12/13 yr old DD refusing to eat

[yummumto3girls]

Hi, I need some advise on how to deal with this. DD will be 13 in March, in the last few months I think hormones have hit with a vengeance but since before xmas she has stopped eating. Today she had barely a mouthful of her dinner (shepherds pie and veg), ate one broccoli floret and a mouthful of cabbage, also today she has had a glass of premade smoothie and one of my slimming world sausages that were in the fridge (pre-cooked). Today has been a good day! She has lost a lot of weight over xmas and is looking and feeling terrible as a result. She says she feels sick, which I am sure is because she has not eaten. We were due to go out for a walk today but when she got ready she felt sick so did not come. She fainted on a family walk over xmas and was violently sick on the car journey home. Possibly due to car sickness or that she had a hot chocolate and biscuit which we took on the walk and insisted she eat due to fainting.

The thing is I really do not know how to deal with this, she did this once before in Year 6, refused to eat for about 3 weeks, and then started again and was fine. I tried then to not make a big deal of it, and we seemed to get through it, I'm trying to do the same now - not making a huge fuss, gentle encouragement, lots of healthy food snacks in the house. Inside I am panicking that this isn't. "Phase" again. Has anyone got experience of this? What else should I be doing, should I be playing it down? She does not sleep well either. I have rang the school where she does see a counsellor and am hoping she will call me so I can make her aware of the food issues. I am not aware of any other issues at school. She is hugely body and fashion conscious, always watching fashion and makeup blogs etc so starting to limit internet. Any other suggestions? I am panicking this will develop in to a full blown eating disorder!

OP please order from Amazon ASAP - How to help your teenager beat an eating disorder by Lock and Le Grange - this will give you invaluable knowledge and support whilst you wait to see the Eating Disorder team. My DD went downhill so rapidly, it was terrifying. The sooner you get started with specialist treatment, the better. for you and your DD.

We went to GP yesterday who weighed her, she had put on 1/2 kg so good news! DD looks so much better in herself. I am totally aware this can easily go back again and she needs help but it is no longer as urgent as it was. I have still not heard from CAMHS, I can assure you I am not dithering and if DD was still not eating I would be doing something about it! However I have 3 children who have all needed me this week, having started a new job last week with a manager who raises an eyebrow every time I check my phone I am walking a fine line between doing all I can and keeping my job! The GP was happy and is giving me a call on Tuesday to see how things are and will make a decision whether she still needs an appointment with Peadiatrics, will of course proceed with CAMHS. Thanks again for all your comments.

Mustbemad71 - I bought that book, it's a bit hard going! I hope your DD is ok now?

How did your dd take the weight gain? Just watch for a backlash. Seeing the numbers go up can be incredibly distressing and really increase the urges to restrict. Not saying this to scare you by the way, just best to keep an eye out.

She appeared ok, I am very conscious of how this can yo yo which is why I will progress treatment. It's the eeekend so more of an opportunity to monitor things!

OP my DD has been signed off by the ED team but I'm ever vigilant because AN is a sneaky, evil bastard always hanging around to try to get a foot in the door again! She isn't fully recovered, she's back to normal life but "stuck", still underweight and still showing some signs of disordered eating. Sadly this is the fate for a third of anorexics. I'm doing what I can to get her 100% well again.

I'm so pleased to hear about the weight gain but bear in mind that AN could be tricking you - if your DD has been on any pro-ana sites she'll have read up on water loading - just 1 litre of water downed before a weigh in equates to 1kg on. I urge you to keep weighing her regularly and do it unannounced so she can't waterload. Water loading is also potentially deadly as it can disturb the electrolyte balance in a poorly child. How did she react to the news of a weight gain? If she was happy and relaxed I'd be suspicious that water was the real source of the gain.

