Bit of perspective needed please

[gingerhobo48]

DD, almost 18 met a 27 (just) yr old at a friends NYE party. They talked afterwards and have been in regular contact . She has arranged to meet him tonight. I thought it would just fizzle out. I don't know why he would be interested in DD. He knows she is doing her A levels. He has a job, is renting a flat with someone and has a car. Should I be worried? Would you be worried? Her dad is not happy , I'm uneasy, but I trust DD. She is nervous but just 1st date stuff. When I was her age I was involved with a 31 yr old divorcee. My mum had recently passed away and I had no-one to look out for me. I can see now that that was a very unhealthy relationship.
We are very close and she does tell me things. I know I am lucky there. I don't want to come down hard, I can't come down hard as she would just start lying. I think her dad somehow blames me for not stopping her going but she is nearly 18.
I'm not sure if I have messed up and how I could be playing this. Thoughts?

[hunibuni]

I met my 8 years older DH when I was 18 and we have been married for nearly 20 years! I think that the reaction that you're having to her basically becoming independent is a bit OTT He might be perfectly nice, or not, but it's up to her who she dates.

[gingerhobo48]

I can see that Flossie. She seems really happy with him and keeps saying how chilled he is. She's never been interested in boys of a similar age/bit older. I know I need to relax a bit. i think it was just the adrenaline that needed to come out and i feel better now. She is home, she is safe, she is sleeping.

[gingerhobo48]

That's how I felt junebirthdaygirl. I think she thought I would insist she came home whereas I just wanted to know she was safe/felt safe and was happy.

[gingerhobo48]

Hunibuni, she has a history of social anxiety which she tends to self medicate with alcohol. I recognised the pattern as she has form for this. I normally know the kids involved but on this occasion I didn't feel I knew the guy and was naturally concerned.

[rogueantimatter]

Of course you were concerned. I'd have been the same.

Before she next goes out I'd tell her that although you know it's very unlikely for anything to happen to her it's good manners and considerate of her to let you know where she is or at the very least that she's safe. You would do that for her dad and he would do the same for you. Sympathise with her wish to not be seen to be texting her mum when she's out so she knows you're 'on her side' but insist on more communication.

[misshelena]

Ginger -- did you tell your DD what she put you through? That was very thoughtless and unkind of her, especially since she knew that you were very very anxious about the situation. I think it's good that you have good relationship but ultimately you are her mom and it is your job to address her inconsiderate behavior. I am with DH on this one.

I would also let DD know that you are taking her side against her dad. Her job is to make it easier for you! If she doesn't behave in a considerate manner, all she is doing is making it even harder for you to convince her dad to let her do what she wants. It is in her best interest to keep you happy and helping her.

Sorry if I come across a little harsh on you. But I think you are letting her get away with too much. She needs to appreciate you more.

[gingerhobo48]

misshelena, you are right. We have spoken again this morning, at length and she knows.

[TwentyCups]

As someone who lived at home Til 20 (studying Til 18 then working) the only rule I was under was to let my mum know if I was coming home or not. This always seemed fair, as it stopped her worrying if I never came back!
At just turned 18 I had a boyfriend of 26. Nothing sinister, but whilst I was studying for a levels and he worked night shifts in a factory we just ended up not having enough common ground. I regularly stayed over st his though - I drove myself there in my own car! If my mum had made a big deal out of it I likely would have seen it as a Romeo Juliet type thing and got stuck into it for far longer!
At 24 now myself I wouldn't be interested in a teenager at sixth form - no way! we wouldn't have anything in common. However, I don't think it's sinister, although it's likely this man may be immature for his age.

[alizziebee]

I would have been worried sick. I make one rule and that is that my teens just keep me informed. I don't tell them to ring but I do expect a text so that I know what is happening after 11ish. I'm not going to say "come home now" but just to know where they are isn't going over the top in my book. After all, they are texting their friends, snapchatting/instagraming and all that malarchy all the time so I don't see why a quick text is out of the question. To be fair, my DD is actually really good about it, but if she didn't come home and avoided the calls or texts I would have been exactly the same way as you. And then livid with her.

Slightly related, my DS plays in a band, they are having a bit of success and playing some quite big venues in London ... but he is only 15, whereas the other guys are at least a year older. The "everyone wants me to go to the after party" thing is something that I am finding v difficult to deal with, even though he is pretty sensible. I'm trying to be fair but on a couple of occasions he has stayed over with people after a party. Yes he texts generally but I'm not happy till I see him again.

[gingerhobo48]

Quick update. She saw him again this weds and came home about 11, today. In that time I got 3 texts, none really about her intentions to stay/come home. He had this week off, she , last time I checked , is in final year at 6th form doing her 'A' levels.She has missed classes because of him. She didn't want to come home , of course she didn't as she would have to do some flaming work!!! I can't be cool about this, she isn't allowing me to because of her behaviour. I don't expect her to be chained to her table every minute of every day but I feel like she is doing so little work, she practically said if I were at home I wouldn't be doing anything.

I realise she needs downtime, but I think she wants to play down the " I'm at 6th form studying for my A levels" because it makes her look like a child and that is what she is (until next month). She even said when we were arguing that she is a child and I need to allow her to make mistakes. I just said exactly (bit childish I know) . It isn't even about him anymore it's about her and her really shi**y behaviour towards me. Just a text to say "I'm staying over , I'll be home tomorrow" not one to say " I'm just getting something to eat and I'll be coming home" and then she doesn't come home until much later the next day. It's just not on and she knows it. Last week she was all contrite and sorry saying she realises she was in the wrong about not letting me know. this week, because she has sent me 3 texts which have told me basically nothing, she thinks she is in the clear.
I am raging at the thoughtlessness of her behaviour. she has been accepted to study biology at Surrey university if she gets an 'A' . She was on track (with a lot more work) to get this but not anymore.

[gingerhobo48]

I just think by texting me in his company it brings home the fact that she still lives at home, has parents and is quite young. Obviously an impression she doesn't want to promote. He could be a really nice guy and is oblivious to what she is doing but you would think he might say "don't you need to go home?/be somewhere?/let your mum know what you are doing? "