Arrested

[Jem152]

Im looking for advice. Not nasty comments.
On NYE i was arrested for slapping my son. He called me a "c#$t" and kicked and punched me repeatedly. Things had been bubbling for weeks, with his awful behaviour at school, hes spitefulness and his lack of respect (hes 14). I am aware that i should NEVER have hit him. EVER. I just lost it. Since hes called me the same word, called me pathetic, stated im a crap parent and that he hates me. Hes even used the police since and said he will call them and tell them ive hit him again, even though i havent done any such thing.
Hes using social media to talk sexually with young girls and is now with his dad after calling me pathetic.
I love him. I dont know what to do?

I agree he needs to stay with his dad.

Advice I've seen on here previously when a parent child relationship is struggling like this is to keep some distance but keep in touch with neutral texts, not emotional messages, just letting him know what you are up to, funny jokes or things he might like.

Would counselling for you help? It might look good from a work press pectins too, as it shows you are stepping up to avoid this happening again.

Video his rants at you so you have some evidence to protect yourself.

Can he stay with his dad while you are such a trigger (that will change). Any chance of family therapy? You need a safe space where he can't lose the plot & you can talk.

Also if he is kicking & punching you it is worth looking at training to cope with that (hard to find for parents I know). My eldest is very physical with me (he has severe learning disabilities so it's slightly different) & I found deescalation training invaluable.

Ive just found out he and his dad are out buying a new iphone!!! I just cant believe it

I'd let them get on with it for now, OP. None of this means you won't have a good relationship with him in the future, but for now you are safe, it's more peaceful without him and maybe, finally, his dad will understand in a while what you were complaining about. It might take a month or two, but just have a rest and enjoy the peace now.

Leave them to it, OP. It's high time his father dealt with him, rather than leaving it all to you.

I suspect your DS will be expecting iPhones and things frequently...

Change the locks, and drop his things at his dad's. If his dad wants to be the iPhone buying super-parent, let him. You need to consider your own safety and mental health in all this and it's clear you need a break.

This is very unusual. It's legal to slap a child as a form of discipline as long as you don't leave marks. It's very unusual for the police to arrest someone , take them to the station and keep them in the cells over night for it, especially if as you say your son beat you up and you did no more than slap him.

Is there more to this story op, were you drunk, or did you do more than slap him?

If this is all you did then your job is not at risk, any solicitor even a crap one would be able to clear the wrongful arrest. If however you did more, then I'm unsure how people can give you realistic advice without the full facts.

Either way, it looks like your sons dad is stepping in here and i would leave them to it.

That's ok, his dad and him need to establish their relationship. They'll work out their own rules. It doesn't reflect on your rules or your relationship.

You will be able to reestablish your relationship with him when he has passed through this phase- his brain chemistry is all over the shop at his age. Give him time to stabilise.

I won't say don't worry- of course you will- but be patient.

What bluntness said is correct although you'd struggle to prove 'unlawful arrest' now you've accepted a caution because you're admitting the offence. Didn't you have a solicitor when you were arrested? I find it v difficult to believe they would agree to you accepting a caution in the circumstances given?

If what you say is true you need to complain to the Police to get the matter reviewed and the caution withdrawn. If they refuse then get a solicitor involved to get the caution withdrawn but it is a very difficult thing to do.

I have made a formal complaint and yes what i say is true.

The caution was given because i admitted to slapping a minor. I was given the opportunity to "press charges" against my son but declined because hes a child

Didn't you have a solicitor??? If so you should complain about them also. Really poor advice if you were told to accept a caution in the circumstances given.

As others have said there is the concept of lawful chastisement in the case of children as long as there is no visible mark. Also potentially you have a 'self-defence' defence if he hit you first and was abusive.