Have had enough of 18 year old

[mrseffington]

Hi
Can't give too many details as it might be identifying but i'm a single mum to two teenagers - eldest (18) is my stepson. He is a charming young man with masses of potential but has aggression issues, makes the wrong choices, dabbles in drugs etc. He has brought the police to my door ono many occasions - doesn't steal money but helps himself to anything else he fancies - doesn't respect anyones belongings, breaks things etc. There's lots lots more - he is not working - keeps arguing with employears and getting sacked, says he's starting an apprenticeship in january but will believe it when I see it.

For the quiet life I let him get away probably with too much but now that he's 18 he reckons that I have no authority over him so can't ask for certain behaviours in the house etc. This leads to arguments which always escalate (by him) into rage filled rants and generally some damage to some property - this week he pushed me into a door 'because i was in his face'

This is deeply upsetting for everyone but mostly his younger sister who adores him but hates him at the same time. The atmosphere is tense when he's around, and I'm ashamed to say that she gets the brunt of my stress rather than him.

I love him more than anything but I want him gone. I want him out of the house as I'm not sure how much longer I can live this way - it's beginning to make me ill. After he shoved me last week I told him to leave - of course he didn't and came back with a grudging apology (my fault, I deserved it) and as it was then Christmas eve I let it go for the sake of my daughter and Christmas.

His dad is around and sympathetic but not much use as his son doesn't listen to him or respect him.

We are both useless parents and he can't wait to be rid of us etc.

I can say hand on heart that this boy has had EVERYTHING including a good upbringing, taught to know right from wrong and on a good day there is no one better.

How do I physically get him to leave - actually get him out of the house? I want him to have a massive dose of reality and understand exactly how lucky he is.

I genuinely don't know what to do buy my life is miserable, truly truly miserable :(

The simple answer is that you could lock him out, with his possessions, and call the police to enforce this if he kicks off.

But life's not that simple, usually.

Why isn't he living with his dad, btw?

Honestly? The next time he assaults you, call the police.

He abusing you. He is not allowed to put hands on you ho matter how angry he is. Please do not accept this behaviour from him. It sounds as though he needs to understand he cannot hurt people or break their property in fits of rage. I am sorry this is happening to you..

I know you said he is your stepson. Where is his father in all this mess?

He is physically abusing you. I'm sorry but what kind of example a this for your daughter?
Why are you putting up with this when she is suffering too? What if he hits her next?

He has to go to his dad. You are actually damaging him by allowing him to abuse you. Sorry. You can't manage this, he is over 18. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

Please discuss this with his father - if living with him is not an option then he and your DSS will need to explore other options. Through my work we have sometimes helped young people of this age to get places in supported living placements - the YMCA run one in our area. Whilst living relatively independently they will get support with education and training, budgeting etc. There will also be rules around behaviour, drug use etc which may be what he needs. We helped a young lady who had a very negative relationship with her mum to move into such a place this time last year - the independence was just what she needed, she has now just been promoted in the job we helped her find and she is such a good tenant that she is next in the queue for being given her own flat when one comes up. It's definitely worth looking for similar schemes in your area. But whatever you do please don't let this abuse continue.

Just re read my post and maybe it sounds like I am turning the rehousing problem to you..My thought is more that its obvious you care about him or you would have changed the locks and washed your hands of him before. So at least if you find out about other options it will make getting him to go easier for you both.. In my experience young people rarely find out about these places on their own. I would add that probably the only way he will be seen as priority is if he presents as homeless (or soon to be) to your council.

So you are a single mum taking care of this 18 year old step son on your own?

Does he have any other family?

You can give him a bit of notice - say a week and give him the rental and mybe other housing forms?

Give him the council numbers for housing? Etc

Thank you so much for your replies - I know it's abuse and I know it can't happen. I've been extremely clear that it is unacceptable and that i will not tolerate him laying his hands on anyone for any reason.

His father doesn't have his respect and he certainly wouldn't live with him (he lives 20 miles away) - he tries hard but is not the best at dealing with stuff so just says 'well tell him to move out...'

He provides financially and does try but it's not accepted by his son.

There is a grandmother who thinks the sun shines out of his arse but again he wouldn't go there.

There is a big back story as to why i'm so bloody soft on him or why I have been but this last episode, the only one where there has been physical aggression and it's because I stood in his way to continue an argument / discussion rather than jsut letting him storm off - I KNOW I'm not responsible, he is but it's a sign of where I've got to - I feel like something's really broken - I love him but i'm finding it hard to 'care' - that's not the right word but i'm exhausted by it all.

I'm interested in teh supported housing thing - would that be through the council?

I feel so bad - I@m all he's got but it can't go on, I can't go on.

Honestly if you met him you would be charmed beyond anything - he is so gorgeous but vile - is that possible?

He is not your responsibility - so what if he doesn't want to live with gran or dad or Father Christmas - he is no longer welcome in your home due to violence - the rest his his and his families issue - pack his bags and change the lock

Morning mrseff. I just wanted to say firstly that I can totally imagine your DSS - someone charming to everyone in the outside but totally different to you. I've seen it quite a lot through my work and i know how awful it can be..so sorry you ate going through this.
So I answer to your question, the projects I referred to tend to be run by housing associations or other voluntary organisations but tend to work closely with the local council and other agencies when allocating places. If course it tends ti depend on the area you live in - I live in a largish town so provision is better than some - although still quite hard to get in to.

I would suggest contacting your local council as a start - its important to very open about the situation. Please don't be embarrassed - they will have heard it all before. But they need to have the facts that show that you and your daughter are vulnerable and that he is at risk if getting into further trouble - so in this case as much back story as possible.
Meanwhile how are things at home with DSS? Is he there and just keeping away from you both? I've found that after an incident like this and a threat to throw him out they usually calm for a while? Could you use this opportunity to engage gently with him - find out what's happening about the apprenticeship? If this is in something he really wants to do this may be a chance for a new start. I'm not suggesting that you "let him off" what happened last week but it just makes the atmosphere better while other options are explored. With this in mind I probably wouldn't mention that you are looking at these for the moment as if may well just inflame the situation and make him just see it as another threat rather than possibly something positive.

Sorry I have rambled here - I hope some of it is helpful.

Please consider your DD in this.

yeah, even if you can't stand up for yourself, do it for your other teen: protect her & show her that she shouldn't put up with being treated like crap, either.

Call the police.

Most reasonable people would have the fear of God put into them by a visit from them.

Also shows your DD that you don't put up with this.

I can totally relate to your post, I have a similar problem with 19 yr old who is depressed and has anxiety issues. We have been supportive but teen rejects any help, and hates us. I need to protect my two younger children so am considering eviction. There is drugs and abuse of property from teen also, and rejects any help.