how do I deal with NY Party fiasco?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

Sorry, this will be epic. I am still incandescent.
We (reluctantly) agreed to let ds (17) have a NYE Party at our house.
Little back story - he has had a challenging few months. Didn't want to go back to school in September for A Levels, generally a bit challenging, had in November (still unresolved) trouble with the police. I have 4 dc. He is the eldest and by far the most challenging. He e has often a real attitude problem with me. Anyway, must to our amazement, most of the recent parents evening comments we got were really positive.

So.... he asks us if he can have a NYE party. I wanted to say no. Dh, given his good school comments and (since police trouble) improved behaviour at home, wanted to give him a chance. He assured us he would only be inviting his geeky school friends who hardly drank.

1st guest who turns up is his best friend who is a really annoying foolish kids who gets up to all sorts and who also thinks he is staying over. We call the kid's dad and agree that he can stay for the party but not overnight.

Anyway, I'll run briefly through it.

6.pm 1st guest arrive (his undesirable friend plus 1 girl). They go out (wtf)
6.30 The other guests arrive. ds not here (wtf)
6.45 Ds shows up. Everything seems ok. The other kids seem like nice kids.
9.15, I emerge from playroom where dh, dog and I are spending the evening) to find bathroom covered in puke, ds pretty drunk and telling us not to go to his room - pissed, passed out girl in his bed. Make ds clean up puke. dh & I are worrying about girl - call her parents? Call an ambulance? Let her sleep it off? Find out from another guest this girl is ds gf & involved in the police trouble & her parents (understandably hate ds). Ds stupid mate brought a bottle of vodka and she had necked loads of it.

I'm now giving up and idea of a drink or an early night. Regularly checking on girl. Ds shouting at us. drunk and aggressive. esp towards me.

Go and check on girl again to find ds in bed with her! Jesus. Dh goes mad.
they start setting off fireworks in the garden ds told not allowed) but ds not with his guests (again) dh going mad (again).

ds passes out in bed maybe 1ish.

All of the guests are actually really lovey, well behaved, most of them sober, none of them drunk, they even did most of the clearing up. The only bad behaviour was from my ds and his stupid mate. I offer to drive them home.They say they have lifts. do loads of housework while waiting, so v little clearing up left, short of wiping down, hoovering and mopping. Their lifts don't show up till 2.30 am! So dh and I can't go to bed and I didn't have a drink all night.

Next morning, I'm up at 8, ds already gone out. Nc till 5 when he finally shows up. He is rude to me. I raise me voice at him and he tells me what a cow I am, how I ruined his party and threw all his friends out. So, I am beyond enraged. He wasn't even there for half of it. Left his (lovely, polite, helpful, apologetic) guests to it.

How do I handle it with his today? Consequences? Way forward? I think he is beyond spoilt, entitled, clueless, and has a real attitude problem with me. Dh is going back to work totally depressed and stressed out. All my other dc are loving and well behaved and appreciative and no trouble really. It's ds2 birthday today (16)

Ih it helps, his brain is wired more like a toddlers at the moment. He has little ability to think things through. Think of it as being a bit like a brain injury. He'll only listen if he's relaxed- if he feels bad, blamed etc he simply won't be able to process what you are saying. If you sit him down for a chat with hot chocolate or some such comfort food and say you are a bit worried about how he feels, how he can keep himself safe etc you may get a better result.

Sanctions are likely to make it worse, I think. Think of a toddler who has had a tantrum. Needs a hug and a chance to wind down rather than a bunch of chores.

Let him overhear you and DH talking about how pleased you are he walks the dog, does his own laundry etc. Talk about how great it is that he is developing those independent skills. Wonder if he fancies learning to cook and could prepare a family meal once a week.

In fact he might hear all of it better if he 'overhears' it!

None of that negates the horrific behaviour and abuse. Tell him calmly (be the adult) what you think of him, how this behaviour is making you look forward to his departure - but how he can't leave because he is so immature.

Then ask what the plan is to improve.

dont listen to specialsubject above, that approach will make his back go up

I's totally follow pklme's advice, and I have 2 teenage boys here too...

