What option would you take with junkie teenager - HELP!

[helpmummy]

My brother is a selfish, useless, time wasting piece of crap... when is off heroin is a lovely, talented and caring young man.

Right now my family is falling apart, we have found out for the second time this year that he is on heroin again (relapse blamed on girlfriend dumping him - weak i know).

He is still tricking us now, there is no way he has gone through a cold turkey yet, he thinks we are stupid. We have tried supporting him, telling him we love me, we have actually been on our knees crying, begging him to accept our help, my parents are both on blood pressure medication as a result of him, my mother who i have never seen cry who has been sexually abused as a child, had 5 miscarriages (one which was 6 months almost), been bankrupt, hounded by loan sharks, both parents die young, had 4 other teenagers HAS NEVER LET US SEE HER CRY - now cries reguaraly - he ws ruined her!!!!!!!!!!

We are now desperate, before he accepted our help and done all we asked, now he said he is off it and we know he is not. He was sacked last week so he has no money, so if he is doing it we think he is selling his belongings, dont think he is stealing yet but i wont hold my breath.

There are three things left for us to try, which option would you take?

1. My fathers friend has offered to take him to Ireland for a week in the countryside fishing, he is a very big strong man who would take no crap from my brother, he told my mam to tell my brother its for a week but he will keep him there longer if needed. My brother said he would go but has now changed his mind. I said we should give him an ultimatum to go to Ireland or move out and leave us all alone. (my mother cant say this)

2. Pay some men to bundle him in a car and take him to a cottage somewhere for a week to make him go through a cold turkey, you cant talk sense to him until after this period.

3. My idea was for my parents to just pack up and go away on holiday for a week when he is out. I will stay in the house. When my brother returns i'll tell him they have had enough and where advised my doctors to get away from him. I'll tell him I dont know where or how long they have gone for but they are not coming back until he is normal. At the end of the day, he is not a massive heroin user as he smokes it (we check his body)and his addiction is affordable. therefore i think he just needs a shock to make him see what he is doing.

4. last option is the next time he kicks off and starts a fight, my mother should call th epolice and have him arrested. this might also shock him into stopping.

What would you do?

He wont go to rehab, he wont go to councellors and he wont stay at home for us to watch him.

Right now, my main concern is my parents, i think she should throw him out, he is such a molly coddled spolit brat that he would not survive, i reckon he woul come home with his tail between his legs after four days.

I really feel for you. My only experience of anything liket his is my sisters ex is a heroin addict. He told her he had been clean for 2 years when they met but she soon found out he was still using. He made loads of promises - as they do- but nothing changed. Eventually she virtually had a breakdown which included terminating a pregnancy and cam e home for a bit(she was overseas). He know has apparently gone into rehab but as she is not there we don' know for sure. his mum has pretty much given up on him now and his sisters really want him to get clean but I don' think it will happen unless he wants it to. I think your brother could certainly go through cold turkey in anay of the ways you described but he will just fall into the same patterns once he gets back unless he is willing to change and get support whilst he does it. I think it would be incredibly hard for your parents to turn their back on him but sometimes I believe that you have to do it as they are enabling him to continue living the life he is living by allowing him to stay and eventually then may even start giving him money if he has lost his job. I can really uderstand your anger at him for doing this to your mum. Let me know what you decide.

You can't make someone stop anything, you can only decide on your reaction to it, so I'd discount options 1 & 2. I wouldn't go for 3 either since I don't think they should have to get out for him but if they just need a break, fine, they should go on holiday. I'd contact professionals in this field I think, I don't think you can deal with this on your own and I don't think home made solutions will necessarily work. Sorry you're going through this.

thanks

i know tough love is the only way but my mother said she cant turn her back on her only son.

we are all shattered, our lives are a mess because of him. he has just turned 19, i remember feeding him and changing his nappy when i was only 6, we where so close!

i worry that if we turn our backs he will be found dead, he is not strong and in a way we all blame ourselves, the only boy in a big family - so spoid.

I have no idea about drugs and find any sorts disgusting but feel so sad that you and your family are having to go through all of this.

I think that the only way he will stop is if he wants to and it doesn;t seem like hse does - I would probably go for the locked away somewhere but for more than a week - maybe get lots of evidence about what the drug actually does to you and pictures of people after years of abuse - see if you could perhaps shock it out of him!!

