Awkward silences with teenage daughters

[Diemme]

This is such a sad thing to post about. Just want to know if anyone can identify with it and can give me any tips. I like to think I'm quite a chatty sociable person and most of my friends would agree. In life though there are always a handful of people who we struggle to communicate with and where there are always awkward silences. And my God I never expected my children to be among them! I've got 2 DDs aged 13 and 14 and both have lost all interest in speaking to me. Today for instance I picked DD2 up from seeing a friend. During the 20 minute car journey I asked her how the friend was, if she'd bought anything, what she'd had for lunch, just general conversation. And each time she grudgingly gave me a one word answer so I gave up and we travelled on in silence. Again. I really hate it. It's painful to admit but I've lost all confidence in my ability to get my own children to engage with me. Any tips?

Does your daughter like to read? Books by authors like Marian Keyes go down well with that age group and they're books you can read yourself and have something to talk about.

Diemme Sun 22-Jan-17 21:25:21
"Some good advice on here, thanks. We're all different and I genuinely don't remember being like that at 14. After a party say, my mum was my favourite person to giggle with about who'd snogged who, who was wearing an awful outfit, what gossip I'd picked up. So this makes me feel like I've failed where my own mum succeeded."

Isn't what you're saying here that you've feel you've failed because your dds have not turned out exactly like you? Isn't that a little unkind towards your dds? Are you sure their way of being isn't equally valid?

Same here with DS who's just turned 14. I didn't see him all day yesterday until he came down late afternoon. He decided to cook something for himself so was trying to chat with him, but after 5 minutes, ran out of things to say.

I've been there before and the solution is to arrange to do something just the two of us. We are limited as to what to do because his interests are limited, especially locally, and at the moment, money is tight, but it sounds like the time has come to prioritise it again. I've been amazed how well the conversation flows then and I've learned that a lot of it is helped by the environment.

Driving used to be a very good time to chat with DD and DS, but nowadays, they are more likely to put their earphones on and listen to their music.

I once got my DD to give me a makeover. We went shopping and she chose a couple of items that she thought would suit me . She made me try on stuff that I wouldn't normally wear and had a laugh (although I'm still scarred by the mini skirt and crop top !)

We got home and she did my makeup for me.

It's lovely to do stuff together but tricky if there's no common ground.

It's a phase. Mine were boys but the same thing. So I stopped asking about their mates and what they did after a first 'Did you have a good time, what did you all do?'. I learnt to ask questions about music, video games, and sports. I often found that their answers about those things led to answers about friends and activities.

For whatever reason, a lot of teens see questions about their friends and activities as implied criticisms and nosiness. Unless you have a real concern about them, it's best to just stop asking.

Is she on her phone in the car? I have one who is surgically connected to the world via his phone and car journeys are similar unless I make him drive
Away from the phone though he is fine as long as it is proper conversation and not a series of questions. Talk about yourself, your day, funny things you've seen, politics, food, tv shows, world events etc- don't try to find out about her life with her friends.
My other DC seldom draws breath long enough for me to speak and wouldn't know an awkward silence could exist.

Op you haven't failed! It's a personality thing imo. Smartphones mean that they are always checking social media or changing their music so the amount of actual chatting decreases.

I wouldn't worry about it, honestly. You just need to learn to speak (or at least understand) fluent Grunt.

why is silence awkward? That is just your interpretation of it

Don't try and force joviality onto your poor daughters! you may be chatty, but they don't have to be

Totally agree. YOU might want to talk but they don't want to. I sometimes have silent car journeys with my teen dds. Sometimes they've had a hard or busy day and just want to sit and chill without talking. Leave them be.

Look thanks for your concern about my 'poor daughters'. I'll assume you meant well but seriously, do you really think I'd have used phrases like my children have no interest in talking to me and I've lost confidence in my ability to get my own children to engage with me just because on a few occasions they haven't been in u mood for talking about their day? For the record I used that as an example but it's the same in every situation. I don't have a relationship with my children.

Honestly, it all sounds normal to me.

What about doing some reverse psychology, just get on with your life and let them come to you.
If they're getting on well at school and are happy, then you're doing a good job, what more can you ask for really. I think it's healthier anyway, parents that are best friends with their teenagers into all their business doesn't seem right to me, for either party. This is a time when mostly mum and dad are a bit of an embarrassing irritant to be honest.

