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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS(16) hates our house & wants us to move

44 replies

knitknack · 02/01/2017 19:55

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this really, other than I have no one else to ask (GPS dead) and friend's kids are younger!

We live in an admittedly small cottage (but big garden). It's lovely though - warm and cozy etc. We debated an extension so that my two DSs didn't have to share a room, which they did up until about 1.5 years ago).

That would have meant borrowing though, so in the end we had a really nice outdoor room built - fully insulated, powered etc. Fully heated. DS1 (the 16yo) wanted to move into it as a bedroom so he has and we did it up really nicely - to my mind it's a teenagers dream! Xbox, music system, sofas, posters everywhere etc. (It's bigger than most living rooms).

DS1 though, maintains that he is deeply ashamed of our 'tiny' house because all his friends have big houses (tbh they do! Apart from his bf who lives in an equally small house!). He's just such a snob!!! Thinks that people are judging him etc. DH and I are non-materialistic and liberal, I can get my head around DS1's attitude or problem. I agree that eventually we prob WILL need a bigger house, but at the moment DH and I (and DS2) are perfectly happy and don't want to move.

I suppose my question is - is this normal? I KNOW the answer is probably 'yes' and I remember being deeply embarrassed of everything and anything my parents did (how I wish I could apologise to them!!), but I'd love to hear any thoughts you may have? I feel such a sense of sadness that I can't give him what he wants on this occasion (that would be wrong, plus we don't want to) but it's still hard never-the-less!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 22:16

We have just spent 15k on a kitchen and my two still turn up their noses at it

Ignore

junebirthdaygirl · 02/01/2017 22:25

My ds would have loved visiting a friend with an outdoor room. Sounds so cool. Teens go through a difficult time seeing their parents and home through the eyes of their friends. Then they grow up. Wouldn't worry about it just keep smiling. Don't even try to justify it or talk about poor kids. It's just a phase. Ignore.

KERALA1 · 02/01/2017 22:27

My mother remembers being deeply ashamed that she lived in a large old vicarage (grandfather a vicar) and she longed to live in a council house like her friends.

I think part of the remit of a teen is to break away from the family and forge your own path and I wonder if part of that is rejecting stuff.

Backt0Black · 02/01/2017 22:30

Do some online quotes for lofty, aspirational silly mortgages .... then pro rata a chunk for his bedroom and use of communal spaces.

Ask him what kind of part time roles he will be seeking to afford his share. Cheeky blighter.

tallwivglasses · 02/01/2017 22:37

Agree with him. Tell him you're planning to start a business to finance the lifestyle he requires. Unfortunately you'll need to convert his bedroom into a workshop so he'll have to move back in with his little brother...

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 02/01/2017 22:40

This made me laugh, we have a really old cottage in the country. Both my teens are planning to live in brand new minimalist appartments in a city as adults they say and regularly demand to move to town (even though we happily drive around and there is public transport)
As soon as the youngest goes off to uni, we plan to move into town - just for the fun of it
Bet you any money they'll end up in the country again one day.

JustSpeakSense · 02/01/2017 23:09

This is so normal! When my 15yo DS complains about our modest three bedrooms semi, I remind him that he needs to work hard at school, do well in exams, as a foundation for a great future with a high paying salary so he can afford the lifestyle he desires.

(My way if telling him to shut up and go and revise )

specialsubject · 03/01/2017 10:08

Brat. Like many of us at 16, especially those with hard working parents and roofs, clean running water, heating, clothes, free education...

Tell him that and then ignore.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/01/2017 10:27

My nephew was deeply ashamed of his house when he was that age. Apparently it was "too big and just for posers"!

Maddaddam · 03/01/2017 11:25

Our house is seen as nice and large by most of our teens' friends. They (16 and 15) moan and moan that we are a mile further out of the city than many of their friends, and there are only a few buses close by (it's all walkable or cycleable in our view). The way they moan you'd think we were 15 miles away from most of their friends, not 1 mile.