Lock and Le Grange is a terrifying -read - but sadly it does describe the reality of a full blown ED. I completely empathise with you - you've got a demanding job and other DCs and the GP seems happy but I deeply regret not being more pushy and insisting on a referral 6 months before we finally got one - my gut instinct was right but by the time we saw the ED team the AN had taken hold and was all the more difficult to combat. The ED specialist told us that sadly children just aren't referred early enough. I don't mind admitting that I finally got a referral to the ED team by weeping and begging on the phone when it was suggested that we needed to wait to see CAMHS first to be assessed and that was going to be a 6 week wait! My DD could have died if I'd left it that long, her pulse and heart rate were already abnormal. Please keep pushing for an appointment and remain vigilant. Feel free to PM me too, I wouldn't wish what we went through as a family on my worst enemy.

Totally sympathise. Our dad is having CBT for eating issues. She also looked at pro Anna websites. Should be banned
We have to make sure she eats her tea in front of us. She wants to help herself which helps now.
Good luck for your dd you sound very supportive.
Has she had someone say something to her to make her feel this way? Is she struggling with School or anything friendship wise would her friends be going through the same thing? We found out that our dd was being coaxed on by A friend who was going through dark times and eating issues.

We had to go private as it was a 6 month wait for CBT. The private councilling has helped massively. But we have to drive out of our region.

Thank you so much Mustbe and t875 (sorry I don't know how to bolden your names!!) I am so glad your DD's are stable, you sound like you have done amazingly well with them and had a horrific times, it takes its toll on the whole family and is exhausting.

I am constantly asking if something has caused this but have no clue. We are fortunate she has an older sister who keeps an eye out and has spoken with DD2's friends at school who were equally concerned. Her Behaviour is just so volatile, she flips or crys at the slightest thing, and is so incredibly rude to my husband and oldest DD, myself included but I think I am less affected. When challenged her response of the last week has been storming off, door slamming and shouting "I am never going to eat again" it's like she feels this is her secret weapon! I will ring CAMHS tomorrow and chase, have got to the point where I am fed up of my manager making me feel bad for wanting to do personal stuff at work, will go sit in the car for lunch!!

Wow, never heard of pro ana websites/blogs - just googled them, they are truly horrific!! What hope has a young girl got reading crap like that!! Makes me so angry!

OP those sites are horrific aren't they. I found it helped to remember that when my DD was vile that it wasn't her talking (or shouting!) it's the ED. Social media doesn't help - constant comparisons to skinny girls on Instagram and Facebook and pursuit of the thigh gap etc.

Also take a look at Lock and Le Grange about not wasting too much emotional energy questioning "why my DD?" and certainly don't blame yourself. The mantra is food is medicine and once you get your DD eating again then the ED voice will begin to fade, although it can get worse before it gets better when there is an initial gain.

Could you try to negotiate a meal plan for the next few days with her or pick meals that won't be too difficult for her to face, then all sit together as a family for your meal - making it clear to her that you've agreed that this is what she must eat? She shouldn't be doing any of the meal prep herself. Three meals and two snacks a day if you can. Smoothies are a good way to get cals on board, use full fat milk and Greek yog. Another tip - ditch anything low fat or diet from the house - use full fat butter, milk, cheese, yogurt and by thick sliced bread for more bang for your buck calorie wise.

You and your DH should show a united front and remain calm but firm (even if you are feeling desperately anxious inside), stick with it until she's eaten. You should get her to stay at the table and chat afterwards if you can, or do something to take her mind off what she's just eaten as the ED will be making her feel awful. My DD would watch TV or do some colouring, I know others who have done some knitting or crafting etc., anything to help stop panic setting in about the calories just consumed. A hot water bottle on the tummy helps too. You also don't want her disappearing off to the loo within half an hour of her meal in case she is purging. I'd also be checking her room for any evidence of uneaten food - unless you've seen her actually consuming it you can't be sure that she's eaten.

I do hope you manage to nip this in the bud OP, wishing you and your family all the best.

PS your manager sounds bloody awful OP!

must be mad What is le grange?
Makes me angry about them pro Anna sites! They are banned in France so why the hell cant they be here!!

t875 it's a book called How To Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder by Lock and Le Grange. I mention it earlier in the thread. I agree, those sites should be banned.

ah thanks Mustbemad has this book helped your dd?
dd is ok, we still have the fight on though and guaranteed if she didnt live with us should definitely duck and dive eating.

t875 my DD has been signed off by the ED team but I'm still on her case too. The book was great during the wait for her to be referred. Glad your DD is doing ok- it's a hideous illness.