Like everyone says - I think its hugely normal for teens at the end of the day, when they've had to respond to teachers and structured time to not feel like answering what they think are inane questions. I just couldn't be arsed with it when I was a teen. After a while I'd start talking when I felt like it - I just wanted to zone out. My DS 14 wont respond at all, is sarcastic or is very monosyllabic to those kinds of queries but at supper he joins in with general convo - just nothing about his day. He can be a lot of fun. My daughter is quite chatty and we have some very long and in-depth conversations but I really really enjoy being in her company in companionable silence - I think its a sign of being totally at ease with someone. I love it.

I think it's natures way of giving our ears a rest after the non stop crying, whinging and talking from when our kids were little

My mother used to say I spent words like fivers.

But it's normal OP, kids detach from their parents for a while at some point. They do come back.

You can't expect things to be the same as it was with your mother which was probably nice but not really that common I don't think. Just concentrate on being a parent rather than wanting to be their friend.

my Mum was (and is) just too intrusive, too judgemental & too involved. I'm in my 40's now & she's still like that. I tell her as little as possible.

Same here. I just gradually lost trust in her.

OP you sound a bit needy, all this talk of losing your confidence, etc. I imagine your DD is picking up on this too, but she is also being a typical teenager.

I remember only 1 or 2 people I knew at school had the kind of relationship you describe with your mother. It was just unheard of. The concensus was that you can't tell parents anything because they turn every funny event into an opportunity to lecture us.

Lots of good advice here, try to follow it.

You need to choose your moments. DD is an introvert; if she has just spent a whole day at school or several hours with friends, then she has used up all her sociableness and needs to sit quietly. Once she has had a chance to recharge (by spending time on her own in her room) then she is able to be a bit more chatty. She's not being rude, it's just that sometimes after spending lots of time in a group, her social cup is full. The same thing happens to me.

I think i depends what relationship you want / expect with your children.

It sounds to me as if the relationship you want - and perhaps have had up to now, or which you had with your mum - is 'friend': person to whom secrets are told, with whom giggles are had.

However, the fact that your children are currently not wanting that type of relationship with you doesn't mean that the 'parent' relationship has broken down. It's just not quite the relationship YOU want.

cantkeepawayforever Thu 26-Jan-17 09:10:42
"I think i depends what relationship you want / expect with your children.

It sounds to me as if the relationship you want - and perhaps have had up to now, or which you had with your mum - is 'friend': person to whom secrets are told, with whom giggles are had.

However, the fact that your children are currently not wanting that type of relationship with you doesn't mean that the 'parent' relationship has broken down. It's just not quite the relationship YOU want."

This. I think it is very dangerous to decide that you haven't got a relationship with your children simply because it does not look like your idea of a relationship. If you cling to that idea, you may miss out on a completely different but still worthwhile relationship you could have had.

My mother's relationship with both myself and my brother when we were teens involved long conversations into the night about things we were all interested in, plans for the future, dreams of what to do and see. I do not have that relationship with my 16yo and I don't suppose I am going to: it is not in his gift.

But we do have very good times together, in sitting silently and watching Match of the Day together, in a grunted half-sentence dropped in passing which shows that he is still including me in his world, in a sudden helping hand or inquiry after my wellbeing when I am least expecting it. I call that a relationship. But it does depend on my accepting that not all relationships look the same. If I could not have accepted that, then we would not have got where we are: he would have clammed up completely and counted the days before he could get away from this person who demanded that he should be somebody completely different.

Thank you so much cory. That's actually really helped. And dare I say it a good example to set of how to speak to someone who's reaching out for help. Much nicer than the spiteful 'you sound needy'.

Oh thank you. I think it's about taking the time to find the door that opens to both your keys, iyswim. In my case, it was partly about finding the one thing I actually didn't mind doing with ds, which happened to be watching football.

Also, allowing it to take time. I note that both yours are younger than ds, and I'm not sure I felt that confident when he was that age. It took time for us both to work out how to meet on more adult ground. Even more so with his dad- they've been putting up furniture together in his room and I was struck with how respectful ds sounds when he speaks to dh, even asking his advice, and telling him things unprompted (!). Wouldn't have happened 3 years ago. It was worth hanging in there! ]

Also teen DD here! Sometimes I think she's just processing events in her head - a conversation and incident - trying to work out what how who etc

Something's she comes for a chat - sometimes I feel I haven't seen her all day an pop my head in to ask if she wants a cuppa..

Sounds normal - sounds like you're moving on to the next stage -

Same thing with my DS. So it seems to be normal and everybody says not to take it personal. I also hate it and makes me feel really, really sad. Let’s hope it will pass.

I often come back to this forum because just like many other people, I feel like I need to be with people who are in similar situation and can understand me. I come here hoping to get some support and understanding. Unfortunately, too often I realize that there are a lot of people here who are very judgmental and critical and do not at all try to make a person feel understood and supported. It is too bad.