Good Luck XXX

wickedwaterwitch, the professionals are useless, my brother was unconscience just after his 18th birthday, on a drip from heroin. my parents by his bedside thinking he had some strange flu, the nurse taking his temperature knowing the real cause but because he was 18 she did not have to tell my parents. they should of brought a councellor to his bed then to offer help of some kind instead they let that junkie who was barely an adult leave the hospital.

all they say is all you can do is offer your help, if they refuse it the there is nothing you can do!

i know that if i got him through a cold turkey i would then be able speak to him and he would then accept to see a councellor. there is no point in talking to a heroin user, they dont hear a word!!! i wish there was a company that you paid them to come in the night, bundle themin a van, give them a scare, take them to some nice place far in the country, watch them 24 hrs whilst they go through cold turkey then have a friendly rehabilitation plan for them. I know that way he would do it. i know he is fighting it, he is so sad and feels so alone, i guess the feeling of coming off iyt is worse then staying on it.

he knows he has nothing, no job or friends and at the end he will be known as a junkie.

its so sad and hurts so much, i have never cried so much, im sick of feeling down, my dd is startingto suffer from my short temper

My brother was exactly the same and in the end went cold turkey himself after we all turned our back on him.We had repeatedly helped him but the lies just got to us in the end.Let him go he will sink or swim-sounds harsh but it is the only way.My brother lives a fairly lonely existence now and although he stopped the heroin he never dealt with why he took it and is essentially the same person always miserable and full of blame only he doesnt do heroin.He still smokes cannabis though and this is the root of his lethargy but at least we aren't waiting for the late night phone call anymore.Have you been to al anon it is not just for families of alcoholics the principles apply to all addictions.My brother lived literally on the streets for 3yrs+ and we rarely saw him but he eventually held his hands up and said heroin had him beaten,then and only then did he stop.He admits now none of us could have done anything and he didn't really care either way if we wiped our hands of him as the only thing on his mind was drugs-in fact on the streets at least he wasn't lying any more he could just live the junkie life without us always butting in and trying to 'help'.They have to be strong and let him go these people are smart and mostly survive.by the way blaming his girlfriend is classic all addicts who haven't been through treatment are often looking for a green light to let them use again,in reality it was only a matter of time.Look after yourselves

sorry noddy

makes me angry that they can just waste their lives and effect everyone else, an illness brought on by their own stupidity!

my brother is a musician, in a band, plays rock, idols are all druggies, jim morrison, jimi hendrix even some recent like damon albarn from blur he went into rehab for heroin use. i think he thinks it cool, makes you a better song writer - rubbish i know.

we have said all we can say to him, nothing has had an effect he just says sorry and stop saying it or i'll kill myself....

pointless fighting him but too hard to push away

helpmummy - I so feel for you. My own brother is 33 and his poison is drink. He has had a very difficult life and has broken our hearts a thousand times. About 10 years ago I broke all emotional attachment to him because I couldn't take the pain anymore. My parents have had such a hard hard time, trying to do the right thing for him, trying to make him better. But they couldn't help - noone could, except him.

As you seem to know, tough love is the only solution for your family. It does appear that being reduced to rock bottom can help. Don't let the fear of him dying be a hold on you - we have lived with this constant fear for about 20 years and you cannot let it control you. As I say I stopped letting it 10 years ago. My parents still struggle with it, but not on a daily basis. He lives independently about 50 miles away from them. But times like Christmas, when my mum feels sorry for him, so has him to stay, and he ends up attacking them everytime. My Mum just won't learn that she is entitled to a quiet Christmas. We don't go to my parents at Christmas because of the stressful atmosphere when he is there.

I'm sorry if I am rambling on. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are not alone. Have to go and collect dd now, but will be thinking of you. Will check up on this thread tomorrow. If I can be of any help I am here. You will get through it. But you and your parents have to put yourselves first. Your brother has to find his own path.
{{{{helpmummy{}}}}}

thanks rebi

makes me so sad to think what his life may now hold, i dont want him to be somewhere alone and lonely. he is a clever boy who got great grades, played many instruments and WAS good looking, we thought he would make something of himself, now we dont care if he works in tesco garage for the rest of his life as long as he is normal, healthy and happy.

helpmummy - don't give up hope. I'm sorry if I painted a really black picture. Your brother sounds like he has a lot going for him. Maybe this is a detour and he will get back on track. My brother never really (which is awful awful) had anything going for him. His problems started long before he found the drink.
From your last post your brother has got something to get back. But it is still up to him to want to get it back and you still have your life which you are entitled to live free from pain. Take care. I hope my last post didn't upset you too much - it was the last thing I intended. Sorry if it did.

