (but he has always been like this with food)

Thanks so much for taking the time to post.

DH never speaks to me like this. He is a very sweet, kind man. I think sometimes it's our kindness that creates the monster DS can be. We both like caring for the children and doing things for them. DD, who is three years younger than DS, takes more of an initiative when it comes to doing things for herself while DS has always wanted to be waited on. Part of the problem is that I'll set boundaries and then DH will cave. We've talked about it and DH does this because he works a lot and likes to do things for the children when he's home and he also says it's easier to do it rather than make DS do it for himself. We're working on that side of things.

DS can also be horrible to DH. He told DH he had no respect for him last night too but DS does seem to target me.

I think it's true that DS is struggling with his own issues and trying to put the responsibility onto us because it feels like too much for him to handle. Steppemum, thanks so much for your post. You make a lot of reassuring points. And actually, DS is the same with food. He gets very irritable when he hasn't eaten properly.

What do you mean by love bombing? That sounds like a positive concept but I'm not sure what it actually means.

DS is quite independent outside of the house. He makes his way around town on the trains and buses and organises days out with friends. He also ran a small online resale shop for a while. It's just the general attitude at home and the outbursts of vile behaviour. It feels like he hates us most of time and is only tolerating us in between the especially grumpy bits. He was quite ill last week though and, while fighting a high fever, he kept saying how much he loved me and how sorry he was that he didn't say it and that he was so often mean to me. I'm hoping that was peek into his true self and not just delirium.

I make my teens breakfast but they are nice to me and would never speak to me the way your ds speaks to you! I think he needs a massive wake up call. My dh would be livid if any of our dcs.spoke to me like that.

There is a basic drive in adolescence to break the ties that bind them to their parents. They need to prove to themselves and you that they can be their own person and be independent. Sounds like a pretty intense transition in your son's case!

I haven't read all of the replies so if I repeat anything I do apologise but here goes.

Really??A 14 year old child is speaking to you like that ??
I have an 18 yr old ds so I know exactly what you are putting up with as I've had it and do still have it from time to time.

I let it get to me and would avoid the situation rather than correct him for a long time until a friend of mine one day asked me how I would feel if he spoke to a future girlfriend like it?or another family member.
I said I would be mortified and she said well that's what you should think about next time he makes a beeline for you and give him the sharp response he deserves.

Hormones especially boys testosterone gives them this bolshy arrogance at stages in their teens as they are testing the water.

My son criticised me one day and I just thought enough is enough and gave him all barrels.
I told him I was embarrassed by his attitude and arrogance and that if he spoke to other people that way he would deserve what he would possibly get in return!!
He said he didn't speak to other people like it so I told him then he should be bloody ashamed of himself for speaking to the one person in his life that he should respect more than anything like it and how dare he think it's acceptable to criticise a grown adult when he's still wet behind the ears and has no idea yet about life in the big world???
Tell him he has to earn your respect back after hurting you with his viciousness and that you suggest he has a good think about how he would like to be treated himself!
I gave my son the option to redeem himself and cut it out and appreciate what I did and provided for him or I would stop the things he'd come to expect like cooking,breakfast,washing,food treats when doing the shop,lifts to places,organising things for him etc and once he could start behaving like a good mannered young man I would treat him like one.
It worked and he wound his neck in. He still has moments and I generally pull him up on it pretty quickly by telling him he's out of order and to go to another room until he can apologise and be polite and if not then to leave me alone. It soon snaps him out of it again.

I don't believe it's anything to do with him feeling crap other than hormones and testing the boundaries. Every friend I have with sons have come across the same type of thing.

Stop allowing his behaviour and enabling him to do it to you.
If you don't teach him how wrong it is he will grow up thinking it's acceptable to speak to people in that manner and it isn't.