Sounds like a typical troubled teenager to me. I don't think there's a lot you can do except ride it out as worrying to watch as that may be.
Things I'd keep a close eye on would be:

• Depression, the behaviour towards alcohol could be him self medicating.
• Drugs, same as above but I'd be less worried about pot & more concerned that it was cocaine leading to the aggressive behaviour.
• The friend, there's not a lot you can do but keep an eye.

For the record he sounds just like me as a teenager and his NYE party sounds like my 15th birthday party, some teenagers are just utter shits and others have deep rooted issues that make them behave like utter shits. He will most likely grow out of it and turn into a lovely young man.

omg, that's pretty funny story (I can laugh because it's not my 17yo DS).
Impressed you got him to clean up the sick, too.

I promise the whole thing will be a party piece to tell, one day.

So... um, how long before DS1 moves out?

no more trust, privileges or parties, really, just counting down the days until he gets into whatever next phase (moves out) & make the most of any good moments as they happen, I'm afraid.

I think I would make an effort to contact the GF's parents & tell them you didn't know about her until now, very sorry about the booze she had & for your DS's misdemeanors in general. She won't get trashed at your house again.

Dh has already asked if we will see the funny side to this one day. I reeeeaaaalllllly wish I could now. Honestly, now the party is nothing. The pain of having my NYE ruined, no drinks, on high alert etc is muted. I guess we agreed to the party. That's something I just have to suck up I guess.

What I am not over is ds rudeness. So we tried to talk to him yesterday. I remained calm. Didn't raise my voice. Tried to explain how the evening was from my pov, try to get him to understand "get it". Well, he didn't get it. Just got really rude again. and said I come in his room and shout at him. and that I'm always screaming at his bf. I've never raised my voice to him. Not once. And I certainly didn't raise my voice at ds either. So it's like he imagines I shout or scream, I really don't know if he really thinks I do or not. But basically, the convo was a disaster.

And now, 3 days into the year, he hasn't spoken to me. And I find the constant rudeness really impossible to deal with. It makes my eyeballs throb. I really don't know how to handle his rudeness, and now his inevitable sulking and ignoring me. I mean, he's the one who has done something wrong, but I am the one in the dog house. Dh is back at work and I'm stuck with the situation.

Today the other 3 dc want to go to the cinema. So do I invite him? And it feels like he is being rewarded for behaving in a shitty way? Or do I not invite him, and look like I am being petty. shit. He is so unnecessarily difficult.

regarding the gf parents, we have a whole other nightmare tricky situation there. Do I get your words of wisdom here, or is that another thread in the Bavarian soap opera ?

Let him sulk.

Eventually he will need a lift or money and will have to speak to you then...then this will be your opportunity to discuss this and agree to move on.

Don't fall in the trap of trying to jolly him out of this mood and definitely don't get his back up as advised by special.

Wow he has absolutely no respect for you. I'm sorry but I couldn't have him living in my house. I would throw him out.

Scaff - great advice

When he and his friend vanished at six I would guess they'd gone to buy drugs. To be that aggressive I wouldn't have thought he was smoking marijuana- or it is marijuana but nasty stuff.

when he went off at 6 he was with bf (totally stupid, so wouldn't put anything past him) but also local girl who is clearly a very good, straight girl. If had just been bf I would be worried, but as she was with them I would rule out going to buy drugs with total confidence.

He is clearly troubled, I think he is bored rigid being here, is fed up with school and is desperate to get away on a life of thrills and adventure. He is fed up with life in general, and I wind him up, just by breathing. And he winds me up with his rudeness. I take it personally. Dh is more detached from it.

I love him, and would like to get through this next 1.5 years with a bit more harmony. He is a lovely kid when he wants to be. He keeps making really stupid decisions. And doesn't seem to be able to see that until it's done. A few of the teachers at parents evening were very positive about him, one was literally raving about what a great kid he is. But he keeps it well hidden from me. He is generally really good with his siblings, plays with his little sister. I want his life to be successful. Kicking him out now isn't going to lead anywhere positive.