Dollyparton3 · 03/01/2017 19:23

My DSD has three bedrooms fully kitted out for her. One at her mums house, one at her very lovely grandparents house and one at our house. She constantly moans that her bedroom isn't big enough and that her dad should have got a "better job" so that she could have the top floor of a townhouse with an en-suite.

Reminding her that it's a miracle in this day and age that her dad managed to leave her mum all the equity in his former home and but his own property in this day and age falls on deaf ears.

Her little bro has the smallest room in all 3 houses and is happy as Larry.

She keeps telling all her friends that when I sell my house and we buy a bigger home that she will have a room with an en suite. She won't!

VeritysWatchTower · 03/01/2017 20:24

Ds1 is almost 14 and his two best mates live in much smaller houses than we do. Ds hasn't noticed. They brought it up, one said, "mate, I don't even have a dining room, just a table in the kitchen." Ds said "I don't understand what you are getting at."

It was the sweetest conversation I had ever heard.

I grew up very poor and felt like everyone judged me. By contrast we have a decent sized house and converted a double garage into a playroom for the children. It is where Ds and his mates hang out when they are here. Ds doesn't see our house as big. He does get that he has a playroom whereas his mates all have an xbox in their bedroom.

corythatwas · 04/01/2017 10:54

GetTheeBehindMe is right: it's about normal embarrassment at something he has no control over.

At a slightly younger age, we moved into a massive house with fitted carpets (very unusual in that part of the world) and perfectly matching, imitation Louis XXV (or whatever) wallpaper. I tried to fake enthusiasm, but I felt very out of place, not least because it was so different from everybody else's houses.

Most teens feel their parents' houses are wrong in some way or another; it's part of the general uprooting of their age. But you don't have to accept rudeness and unkindness, and you should make that very clear. Growing into an adult means learning to consider the impact you have on other people.

Purplebluebird · 04/01/2017 11:49

Pfff, he's 16. Don't take any notice of it, he will move out soon if he hates it that much! Then you will have your lovely cottage to yourself, and he can visit when he wants to (for Christmas).

misshelena · 05/01/2017 13:57

I wouldn't indulge him for one second! Ridiculous! Does he have a job? My dd1 is 16yo and has been waitressing for over a year now. She knows what it takes to make a buck. I would also sign him up to volunteer, maybe something like Habitat for humanity where he gets to meet ppl who have WAY less and to make himself useful. That should help with the entitled attitude. Sheesh...

And Op, seriously, "such a sense of sadness" over not being able to give him what he wants?? Maybe that's why he doesn't share your liberal sensibilities!

Hoppinggreen · 05/01/2017 14:02

My 12 year old DD doesn't like our front door!

KickAssAngel · 05/01/2017 14:10

"Really ya wee turd? I assume that will mean you will need to work an extra 30 hours a week on your homework so you can get a well paid job to do better than we have? No? Shall we take the Xbox and internet off to help you? We'd HATE to stand in your way."

This^^

lapsedorienteerer · 05/01/2017 14:14

I'm so glad I've found this thread. DS14 is desperate for us to move to a 'detached' house, he finds our terraced town house so embarrassing .

MagicChicken · 05/01/2017 14:21

Crumbs one of my children was the same as a young teen. We have (and sorry for the stealth boast here) a lovely, huge Victorian property with original sash windows, open fireplaces etc., that is the envy of most of our friends and is the sort of house you see in Period Home magazines. All the children have their own rooms plus a kids' sitting room / games room - you get the picture.

But DS hated it because it was old and ugly apparently. And all our furniture was also old and ugly and embarrassing. (lots of antiques and quirky vintage type stuff.)

He couldn't understand why we had plenty of money yet didn't want everything glossy and shiny and modern like his friends' houses with huge TVs hung on the wall and a glass dining table with white leather chairs on chrome frames. Because to him that shouted 'style' and 'money' whereas our house made us look like we couldn't afford new stuff apparently.

I think he'd been watching too much Cribs.

To hear him talk you'd have thought we lived in Steptoe's Yard.

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