Glad your dd has been signed off must be mad must be a huge relief. Think we're getting there least she's now not wanting to lose anymore which is relievingbin itself.

Hi everyone, I thought I would check in and give you an update on where we currently are. You lot have been great in helping me realise how serious things were and how to get help so thank you. DD did start eating again but not enough and is avoiding certain foods. She started over exercising and therefore continued to lose weight. We have had two appointments with CAMHS and one with the Peadiatrics ED team. Both have put on her on weight restoration eating plans but it is so hard to get the food in her, she says she is not hungry or is full or has tummy ache. All exercise has been banned including school which she is finding incredibly hard as she is in several teams. The hospital were not happy with her increase in heart rate following exercise. They have warned her she will be taken in to hospital if we do not turn this around in the next month, this has petrified both her and me, a very upsetting appointment. If she goes in to hospital we are not allowed to see her, is that right? I can't see how that can help? I have read blogs that say they actually learn how to be anorexic if they end up in hospital?! Can we refuse to go in to hospital if she is not life critical? We will do all we can to not get to this point but this is currently scaring the hell out of me!

Hi OP thanks for updating - I'm so sorry to hear how serious things are. Can you use this threat of an in-patient unit to motivate her? It worked with my DD. Have they prescribed Ensures or Fortisip shakes? We were on 3 a day and they really made a difference - although she loathed then with a passion - they got the weight on.

Did you say she is not at school or just not doing sport? Is there anyway you can take some leave from work and totally focus on getting you DD eating again? She will still be burning previous calories at school even without sport. My DD sat on the sofa for 6 weeks and only got up to go to the loo or come to the dinner table to eat meals and snacks.

You would be allowed to visit her but it would be at set times. My understanding is that admissions are usually for a period of 6 months - but if she continues to lose weight then that's where you need her to be. Our ED team did say that the outcome is always better if you can keep them at home. I'd consider taking her out of school for now and do battle with the ED. I hope she turns a corner soon.

Mustbe mad (how do you put names in bold?!! thank you for your response. Yes we have been prescribed fortisip but they only had mocha flavour which she hates so waiting for some more to be delivered. I just can not persuade her to eat, things have been worse this weekend as a close friend of hers has died, she is beside herself with grief! She is allowed at school but no sport, however she won't be going tomorrow due to not having eaten and being so upset. I am petrified of her going in to hospital but just don't know how to support her anymore, what motivated your DD to turn the corner?

yummumto3girls
Please take a look at this forum ... it is Family-Based Treatment (FBT) based on the 'Maudsley Approach', which is the worldwide 'gold standard' in ED treatment (based in the London hospital). Many UK members treating their children/young people at home and full of support/refeeding tips/expertise.
www.aroundthedinnertable.org/?forum=136439#gsc.tab=0
Hope this helps (from an adult lifelong sufferer of AN ... who wants to do anything to prevent youngsters living their lives blighted by this awful illness) ...

Oh OP I'm so sorrry to hear this about dd.
You are getting her help so she is going in the right direction you are an amazing support for her.
Get councilling yourself if you feel you need it. It's a scary harrowing time to go through this.
My dd has had CBT but we went private. Dd wants to help herself now though which helps.
We have got to a weight where she's happy with. We're happy within and the dr is happy with.
Could she and yourself get her to come to the shops to buy her meals? For her to choose b fast?
Dd had waffles or cereal with toast
Dinner she chooses what she wants. She has to have milk in the morning and milk in the evening snacks twice a day too.
Is you dd under a psychiatrist?
Is she on AD tablets? Our dd needed the tablets as this has helped calm the ed thoughts going round her head.
Sorry for the questions I no doubt all this already is in place just thought I'd mention.
Feel for you. Come back post support is here. Praying she gets better asap . X