An elevated sense of confidence can be just as damaging to young adults as a low sense of confidence

I've found it really helpful to make it clear that when I do stuff for them, it's not because I have to, or it's part of the job, or I owe it to them. I do it out of choice, because I love them.
I think that everyone in the house thinking it's one person's job to look after everyone else leads, honestly, to the death of gratitude. It means that if you do the thing, they think it's no more than they deserve, and if you don't, they're outraged and resentful, a bit lose- lose.
Whereas explicit 'I do this because I love you and I like doing things for you; I don't HAVE to do anything for you', is good modelling as well as encouraging them to see you as a person, not a slightly unreliable, naggy kind of servant.

www.lovebombing.info/

another thing I have done_
We hit an issue with swearing a couple of years ago.
Rather than rant and fobid it in our house. I sat down with him and explained about what behaviour is expected in a workplace.

He was quite surprised to realise that if you are working, in most contexts you can't swear, or be rude. Whether you are a bank manager or working on the checkout at tesco, there are behavioural standards.
I explained that we expect those of him, because we love him enough to teach him how to do that as normal behaviour. If we didn't expect him to be able to talk without swearing and be able to express an opinion/grievance without being rude, then we wouldn't have taught him the life skills he will need for the workplace.

We also talked about different language in different contexts eg playground v. classroom, and that the language we expect in our home may be different from the way he expresses himself with his friends.

That really sunk in and made him think.

And I have occasionally looked him in the eye and said - would you speak to a teacher like that? well, then, don't speak to me like that.

All of the above though have to be part of a conversation and not a lecture (easier said than done)

The whole breakfats thing. I like doing things for my kids, but overall, is he expecting you to wait on him? How about him occasionally making you a cup of tea? Does he take care of his own stuff, or expect his shoes to magically reappear clean on Monday morning? It isn't the breakfast itself, it is whether he has gotinto a mindset of Mum the slave. Which needs addressing. One way to address it is to expect some chores.

I was very honest about the swearing thing - we don't swear in front of the dcs, they don't swear in front of us. Same at school. A lot of us swear at work! Teachers swear in the staff too, Kids swear in the playground and hope not to get caught. The rules maybe a bit ridiculous but they exist and if you can't figure out when it's ok to swear they you are not old enough to pepper your language with swear words.

Had a long chat with DS tonight and it all came out. How his friends are calling his girlfriend a 'chav', how he feels guilty about how much he's travelled and doesn't appreciate it while gf dreams of travelling but has only been abroad once, etc, etc. We talked about his feelings and how to express them in a healthier way. About how his friends are just envious because gf is a very pretty and very nice girl. A lot of his anger does seem to be discomfort with himself that he's projecting onto us. A lot of guilt about the privilege he's grown up with. I told him things that I assumed he knew like that DH was born in a council house, that my grandparents lived in trailer parks, that DH and I had nothing and worked our nuts off to get where we are now. I know he's heard these things before but they didn't seem to sink in until now. It's weird that he had an idea that we'd somehow been handed everything. I guess he just never thought it through. I also pointed out that I do volunteer work every week and have almost finished a Masters degree as well as all the things I do for the family. He apologised for his behaviour and said that he realises he was being unfair.

I also told him that I'm always happy to talk about his feelings but that I would not be disrespected again and that any time he speaks to me inappropriately he will lose his phone for 24 hours.

God, DD is 11. Am I going to have to go through all this again in a few years?! I'm not sure we'll all survive.

Bensyster, thanks for the link. I've just ordered the book. Sounds wonderful.

Wow, great progress @howtocope. I know it's 3 steps forward & 2 back, but nevertheless well done for this breakthru.

Again, not wanting to sound harsh, if he feels guilty about his privilege, maybe he could start contributing more to the family and society? A bit of graft never hurt anyone.

Oh howto that sounds amazing. (the talk, not te content!)

It is a testimony to the fact your relationship is fundamentally solid that you can have these conversation.
Good for you and good for him too for leraning to appreciate what he has.

I think keeping those lines of communication open is so important and it sounds like you are doing a good job.

We went through a rough patch with ds a few months back, things really improved when he finally admitted he felt angry and had no idea why - I think it is very similar to how pmt can feel. How to your on the road to relationship recovery - well done! We don't do love bombing that often but when we need to rediscover the joy in parenting it really works.