havent read all the threads but imo i would get your father to basicaly kidnapp him take him to ireland and when they get there tell him this is his last chance clean up or get out and not being nasty to your parents because from what you said they seem lovley people who care very much but molly coddleing himwill only make him worse and make his addiction worse because he knows he will get away with it its one of those sometimes the best love is tough love but with this way they have got to stick with what they say if he goes back on it he's out the door even if its only for a day or two just to show him there not playing anymore
my heart goes out to you and your family for everything that has happened to them and i hope that things do start going better soon

Rebi

Please dont worry - you did not upset me. the reality of it all upsets me, i just keep myself going by thinking it will be ok but i have to understand that he may never be ok and if he is not then i cant let him destroy me for my dd's sake.

fingers crossed alot of the problem is his age, i know being in your teens is so hard and problems yuo face seem so big so hopefully its a stage which at the end he will want to leave behind.

thanks

mummytojames - i really think my parents should be strong and tell him to go.

we could only kidnap in the uk as he would cry for help if we tried to take him to ireland at the airport etc...

is there no where your father could take him in the uk somewhere isolated

or the other one and this is the toughest is call the police and have him aressted for the use and posesion of a ilegal drug and they will make him go cold turkey and hopefuly scare the living day lights out of him not to go back on it again

I know it's incredibly hard, but i feel that the only thing that can be done is to withdraw any financial support (including a roof), keep offerring love and affection if they are asked for, and realise that no one and nothing will get him off heroin permanently except himself...kidnapping might work (although totally illegal) in the short term, but it will not work long term. He will not stop doing drugs until he has realised this is his only option, until he realises that he wants a life clean. Your parents are not turning their back if they don't house him anymore, they are just refusing to collude in his addiction which by offerring free housing is what they are doing (of course out of the best possible motives in the world). It is so easy to say these words, and the hardest thing in the world to love an addict...but only he can make the change.

Helpmummy I sympathise so much, it is so hard to sit back and watch someone throw their life away and destroy your family's happiness while they do it. But you and they are simply wasting your energy planning to force him into anything, tough love really is the only answer with heroin because the addict has ceased to care about anything else, you can't appeal to their better nature. My SIL (a truly loving and natural mother before heroin) deserted her children for 3 years for it. She went through cold turkey (enforced) so many times, but went straight back on it. She only sorted herself out when she wanted to stop.
I don't mean to sound as though there's nothing you can do, but just that don't focus on cold turkey as the magic answer, and do get in touch with professionals to support you and your family, and also to try and work with him.
My SIL gradually reduced her methodone intake once she finally decided to get clean - it's taken almost 4 years but now she doesn't even smoke cannibis and has a life none of us ever thought she'd have.

I think out of the options you've given the last is your best bet, but as others have said, he has to be ready to stop for himself.

I have an ex who was a heroin addict. I finally realised that things were never going to change and that I was never going to come first. I don't know what happened to him.

Nothing you can do will force him to quit until he finds a reason for himself. There is more to it than that. He may seem selfish, but addiction clouds your ability to see beyond your addiction.

He's still young, there's a good chance he will come through this, but only when he's ready. There are support networks for families of drug addicts who may be able to offer more support and advice.

Good luck.

helpmummy - How did you get on? I have been searching for a thread like this as we are going through the same proplem. We have had a lot of support from various networks, and at least he wants to clear himself up - cold turket is tough tough tough - he has been given some pills to help though from his GP.
The alternative, methodone, is horrible stuff - far more addictive than heroin, but at least it can be regulated

I always said if I found out any of mine were heavily into drugs - I'd keep them prisoner - tie them up and MAKE them stop - don't know whether it'd work but I couldn't watch them destroy themselves.

helpmummy I hope there's a nice ending to this - but don't be hard on your parents - I know what you're saying but yourself in their shoes - it must be so hard for them.

Helpmummy.I have nothing to add but just wanted to add my support honey. You have had some fantastic advice here and at the end of the day the only person that can really help him is himself. Enforced cold turkey will be gut wrenching for all concerned and carries no guarantees. Tough love as everyone has rightly said is yur only option. There is no quick cure for this but he HAS to want to cure himself. Peae don't let this destroy you and your family. Big hugs {{{{{{}}}}

he will only stop when he wants to,you can have him arrested,then at least the authoritys will be there for you as back up then,the more pressure you put him under to stop the more he will turn it back on you"i do it coz you wont leave me alone and the stress is to much" sort of thing but dont give him money or anything he can sell for the stuff and if he steals report him,he needs to learn if hes big enough for drugs hes big enough to face the price.and then be there to pick up the pieces

the last option seems teh best you can not force him to change his mind or kidnap him- for an addict to change tehy need to want to adn to leave their old live behind completely - your anger wil not help matters but may force teh situation to an extent that you don't want cool calm compassion and a take no cr*p attitude is probably your best stannce

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