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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

19 yr old daughter very difficult

77 replies

user1483533879 · 04/01/2017 14:26

My 19yr old is causing me and my husband a lot of grief right now. She's been reletavely good till the last year. Now she's getting to the point where we would like her to move out. She has this on off boyfriend for three years. He went away to uni and doesn't want to know her when he's away and picks her back up when he's home again. She is totally under his spell. She's wanting to stay overnight at his house and her father doesn't want her to. I think she's been looking for an excuse as the other day I was out and my husband had a massive argument with her which resulted in her running out of the house. When I came home she came back packed some clothes and went straight to him and stayed there for three days. Husband told me to tell her if she didn't come back home he would ask her to leave permanently. So she came back yesterday. Got showered and went out with this guy till 5am. I know she's 19 she's an adult but my husband is going nuts thinking the worst that he's using her. They are not talking at all. My daughter is totally avoiding her dad. They are both very stubborn so neither will give in. The house has such a bad vibe. I feel like packing a bag and going to my mother's. Anyone been through this and can give me some advice. I'm at the end of my rope with this situation now.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 05/01/2017 08:29

"Something has to give somehow."

and why exactly should that be your daughter?

You do realise that you are responsible for teaching your child how to manage relationship? She will take any messages from you, her mother. If your take is that you will do whatever makes life easier, regardless of whether it is right or wrong, then how can you expect her to think differently?

Every post of yours shows clearly that you are not interested in your house being a house where just and fair things happen: you are interested in a peaceful life for yourself and if that means making your dd a scapegoat, then that's a price you are ready to pay.

It may be that this is because you have been abused and controlled and if so you deserve sympathy. But it still doesn't make it right to make your dd the scapegoat. Look at the heading of your OP. How on earth were we supposed to get from that that you have a controlling dh? The title suggests that if only your dd would be sweet and obedient, there wouldn't be a problem. There would! Being brought up by a controlling father and a mother who thinks in terms of peace and quiet rather than justice and consideration is setting her up for a lifetime of being controlled by a man like her father- and it seems she has already found one.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/01/2017 08:43

I can't get over you describing her being in a sexual relationship as "doing naughty things".

Please do everything you can to help her find alternative accommodation. She needs to get away from your husband's skewed ideas about relationships and your collusion in this. You're both stopping her from being able to make normal relationships and develop into an independent adult.

corythatwas · 05/01/2017 08:53

Totally agree with Rhonda. This is not healthy.

Original poster
user1483533879 · 05/01/2017 10:32

Thanks for your forceful opinions. I did ask for them after all. I'm trying to do my best for everyone but on the back of a bad six months losing my dad I'm finding it tough. But thanks for your input. All be it about harsh at times.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 05/01/2017 10:39

I do sympathise. It must be a tough time for you. Flowers

But you can't take it out on your dd (who has presumably also lost her grandfather): it just isn't right. She is a young woman on the cusp of adulthood; she can't have normal behaviour rewritten as "naughty" or be labelled "the difficult one" simply to buy you peace and quiet. That label may be something that stays with her for the rest of her life.

We have also lost a beloved parent/MIL/grandparent recently and I know it has hit dh hard. But it is making him even more anxious to foster relations with his own children, because it is a reminder of how very precious that relationship is. Understanding his own children and being there for them is a way of honouring her.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2017 10:50

You need to reach a compromise with your daughter on the housework, she needs to do her bit and she needs to behave and be treated like an adult, and you need to stand up to your husband, otherwise you are sacrificing uour relationship with uour daughter for him and you will absolutely regret that.

You're blaming your grief for the fact you're not dealing with your husband being a bully and I suspect that's not wholly true,you've never really stood up to him you chose the path of least resistance so he stops being horrible to you. That's fine until it comes to throwing your daughter under the bus to keep doing the same thing. The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them,

Tell him she will do her bit but he treats her like an adult in response, otherwise uou will leave.

sweetstemcauli · 05/01/2017 11:21

OP you can't learn DD's lessons for her, she's going to have to do it herself. How much of a friend or parent do you want to be? IME you can't be both.

You seem shocked by some of the responses you have got, what were you hoping for here? DD may be regarding her parents as difficult too.