Can you tell him that you know he must feel embarrassed about what an idiot he made of himself at his own party, and how you know that he must be worrying that his mates will think he's a twat because of how he behaved. Take yourself out of the equation - empathise with him over HIS poor behaviour and how much of a fool he must feel, and reassure him that it's not too late to fix it with them if he apologises.

Teenagers get very used to believing that everything that goes wrong in their life is someone else's fault, so I would spend some time emphasising that he is responsible for his behaviour, and that how he gets treated by others can be a direct result of how he is. I wouldn't let any of this be about me at all; as soon as he started with that, I'd turn it back to him.

It's hard not to rise to the rudeness, I know, but if you can remain firm and calm that this is not about your behaviour but his (in a broken record way), it might start to get through?

And agreed that you need to start focusing on the other children, especially the one who's birthday it is, and stop rewarding this DS with attention.

Hi OP,
If your conversations aren't working, what about writing him a HNY card something like this, but in your words of course, not necessarily as cheesy as this you will know what will work in your family.

Dear Fred,

You are our firstborn child and we love you very much. We think you're going to be a great young man. We respect the way you've turned things round at school and love that you take the time to play with your younger siblings, do your own laundry and walk Fido (insert other good things here).

BUT we don't seem to be getting on too well at the moment. In particular, it really hurts our feelings when you are rude to us. So can we please start 2017 with the following agreed:
No swearing at Mum. No shouting at Mum. No drugs or drunkenness.

And in return please let us know if there's anything we should be doing differently or anything you want our help with.

Happy New Year Fred

love Mum and Dad

(I've got grown up sons - something like this might help. Everyone needs to be loved and respected - young men in particular crave respect - even if they don't always understand how to earn it.)

I have absolutely no idea how I'd handle this nut his behaviour seems so extreme I think you need professional help.

If at all possible I think you should arrange for some private counselling.

I don't think family cinema trips in the hols are a reward - they are family events. So I would ask if he is coming along - and if he is rude or obnoxious say 'whoa - this is a family outing, I'm not having that behaviour- go home and we'll see you back there'.

Agree with blu, I wouldn't be excluding him just now, he needs to know you're on his side however much a pita he's being

I like cakingbads approach.

It's great he has so many good qualities. Keep thinking about those! He just has to get through a few more years without serious trouble, hang in there! He clearly has generally good taste in friends, he'll get there!
Try and find your off switch, it's part of his growing up that he proves how much he doesn't need you by being vile to you. It's part of being grown up to let him detach, without giving him a parting kick up the backside as you slam the door behind him, tempting though it is!
I didn't need to do this to my parents as my DM could be pretty vile anyway- I left without looking back.
He'll get there.

I think LIZS, Gnome and Matilda have it spot on re his anger: he tried to be a grown-up, cool party host and fell flat on his face. He is embarrassed. That disappearance before the party might well have been him bottling it. And then he took to the bottle, made an idiot of himself and now thinks everybody will be laughing at him.

tbh I think you have to accept that if you give a party for teenagers at NYE there will be drunkenness. If you are the kind of parent (and I frankly confess that I am) who really can't face the prospect, then you don't give the go-ahead in the first place.

Anger and abusive language are never a good thing, but I think you need to move on from it: you have made it clear that you are displeased with his behaviour towards you; now you need to re-establish communication, and that involves allowing him to regain face and feel that tomorrow (or at least next week) can still be a new day.

Try and find your off switch, it's part of his growing up that he proves how much he doesn't need you by being vile to you. It's part of being grown up to let him detach, without giving him a parting kick up the backside as you slam the door behind him, tempting though it is!

I think the detachment has been successful. I'll try to keep the boot under control.

Ernest some years ago we watched a program called something like Teen Species. One part looked specifically at emotional development. One experiment concerned showing a group of teens images of different emotions. Many of the teenagers could only see two emotions happy and angry.

So it is quite possible that while you were in his room being frosty/stern what he saw was angry. This would go along with his other displays immaturity.

If this is the case then communication will need to stick very much to the positive end of the emotional end of the spectrum. Focus on what you want him to do not what you dont want him to do IYSWIM.

What does your DS want to do in the future? Is he moving towards that?