16 yo refusing to come home.

[angus6]

Backstory is that for years our ds has spent far too much time on the internet and gaming. It is something we have struggled to get over to him. We have done all the usual things over the years but nothing's worked. He does no revision for his upcoming GCSEs (and never has done homework), has always refused to take part in after school clubs, extra curricular activities, hobbies etc and rarely leaves the house except to go to school. He resents anything and anyone that takes him away from his console and devices.

On Wednesday evening this week I'd finally had enough and did something I should have done years ago and blocked his access to the wifi.

On Thursday evening he didn't speak to me at all until just as I was going to bed he asked if he could spend the weekend at a friends, he refused to give me the name or address of the friend so I said no.

On Friday evening he didn't come home from school. Dh, dd and I started calling and FBing around and tracked him down at a school friends house. I spoke to the mother who gave me their address but said ds was welcome to stay with her. Dh and I went to the address and asked ds to come home. He refused. We explained he hadn't gone about things the right way and he needed to come home so we could discuss it. He repeatedly refused, unless we were prepared to reinstate his wifi. I said no and behaving like this was not the way the get privileges reinstated. He wouldn't come with us. Dh got angry and got up into ds personal space, but didn't swear at him or touch him. Dh backed off, I continued to try and reason with ds but he was having none of it so we left .

Since then there has been no contact from ds. We live in a village and there is no bus service today, so I can't see ds coming home today.

Dd has told me this weekend that ds and the boy he is staying with have started smoking cannabis. The boy also has a moped that ds is riding pillion on without a helmet.

I don't know what I can or should be doing? He's 16.

What the hell is wrong with the other mother!!? I'd have said to him that he had to go home.
I don't know really what to advise except that my gut is telling me to give up on the wifi argument. Your ds probably has an addiction which needs a more subtle approach than simply switching it off. If it's a choice between him playing on his console or indulging in very risky behaviour, I know which one I would choose.

If you know for certain he is riding a moped without a helmet I would involve the police. Other than that I would stand firm. Other mother will get fed up of paying out soon enough.

Oh dear I would be inclined to leave him to stay there for the weekend giving you all some time to calm down, your dh in particular.
The issue with spending all his time online or on consoles is not uncommon at his age (infact almost everyone I know with children/siblings his age are having the same problem).
He may be spending all his time online talking to/playing games with his friends and so felt isolated when you cut off his internet access explaining why he wanted to stay at a friends. Him refusing to tell you where could easily have been because he was scared you would turn up and embarass him (not unfounded as you did exactly this). Please don't think I am defending his behaviour, my mother would have been furious if I had disappeared as I would be too, but this may be how he has rationalised it in his head.
Has your dh ever got 'up in his personal space' before, as I find this incredibly threatening and your ds might too but not know how to deal with it as it is his father. I would also be concerned if he is doing this infront of your sons friends family what is he doing in private if your son annoys him and noone else is there. Not saying anything is definitely happening but it is worrying. If it is the first tine your ds could be very shaken by it hence why nc at least you know where he is.
I would beware of presuming because this boy claims at school he is smoking cannabis that he actually is. Sadly a lot of kids see this as cool and so claim to be when they aren't. I would have a calm, clear conversation when he gets home about why you were concerned about him staying with this friend, why you disconnected internet access, and why you embarrassed him by contacting all his friends through fb. (I would have done the same but he will be mortified as this will be everywhere by the time he returns to school on Monday and he will likely be a laughing stock.)
Also explain that riding on a motorbike/scooter without a helmet is illegal aswell as incredibly stupid, shock tactics in afraid with this one might work as he obviously thinks he is being cool. My school used to regularly show us photos of people who had had accident while not wearing helmets barf it definitely worked on us!
Sorry you are going through this but at 16 I'm not sure what you can do other than try to calm down, spend today working out what you will say to him and ensuring your dh is calm, then speaking to him Monday. If he doesn't come home from school Monday this is a different matter and you could obviously speak to them about how concerned you are.

Thanks for the replies.

The risky behaviour has until now taken place during the extended lunch breaks ds takes at school. They go off site and do it.

Dd tells me that ds tells his friends that dh and I are awful parents. They believe him, hence perhaps why the boys mother was not supportive? Dd is so angry with ds as she can see how upset dh and I are this weekend.

How is affording drugs etc? Does he have access to money?

That could easily be why the friends mother was not supportive, a boy who frequently says his parents are awful, and has been cut off from his friends for a weekend (remember she will onyl have his side not the facts on why you removed internet access) turned up at her house because he didn't want to stay at home. His parents then arrived to take him home and his father became aggressive (even if he didn't swear or touch him) in front of this woman who could easily feel that it has confirmed your sons story. Could you have a conversation with the mom calmly yourself over the phone and explain your concerns?
Also if he has been doing things while on lunch break at school speak to the school about it, there may be something they can do.
Sorry it is affecting your DD, but at least you have her on your side it could make things much easier when tackling this behaviour to have someone closer to his own age there who can see how unreasonable he is.
If there is a genuine concern about cannabis and riding without a helmet (not just hearsay) maybe phone the non emergency police line and explain this to them. Tell them how concerned you are and see what they suggest? They may be willing to send a cso to have a firm word with your son and help you correct this behaviour.

Cannabis is being given to him by the boy he is with this weekend and another 'friend'.

Other than the internet issue and lack of effort / the odd afternoon not going to school, ds has been fine. There has been a big change in the last two weeks. I put it down to normal teenage stuff, but I am now wondering if it's the drugs?

Dd had been hinting to me about all this earlier last week. I didn't pick up on it. This weekend she is now telling me everything as she is really worried about the path he's taking. She and us can't believe things can fall apart so quickly.

Hello Angus, I think firstly, you need to speak to your Son, compromise, and get him home. Communication is key.
To us, he is a 16 year old boy, playing up, but to him, it's a transitional period to manhood. He wants to call the shots, hence compromise.
Reinstate the wifi, at least you know where he is. Tell him you understand his passion for gaming. Maybe he could invent a game, and follow that path.Just try talking to him, rather than at him.
Don't report your Son to the Police, at least, not at this stage.
Your DH, although somewhat distraught, needs to reign it in, it's not the end of the world.
Encourage his friends to visit your home, try and relax a little, and see what happens.
I'm sure like the rest of us, he's missing home comforts. 😄💐

Thank you all. I have sent ds a message asking him to come home.