AgathaF · 05/01/2017 12:09

I feel sorry for your DD. She must feel she has no place she can really relax and be herself. Bullied at home by a controlling father with some very strange ideas. Moves out and is bullied again. No wonder she clings to the boyfriend.

She's 19. Not fully a mature adult, but definitely not a child. Yes, she should shape up at home, but it sounds as though she's reacting to the situation she finds herself in and lashing out in the only way she can.

I think independent living would be best for her, but I fear that the damage within her relationship with her father may not recover if she leaves home just now, with only bad memories of living there.

You really need to stand up to your H. Get him to understand what's going on here. And be more empathetic and supportive towards your DD, rather than trying to get her to tiptoe around her father to keep the peace, which is really what you appear to want to happen.

Original poster
user1483533879 · 05/01/2017 12:42

What I would like to happen is for them to sit and talk and it not turn into a screaming match. It's so damaging. I would like my husband to let her be an adult and I would like my daughter to show some respect for us and help me a little around the home. I don't mean do the chores as such. Just keep her bathroom and bedroom tidy and maybe empty a dishwasher now and then. She doesn't even flush the toilet. I totally get my daughter wanting her independence. I disagreed with my husbands way of dealing with it. But he gets mean with me if I don't agree. But I have stood my ground and he knows I think he's being unreasonable. I've been talking to my daughter about helping out a bit and acting like the adult she wants to be. But I get abuse from her too. So I'm trying to stay out of this as whatever I say isn't right and I don't want to make the situation worse by either of them thinking I'm taking sides. But I've made it clear to both of them what my feelings are. I'm not a complete doormat.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 05/01/2017 13:05

What I would like to happen is for them to sit and talk and it not turn into a screaming match - this is simply not going to happen though. You have said that your H won't give, and she has learnt how to stand her ground from his behaviour whilst growing up. I think she needs either some distance from him so that she feels less defensive, or to see him reacting in a far more reasonable way, so that she can meet him half way.

Her behaviour though, really isn't that unusual for an older teen still living at home. Maybe you and your H just need to accept that, tell yourself it's just a stage and will pass, and concentrate on trying to be a close and happy family, rather than one which is fighting all the time.

Original poster
user1483533879 · 05/01/2017 13:20

She is distancing herself. She won't be in the same room as him and certainly won't talk to him. Maybe that's best for now. But it's not nice. I just want them to both give a little and maybe they will become ok with each other again. I feel like piggie in the middle. I certainly won't abandon my child. But she does need to act like an adult to be treated like one. I know she's a typical teen but she's taking it to the max. She needs to learn to respect us.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 05/01/2017 13:43

I think OP may be in an abusive marriage. Op would you perhaps be comfortable posting a bit more about your relationship with your H in Relationships? There isn't enough in your posts for me to say LTB but it does sound like you've fallen into the trap of appeasing

aginghippy · 05/01/2017 13:44

She needs to learn to respect us.

Maybe but your dh also needs to learn to treat her with respect. There is nothing wrong with a 19 year old having a sexual relationship with a partner of her choice. Your dd avoiding him is most likely her self-preservation strategy.

I just want them to both give a little and maybe they will become ok with each other again.

Have you said this to your dh?

HeavenlyEyes · 05/01/2017 13:53

I think your husband treats you like rubbish and in turn your daughter may have chosen a boy who treats her with the same amount of disdain? So you need to build your and her self esteem to get away from such damaging men I think.

Notso · 05/01/2017 14:15

But she does need to act like an adult to be treated like one.
Or maybe she is being treated like a child so is acting like one.

HardcoreLadyType · 05/01/2017 14:24

You, but especially your DH needs to consider the adult relationship you want with her.

My mother was very controlling when we were children. She was afraid to let us go off and make our own mistakes. Now, I am one of 6 siblings, and I moved away when I was in my early 20s, and have just never had a proper adult relationship with her. My other siblings stayed closer, and I can see that she and they have managed to forge adult relationships together. She has let go, and they tend to get along well, in the main. So, you might be lucky. She might stick around until you and your DH have managed to let go a bit. Or, she might be like me, and just leave, never to (really) return.

rogueantimatter · 05/01/2017 16:04

IME young adults grow up very quickly when they leave home. Would you/your DD consider moving out in term time only? My DD gave up her flat over the three summer months which reduced costs obviously. She got another flat without any bother. She went from being very untidy to being a clean and tidy freak!

Probably the only thing you can do in this horrible situation is to address your DD and your DH together - tell them how unpleasant it is for you to have to live in a home where there's a bad atmosphere.

Your DH sounds like he has old-fashioned ideas. I have some sympathy with him - attitudes change so fast. Would it help to tell him that your DD staying out very late doesn't reflect on him as she is a young adult. Many 19YOs stay the night at their bf or gf these days. He is perfectly entitled to his opinions about what is right and proper, but he can't expect his daughter to have exactly the same values as him. It doesn't make your DD less moral, just different. Values change - eg look at all the young people who are vegans now. While people like your DH are judging them unfavourably for having sexual relationships they are upset by the cruelty, as they see it, inflicted by people like your DH on innocent animals. Why is he so sure that his values are the ones your DD should live by? Is he an expert on ethics?

rogueantimatter · 05/01/2017 16:05

Oops - I don't mean that you should out in term time.

Christmassnake · 05/01/2017 16:09

I've got a 19 yr old ,so I understand,however,who she sleeps with is not my business,or her fathers..she is an adult and treated as such,with respect and concern...however we but out of her life ,but she knows we are there if she needs us,she is currently working full time...I think you are both way over involved in her life and it can only end badly regarding yr relationships with her ..

Christmassnake · 05/01/2017 16:27

I've just now read the whole thread....you called her a tipical teen....my kids were tipical teens aged 14/15... once they hit 18 they were adults,and treated as such..

misshelena · 05/01/2017 16:28

Honestly I think it's too late for you and dh to "teach" your dd respect now that she is 19.
I agree with the poster up-thread who said that you have chosen "peace over justice" throughout your married life. It was easy to implement "peace over justice" when it was just you deciding to submit. But now with dd grown, you have two ppl choosing "justice over peace" (however they each define "justice"), leaving you outnumbered. As a result, you are upset because you no longer have the peace you are willing to sacrifice so much for, including teaching dd respect for herself and others.
I think the only way to find peace is for dd to move out. It'll be easier for dd and dh to get along if they are not constantly confronted with what the other one is doing "wrong". From what you describe, your dd loves you both, even if she doesn't respect you, so I think she'll try to reconcile at some point with her father.
I also think the bf is bad news. It's not surprising to me that while dh hates the bf, you like him just fine. Dh recognizes in the bf someone who is abusive and controlling, just like himself. You do too, but you've always been ok with such men. Sounds like your dd agrees with you on this one.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2017 16:55

Sounds like she needs a dose of reality. If she wants to be an adult then she needs to be held accountable like one. If you give her money or pay for her phone, stop. She shouldn't be rewarded for disrespecting you in your own home.

Blossomdeary · 05/01/2017 16:59

It is unfortunate that she is at uni so close. Being right away from home means that you cannot just run back home when the going gets tough and you learn to deal with the sort of situation she found herself in over the flat.

Original poster
user1483533879 · 05/01/2017 17:01

These posts have been immensely helpful for me to look from the outside in. I take no offence as what most are saying is bang on correct. I just feel so sad that my dh can treat someone he made and cherished so much growing up. It's only since she formed her own opinions that he's been trying to control her. Because she is having none of it he's stamping his feet like a spoilt child himself. With me he almost always gets his way and has all his life with his family. But this little tiger is his match and he hates it. But some of the blame ( although I hate using the word blame) lies with dd. She is grown up and intelligent enough to know what's right and wrong regarding helping out and respecting. She does neither. My gripe only with her is that if she wants to be treated as an adult she has to treat us in an adult way. Is that so wrong ?

OP posts:
WhyOhWine · 05/01/2017 17:20

I am a bit confused. You say in the OP that your DD is getting very difficult and that "we" would like her to move out. The only example of this difficult behaviour you give in the OP is the issue with the boyfriend. There is no suggestion in your OP that your DH is also being difficult, or that you do not support his stance in relation to the boyfriend.

You later give a fuller picture, but there is a lot of contradiction between what you say you are feeling in the OP and what you say in later posts.

So I guess I am wondering whether YOU do in fact want her to move out, and if so whether this is because of the so called difficult behaviour of your DD, or whether it is more because of the difficult behaviour of your DH. or whether you really know what you think is the right thing to do, beyond your desire for peace and quiet.